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Hey Jordan, just read this one. Good episode man. Really creepy, old school ghost story.
I liked the way you set things up pretty quickly with the compass and then the characters were well introduced on the other ship. One thing though, I was a little confused about timing. I was thinking that both these things were happening at the same time but then I thought the first scene was way in the past. I think maybe having dates in the first super would help that out. Then by the dialogue, uniforms, technology we should be able to tell that the next scene is more current.
I saw a bit of a similarity with '30 days of night' here, don't know if that was intentional. Just the whole speech about humans wasting their opportunity and the noises the characters made. Pretty cool stuff.
I think you could do with another proofread of the script mate, just there were a few their/there mix-ups, lower case letters at the start of sentences and question marks missing. No biggy, just pointing it out.
I liked this mate, thought you did a great job with it.
Nice opening that sets up the story, the mystery of what happen on the USS Kentucky.
You have some great banter between the crew of the Proud Mary. Thomas' remarks to Troy are funny, made me chuckle.
When Jack goes up on deck when they first see the Kentucky, Thomas and Troy are badgering each other again but Jack says 'cut it out Nick'. Is this a typo as Nick wasn't saying anything?
Like Ste says, this is like an old school ghost story. I wasn't too sure where you were going with this, and it was a bit of a slow burner. Also at first I thought the ending was poor, I thought Jack had defeated the 'Alien' simply by strangling it but I was wrong...and I'm glad.
Was the compass meant to be from the same two stories as mentioned by first Green and then referenced by Nick, the dissapearnece of the crew from a ww2 ship? This was my conclusion anyway.
This was a slow one, as I mentioned but I enjoyed it. I would have liked a bit more story as much of this focused on the characters of the Proud Mary only for them to be taken/disappear easily. The ending was cool though and I wasn't dissapointed Jordan. Nice story.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Popping onto Jordan's thread for a few quick comments.
As I told Jordan privately, I think this episode makes for a nice switch. At first reading I was worried it seemed a little out there, but by the time I was ready to send the Tanis segments back, I thought it was a really nice fit.
I am pleased with how this one turned out -- both Jordan's tale and Tanis.
Quoted from mcornetto
Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.
This segment for Tanis sort of grew out of the discussion you and I had a while back, Cornetto -- about a very specific episode.
I am still teasing that thought -- and kind of setting the stage for that at some point in the future -- should anything ever come of it.
Hey Jordan, just found this...not sure how I missed it when it first posted.
This is really good! Really good! I'm surprised...a good surprise. Easily the best in ths series, I think. Tannis' parts are also great.
A agree that you probably have a few too many characters for this short a script, but it works very well. Some have said it's slow, but I really don't think so. I felt the tension, and impending doom early on, and it really was very effective.
Like others have said, there are too many mistakes in here, and you can easily clean them up...and should. I also think the ending is a bit of a letdown, only because I don't think you need to explain exactly what's happening, and it kinda took away from the overall feeling of WTF that you had going on throughout. I do like the very ending though, with the chopper taking him away and from there, again, WTF? Nice way to wrap things up! Very effective!
I'm impressed with this. I really am. Nice job!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Just read the other posts...I agree that the Bonnie thing needs some foreshadowing, and you could easily do that by just taking out some banter that doesn't need to be there between the other characters.
Again, though...solid effort!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Thanks for the read and comments, I wanted to try and do an old school ghost story, just with aliens instead of ghosts. I know I do have maybe one character too many, I actually had more but it was getting too long so I'm glad I cut that person out. I agree I needed to set up Bonnie a bit more, that was kind of a last minute thing I added.
Thought i'd bump this if it's kicking off twelve days of that hack writer Bert...
Good job on Tanis. I feel as Cornetto did. She had a different tone to her character this time. Seems like a foreshadow to your SS script. She is a bit remorse that she won't be going anywhere.
This story was just okay to me. I see I'm on an island here. Most seem to really like it. I did enjoy the eeriness in the beginning, but when people just started to get sucked upwards by some unseen thing it fell flat to me.
I actually would've liked the scene deleted of the USS Kentucky. Then have the legend be about that ship going rogue. Then they tell the legend once they come across it, which needs to have a better explanation IMO. The insertion of the whacky compass didn't make sense to me.
The aliens motives were fine, but why did they start with a warship to destroy us? I agree with others that the Bonnie thing needed to be set up better. Anywho, not gonna go too in depth. I thought the characters were above average. Could begin to discern them apart from one another right as this story comes to a conclusion. So, good work there.
It read fast, but was chock full of typos. Dunno why this happened on SS scripts. Figured Bert had to read your story to write Tanis. IMO, he's one of the best readers (and writers) on this site. Bert? Do you not point out the typos??? Shame on you...
Tanis...had a different tone to her character this time. Seems like a foreshadow to your SS script.
Nice pick-up, James. You are absolutely correct. This episode more than any of the others, actually.
Cornetto had already suggested that I create a free-standing "Tanis" episode by this point, and while I only had the basic idea for where her story might lead, I did set out to kind of set it up -- whatever it was -- with this episode.
It took a while for this whole episode to grow on me. At first I felt like it did not fit the series at all -- but later I felt like this change of pace opened things up a bit -- and it turned out being one of my favorite Tanis segments.
I am pretty sure it is the only time you see Tanis outside of her cave.