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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Soulshadows - Deadlights Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows - Deadlights  (currently 2901 views)
Don
Posted: October 1st, 2008, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Soulshadows - Deadlights by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Series, Short - A fishing vessel comes across a deserted naval ship which holds a terrifying secret.  31 pages - pdf, format


Part of the SoulShadows series


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stebrown
Posted: October 2nd, 2008, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, just read this one. Good episode man. Really creepy, old school ghost story.

I liked the way you set things up pretty quickly with the compass and then the characters were well introduced on the other ship. One thing though, I was a little confused about timing. I was thinking that both these things were happening at the same time but then I thought the first scene was way in the past. I think maybe having dates in the first super would help that out. Then by the dialogue, uniforms, technology we should be able to tell that the next scene is more current.

I saw a bit of a similarity with '30 days of night' here, don't know if that was intentional. Just the whole speech about humans wasting their opportunity and the noises the characters made. Pretty cool stuff.

I think you could do with another proofread of the script mate, just there were a few their/there mix-ups, lower case letters at the start of sentences and question marks missing. No biggy, just pointing it out.

I liked this mate, thought you did a great job with it.


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alffy
Posted: October 2nd, 2008, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan

Nice opening that sets up the story, the mystery of what happen on the USS Kentucky.

You have some great banter between the crew of the Proud Mary. Thomas' remarks to Troy are funny, made me chuckle.

When Jack goes up on deck when they first see the Kentucky, Thomas and Troy are badgering each other again but Jack says 'cut it out Nick'. Is this a typo as Nick wasn't saying anything?

Like Ste says, this is like an old school ghost story. I wasn't too sure where you were going with this, and it was a bit of a slow burner. Also at first I thought the ending was poor, I thought Jack had defeated the 'Alien' simply by strangling it but I was wrong...and I'm glad.

Was the compass meant to be from the same two stories as mentioned by first Green and then referenced by Nick, the dissapearnece of the crew from a ww2 ship? This was my conclusion anyway.

This was a slow one, as I mentioned but I enjoyed it. I would have liked a bit more story as much of this focused on the characters of the Proud Mary only for them to be taken/disappear easily. The ending was cool though and I wasn't dissapointed Jordan. Nice story.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 3rd, 2008, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Hey Jordan,

is this the version I read or a different one?


It's a bit different, I cut out a bit of the beginning and added more to the climax.

Hey Ste and Alffy , thanks for the read, I wanted to try and do something a little different than supernatural so I thought I'd go with an alien story instead.


Quoted from stebrown
One thing though, I was a little confused about timing. I was thinking that both these things were happening at the same time but then I thought the first scene was way in the past.


It takes place in the same time, like days apart. At first I was thinking of the first part taking place like in the early 90' or something, but then I decided against it.


Quoted from alffy

Was the compass meant to be from the same two stories as mentioned by first Green and then referenced by Nick, the dissapearnece of the crew from a ww2 ship? This was my conclusion anyway.


Yeah you're right, they were, I thought it be c0ol for this to kind of be a recurring event.

Thanks again for the read and comments.  







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mcornetto
Posted: October 3rd, 2008, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan,

Good job.   I liked the atmosphere and the Bermuda Triangle-esque story.  I love stories about the Bermuda triangle haven't seen may of those around lately.  A couple of comments though --

First you have a number of typos.  No biggie.  

Next I think you have a few too many characters for something this short.  I would try to condense two of the less important characters into one.

This could also benefit from a bit more foreshadowing about Bonnie.  You don't mention or imply that she died at sea (at least I don't think you did).  

Otherwise, well done.

Bert,

Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.  I liked it.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 3rd, 2008, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Micheal thanks for the read.


Quoted from mcornetto
Hey Jordan,
This could also benefit from a bit more foreshadowing about Bonnie.  You don't mention or imply that she died at sea (at least I don't think you did).  


I agree, this was something that I added, I felt I needed more at the end, but I should have gone more in depth, also with the son since he would be part alien as well.


Quoted from mcornetto

Bert,
Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.  I liked it.


I concur, I really liked what Bert did here.

Thanks again for the read


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bert
Posted: October 4th, 2008, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Popping onto Jordan's thread for a few quick comments.

As I told Jordan privately, I think this episode makes for a nice switch.  At first reading I was worried it seemed a little out there, but by the time I was ready to send the Tanis segments back, I thought it was a really nice fit.

I am pleased with how this one turned out -- both Jordan's tale and Tanis.


Quoted from mcornetto
Tanis seemed a bit wistful in this - like she was searching for something she couldn't quite find.


This segment for Tanis sort of grew out of the discussion you and I had a while back, Cornetto -- about a very specific episode.  

I am still teasing that thought -- and kind of setting the stage for that at some point in the future -- should anything ever come of it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, just found this...not sure how I missed it when it first posted.

This is really good!  Really good!  I'm surprised...a good surprise.  Easily the best in ths series, I think.  Tannis' parts are also great.

A agree that you probably have a few too many characters for this short a script, but it works very well.  Some have said it's slow, but I really don't think so.  I felt the tension, and impending doom early on, and it really was very effective.

Like others have said, there are too many mistakes in here, and you can easily clean them up...and should.  I also think the ending is a bit of a letdown, only because I don't think you need to explain exactly what's happening, and it kinda took away from the overall feeling of WTF that you had going on throughout.  I do like the very ending though, with the chopper taking him away and from there, again, WTF?  Nice way to wrap things up!  Very effective!

I'm impressed with this.  I really am.  Nice job!


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Just read the other posts...I agree that the Bonnie thing needs some foreshadowing, and you could easily do that by just taking out some banter that doesn't need to be there between the other characters.

Again, though...solid effort!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 19th, 2008, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Man I forgot about this script...lol

Thanks for the read and comments, I wanted to try and do an old school ghost story, just with aliens instead of ghosts.  I know I do have maybe one character too many, I actually had more but it was getting too long so I'm glad I cut that person out.  I agree I needed to set up Bonnie a bit more, that was kind of a last minute thing I added.

Anyways thanks for the read.


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jwent6688
Posted: December 21st, 2010, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thought i'd bump this if it's kicking off twelve days of that hack writer Bert...

Bert,

Good job on Tanis. I feel as Cornetto did. She had a different tone to her character this time. Seems like a foreshadow to your SS script. She is a bit remorse that she won't be going anywhere.

Jordan,

This story was just okay to me. I see I'm on an island here. Most seem to really like it. I did enjoy the eeriness in the beginning, but when people just started to get sucked upwards by some unseen thing it fell flat to me.

I actually would've liked the scene deleted of the USS Kentucky. Then have the legend be about that ship going rogue. Then they tell the legend once they come across it, which needs to have a better explanation IMO. The insertion of the whacky compass didn't make sense to me.

The aliens motives were fine, but why did they start with a warship to destroy us? I agree with others that the Bonnie thing needed to be set up better. Anywho, not gonna go too in depth. I thought the characters were above average. Could begin to discern them apart from one another right as this story comes to a conclusion. So, good work there.

It read fast, but was chock full of typos. Dunno why this happened on SS scripts. Figured Bert had to read your story to write Tanis. IMO, he's one of the best readers (and writers) on this site. Bert? Do you not point out the typos??? Shame on you...

Good work guys. Was entertained nonetheless...

James


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bert
Posted: December 22nd, 2010, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Thought i'd bump this if it's kicking off twelve days of that hack writer Bert...


Ha...no kidding.  I can't  believe such a cheap scam would actually generate any reads at all.


Quoted from jwent6688
Tanis...had a different tone to her character this time. Seems like a foreshadow to your SS script.


Nice pick-up, James.  You are absolutely correct.  This episode more than any of the others, actually.

Cornetto had already suggested that I create a free-standing "Tanis" episode by this point, and while I only had the basic idea for where her story might lead, I did set out to kind of set it up -- whatever it was -- with this episode.

It took a while for this whole episode to grow on me.  At first I felt like it did not fit the series at all -- but later I felt like this change of pace opened things up a bit -- and it turned out being one of my favorite Tanis segments.

I am pretty sure it is the only time you see Tanis outside of her cave.


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Mr. Ripley
Posted: December 22nd, 2010, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan,

Got to read this. Sorry i didn't read it before. For some odd reason, i thought this was a period piece. lol. But I see it isn't.

Like many people have said, there are too many characters in here. I suggest combine a few them.

Develop Bonnie a bit more.

I think some of the dialogue could be improved, but that could be me just being a perfectionist.

I think there should have been more fight between the crew members to search the boat.

Other than that, I enjoyed it the way it is. I like the alien approach.


Bert,
Tanis was great as usual. I'm curious why Tanis couldn't be outside in the other episodes? It worked in this one.  

Gabe



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