Soulshadows - Deadlights by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Series, Short - A fishing vessel comes across a deserted naval ship which holds a terrifying secret.  31 pages - pdf, format


Part of the SoulShadows series

Hey Jordan,

is this the version I read or a different one?

Hey Jordan, just read this one. Good episode man. Really creepy, old school ghost story.

I liked the way you set things up pretty quickly with the compass and then the characters were well introduced on the other ship. One thing though, I was a little confused about timing. I was thinking that both these things were happening at the same time but then I thought the first scene was way in the past. I think maybe having dates in the first super would help that out. Then by the dialogue, uniforms, technology we should be able to tell that the next scene is more current.

I saw a bit of a similarity with '30 days of night' here, don't know if that was intentional. Just the whole speech about humans wasting their opportunity and the noises the characters made. Pretty cool stuff.

I think you could do with another proofread of the script mate, just there were a few their/there mix-ups, lower case letters at the start of sentences and question marks missing. No biggy, just pointing it out.

I liked this mate, thought you did a great job with it.

Hey Jordan

Nice opening that sets up the story, the mystery of what happen on the USS Kentucky.

You have some great banter between the crew of the Proud Mary. Thomas' remarks to Troy are funny, made me chuckle.

When Jack goes up on deck when they first see the Kentucky, Thomas and Troy are badgering each other again but Jack says 'cut it out Nick'. Is this a typo as Nick wasn't saying anything?

Like Ste says, this is like an old school ghost story. I wasn't too sure where you were going with this, and it was a bit of a slow burner. Also at first I thought the ending was poor, I thought Jack had defeated the 'Alien' simply by strangling it but I was wrong...and I'm glad.

Was the compass meant to be from the same two stories as mentioned by first Green and then referenced by Nick, the dissapearnece of the crew from a ww2 ship? This was my conclusion anyway.

This was a slow one, as I mentioned but I enjoyed it. I would have liked a bit more story as much of this focused on the characters of the Proud Mary only for them to be taken/disappear easily. The ending was cool though and I wasn't dissapointed Jordan. Nice story.

Quoted from me Hey Jordan, is this the version I read or a different one?

It's a bit different, I cut out a bit of the beginning and added more to the climax.

Hey Ste and Alffy , thanks for the read, I wanted to try and do something a little different than supernatural so I thought I'd go with an alien story instead.

Quoted from stebrown One thing though, I was a little confused about timing. I was thinking that both these things were happening at the same time but then I thought the first scene was way in the past.

It takes place in the same time, like days apart. At first I was thinking of the first part taking place like in the early 90' or something, but then I decided against it.

Quoted from alffy Was the compass meant to be from the same two stories as mentioned by first Green and then referenced by Nick, the dissapearnece of the crew from a ww2 ship? This was my conclusion anyway.

Yeah you're right, they were, I thought it be c0ol for this to kind of be a recurring event.

Thanks again for the read and comments.  

Hey Jordan,

Good job.   I liked the atmosphere and the Bermuda Triangle-esque story.  I love stories about the Bermuda triangle haven't seen may of those around lately.  A couple of comments though --

First you have a number of typos.  No biggie.  

Next I think you have a few too many characters for something this short.  I would try to condense two of the less important characters into one.

This could also benefit from a bit more foreshadowing about Bonnie.  You don't mention or imply that she died at sea (at least I don't think you did).  

Otherwise, well done.

Bert,

Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.  I liked it.

Hey Micheal thanks for the read.

Quoted from mcornetto Hey Jordan, This could also benefit from a bit more foreshadowing about Bonnie.  You don't mention or imply that she died at sea (at least I don't think you did).

I agree, this was something that I added, I felt I needed more at the end, but I should have gone more in depth, also with the son since he would be part alien as well.

Quoted from mcornetto Bert, Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.  I liked it.

I concur, I really liked what Bert did here.

Thanks again for the read

Popping onto Jordan's thread for a few quick comments.

As I told Jordan privately, I think this episode makes for a nice switch.  At first reading I was worried it seemed a little out there, but by the time I was ready to send the Tanis segments back, I thought it was a really nice fit.

I am pleased with how this one turned out -- both Jordan's tale and Tanis.

Quoted from mcornetto Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.

This segment for Tanis sort of grew out of the discussion you and I had a while back, Cornetto -- about a very specific episode.  

I am still teasing that thought -- and kind of setting the stage for that at some point in the future -- should anything ever come of it.

Hey Jordan, just found this...not sure how I missed it when it first posted.

This is really good!  Really good!  I'm surprised...a good surprise.  Easily the best in ths series, I think.  Tannis' parts are also great.

A agree that you probably have a few too many characters for this short a script, but it works very well.  Some have said it's slow, but I really don't think so.  I felt the tension, and impending doom early on, and it really was very effective.

Like others have said, there are too many mistakes in here, and you can easily clean them up...and should.  I also think the ending is a bit of a letdown, only because I don't think you need to explain exactly what's happening, and it kinda took away from the overall feeling of WTF that you had going on throughout.  I do like the very ending though, with the chopper taking him away and from there, again, WTF?  Nice way to wrap things up!  Very effective!

I'm impressed with this.  I really am.  Nice job!

Just read the other posts...I agree that the Bonnie thing needs some foreshadowing, and you could easily do that by just taking out some banter that doesn't need to be there between the other characters.

Again, though...solid effort!

Man I forgot about this script...lol

Thanks for the read and comments, I wanted to try and do an old school ghost story, just with aliens instead of ghosts.  I know I do have maybe one character too many, I actually had more but it was getting too long so I'm glad I cut that person out.  I agree I needed to set up Bonnie a bit more, that was kind of a last minute thing I added.

Anyways thanks for the read.