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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Wish Me Luck Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: February 15th, 2009, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wish Me Luck by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Lex offers to help Will out who's down on his luck. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Xavier
Posted: February 15th, 2009, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, I'm not going to leave a long reply, I'm just gonna say that I liked your script, it was a short read and I like to read comedies, they're always a blast, so it was enjoyable for me.

If you could I would like it if you could give some of my work a read, I have a new script up Mr. Cohen.

Good Luck in the future,

Xavier


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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NiK
Posted: February 15th, 2009, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Xavier
Hey Javier, I'm not going to leave a long reply, I'm just gonna say that I liked your script, it was a short read and I like to read comedies, they're always a blast, so it was enjoyable for me.

If you could I would like it if you could give some of my work a read, I have a new script up Mr. Cohen.


Why should he read Mr. Cohen when you say it is good when you just say you liked his script with no particular reason? You have to go more in details and explain why you liked it, why was it enjoyable etc., i think you should do that.






Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
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Anniversary

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bobtheballa
Posted: February 15th, 2009, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Well that was certainly bizarre, though entertaining with a twist at the end.

This would probably work best as a cartoon, though in that case I'd probably remove Lex's visible erection after the dance with the females glancing down and giggling or something more subtle. Despite how humorous it was to see zoo animals acting like a bunch of horny, well animals, I think it may have been a bit much.

Other than that I didn't see any glaring problems, though I think there's certainly potential to expand upon the confrontations with the caged animals and the ignorant humans. A well done, enjoyable read!
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jayrex
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Ian,

Thanks for the read.  This is my St. Valentine's Day effort.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Well that was certainly bizarre, though entertaining with a twist at the end.


I was hoping it was entertaining.


Quoted from bobtheballa
This would probably work best as a cartoon, though in that case I'd probably remove Lex's visible erection...


I agree this would work as a cartoon and I have removed that erection scene.  I thought it would be funny visually and over-the-top.  But kinda felt that people may not like this scene as I did.  If you're the first not to like it then you'll not be the last.  So I've removed it.


Quoted from bobtheballa
...A well done, enjoyable read!


Thanks man, much appreciated.


Javier

p.s.

I will try to get around to reading your script Xavier but as Nik said, I'm happy you found my script enjoyable.  But how?  Did anything stand out?  Was the ending good too?

Hey Nik, posting any scripts soon?


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tonkatough
Posted: February 21st, 2009, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Once again you've come up with a great idea. The secret life of animals in the zoo.

Interesting read but I still don't think you are pushing your ideas hard enough.  For me the story just felt a bit flat. If you removed the few animal references you have (bannana sex/lion eat pig/monkey reject peanuts) this could easily be a story about people doing people stuff. I kept forgeting they where animals while reading and just imagined normal actors.

Why make the animals so human and do human things like have candle light dinner?

Your line where lion ask for animals to date and want a "porker" was hilarious.

I feel you could have milked heaps more laughs and wacky wacked out wackiness by take your idea to the extreem and had Lex run a shadey dating service outfit where he busts horny animals up out of their pens and hook them up with other horny animals from other pens or something. Have animals sneek about zoo at night and escape from pens using only their claws horns, tusks hooves or what ever.

Punch line did nothing for your story either. But I'm not a big fan of the story lead up to twist or reversal or whatever.


    


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JonnyBoy
Posted: February 22nd, 2009, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, this had a nice sort of Toy Story vibe to it - the things animals get up to when we're not looking. Some of this was really funny. I particularly liked the wild boar in the lions' den bit, although my favourite would have to be the baboon sitting inside Lex's monitor.

I agree with Glenn, however, that this needs to be more removed from human behaviour. The main thing that grated on me was having the animals be motivated by money. Replacing that with something more...'animaly' would work better, IMO.

However, despite that I thought this was an enjoyable read. I found it funny, and thought Lex was a good character. Having him as a Tasmanian devil was a nice touch, Good job!

Jon


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jayrex
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.


Quoted from tonkatough
Once again you've come up with a great idea. The secret life of animals in the zoo.


Happy you found this to be a great idea.  Starting off well.


Quoted from tonkatough
Interesting read but I still don't think you are pushing your ideas hard enough.  For me the story just felt a bit flat.


Uh-oh.


Quoted from tonkatough
If you removed the few animal references you have... this could easily be a story about people doing people stuff. I kept forgeting they where animals while reading and just imagined normal actors.


I suppose I was influenced by such great cartoons like Duckman.  But given the constraints and setting in a zoo.  I took out the payment by money scene and replaced this with food.  I might redo some other scenes.


Quoted from tonkatough
Your line where lion ask for animals to date and want a "porker" was hilarious.


Cool.


Quoted from tonkatough
I feel you could have milked heaps more...and had Lex run a shadey dating service outfit.... Have animals sneek about zoo at night and escape from pens using only their claws horns, tusks hooves or what ever.


This is an idea.  I'll see if I can sneak this in.  I was planning on going to the zoo to check it out but it rained.  I wanted to get ideas and see what animals I could stick in the story.


Quoted from tonkatough
Punch line did nothing for your story either. But I'm not a big fan of the story lead up to twist or reversal or whatever.


I guess this is a let down.  I liked it but I'll give it a couple of weeks before I look at it with fresh eyes.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Jonny,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
...Some of this was really funny. I particularly liked the wild boar in the lions' den bit, although my favourite would have to be the baboon sitting inside Lex's monitor.


Baboons are just funny to look at.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
I agree with Glenn, however, that this needs to be more removed from human behaviour. The main thing that grated on me was having the animals be motivated by money. Replacing that with something more...'animaly' would work better, IMO.


I took the payment out and replaced it with food.  I felt this wasn't right and replaced it with typical Tasmanian food.  Although the human factor, see above.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
However, despite that I thought this was an enjoyable read. I found it funny, and thought Lex was a good character. Having him as a Tasmanian devil was a nice touch, Good job!


Due to the nature of the Tasmanian devil, this story changed quite dramatically.  I was going to have Lex shag every animal he came in contact with.  But couldn't figure out on a decent storyline.  Plus, it doesn't sound quite right.

Happy you enjoyed it.

Cheers,


Javier


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tonkatough
Posted: February 24th, 2009, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Just curious. have you had any experience with Tasmanian Devil or did you do your research?

I was holidaying in Tasmaina a year ago and saw a Tasmanian Devil in a wild life park and they are just ugly dirty little black dog type animals that grunt and snarl at each other.

One of the devils had his face half chewed off. Funny thing is the accident happened when two devils where eating a piece of meat at the same time and one was eating faster then other and started biting into the others face and chewed it off.  

Yeah Tasmanian Devils are filthy stupid little buggers.  


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BryMo
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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I read this yesterday, and had honestly thought i commented already.

I remember liking this and thinking it'd obviously be used as
animation. Those old time cartoons like Looney Tunes, only ... more
involved with sex. But, besides their "animal urges," the characters never
really made animal like-maneuvers. They seemed like normal people.
So my one critique would be to take the animal tendencies to the next level.

Beyond the hornyness obviously
(your "porker" line... lmao)

So, in the end i dug the Tasmanian-devil character- he made the story for me.

So Good job i guess. No complaints on my part.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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jayrex
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Bryan.

If you like this and have no complaints then that can only be good.  I will have to have a rewriting session and will add this to the list to improve on the animal characteristics.

Glenn, I have no experience with Tasmanian Devils.  Only from what I've read.  Would love to go over to Australia Zoo to check out all the wildlife.

Cheers.

JT


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