Karma Attendant by Craig Ramirez (Craiger6) - Short - When a parking garage attendant discovers that his brother was behind a recent bank heist, he finds himself at the center of a moral crossroads.  In the end, he finds that helping his brother and doing the right thing may not be mutually exclusive. 10 pages - pdf, format

This is really good. Truly, I enjoyed it and it was a fast read.

You need to put FADE IN at the left.

Please note, I did read this fast and if I went over this with a thin comb, I might start writing more notes to develop and improve, but you've got it as it is.

If you have any questions, please P.M. me.

Oh, and please do fix the logline, but the title is EXCELLENT!!!

And, I love the KARMA.

Congratulations on this! I'm impressed!!!  

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it and I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, I hear you about the logline.  I actually wrote this a while back and decided to sit on it.  When I finally decided to submit it, I tossed that together, but it reads like one long run on.  

Any suggestions on how I might submit a new logline?

Anyway, thanks again.

Craig

Hey Craig,

So this was really interesting and different. I like your writing style, and the "Goldsteins from da hood" angle was cute. It's an example of what makes a script unique - instead of just concentrating on story you went against type and fleshed out characters that are worth seeing.

If I'm thinking of how to help you make this better...

SPOILERS

First I'm not sure that Miguel and Luis would give that much information to each other over the phone. Sure they don't really give facts, but it's not enough of a code. I'm guessing Luis is a pro, so he'd have to be wary of having his phone tapped.

The other thing is that I didn't feel that Luis thought he was in enough jeopardy. He asks Miguel for help, but is it really clear what he wants Miguel to do for him? I never felt that either Luis or Miguel were up against it here.

If they can somehow meet in a coffee shop then you'd be able to give more facts and let the audience in a bit. I think we need to see Luis' face to know he feels he needs help from his brother. It would also be a nice moment to film - the two brothers at odds.

I do think though that you have enough here for someone to look at filming this, and it's economical in the way of characters and length.

Nice job!

Anthony

Quoted from Craiger6 Hi Sandra, Any suggestions on how I might submit a new logline?

Yes, hang on. First, I took a look at this again and noticed:

MAN (O.S)
Miguel, I need you tonight.

Page 2

I'll tell mom you called.

Should be: Mom with a capital here.

Here:

TREVOR
Listen, I gotta run, can you ask
Miguel to give it a wash tomorrow?
I was up in Vermont all weekend,
she took a beating.

I notice that although Trevor's talking to
Miguel, he asks: Can you ask Miguel...

>She unconscious.

Should be

She's

But rather, just use a comma and get rid of the be verb altogether.

More typos here:

>as a two SANITATION WORKERS follow...

And here:

>So a major banks gets knocked

Try and keep the logline as short as possible.

I've come up with the following, but what I wanted
to do is capture a lighter tone which is a big
part of this piece, but I had trouble with the
writing of Trevor's part in all this. I though of
the word, criminal, but that didn't work and
what I came up with does NOT sound light
in tone at all; so I'm afraid humor isn't in
the logline I came up with for you, but here goes:

A parking attendant evens the score with a sex offender.

The next choice might be:

A parking attendant evens the score with an obnoxious pighead.

*I think I like the second one better because you could draw
up Trevor's character as being pig-like. Also, it keeps the tone
light overall, which is I think what you want.

Sandra

Hi Craig,

My first impression is this is very well written. I liked your writing style and it was a breeze to read. I can picture everything in my head.

Now to the story. I have to say some parts need to be clarified. The relationship between Miguel, Luis, the Goldsteins, and Trevor is not clear enough.

What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story?

I felt the plot and the events are kinda disjointed. I don't mean the story doesn't flow, because it does, but somehow all of the elements don't fit into one big picture. It's like this happens and then that happens, but they don't really relate, and then the end. The problem, I think, is there isn't escalating conflict about one thing.

According to your logline, I'm expecting Miguel to be conflicting inside himself whether he should help Luis on the heist. But there's nothing like that in here. If this is about the heist itself, then I can see a big picture. Like how all the events lead up to the crisis point. I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad.

Overall, I still enjoyed it, but feels the story disjointed without one single point of direction. I hope you understand what I meant.

Herman

Quoted from Coding Herman Hi Craig, My first impression is this is very well written. I liked your writing style and it was a breeze to read. I can picture everything in my head. Now to the story. I have to say some parts need to be clarified. The relationship between Miguel, Luis, the Goldsteins, and Trevor is not clear enough. What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story? I felt the plot and the events are kinda disjointed. I don't mean the story doesn't flow, because it does, but somehow all of the elements don't fit into one big picture. It's like this happens and then that happens, but they don't really relate, and then the end. The problem, I think, is there isn't escalating conflict about one thing. According to your logline, I'm expecting Miguel to be conflicting inside himself whether he should help Luis on the heist. But there's nothing like that in here. If this is about the heist itself, then I can see a big picture. Like how all the events lead up to the crisis point. I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad. Overall, I still enjoyed it, but feels the story disjointed without one single point of direction. I hope you understand what I meant. Herman

Hi Herman,

I'm trying to understand your comment above and also to clarify a bit more; so that things can be ironed out in a potential rewrite.

The first thing that happens is that we learn about our protag-- He has a lousy job in a small cubicle, it's freezing outside and the little heater he has inside is cranked to the max to keep him warm. His name is Miguel, he's Spanish American and he probably came from a broken home. His mother's in rough shape and he's got bills to pay.

Sounds to me like a lot of characters been packed into this very lean script.
Second, we're alerted to the fact that there's been a big heist in New York and the cops are clueless.

Shortly thereafter, Miguel learns that his brother is the person behind the headlines.

I didn't think that his brother was planning a second heist, but you might clarify this, because it almost sounds like that.

Third, the Goldsteins are introduced as, I suspect, some typical high profile, rich New Yorkers that are lucky enough to be able to afford to have a car and actually pay for parking. I imagine this is a really big thing in New York, to own a car and thus, the Goldsteins really represent the high falutin-"ous" of the wealthy Escalade driving old couple that happen to listen to rap music.

Fourth, enter Trevor. He's so obnoxious you want to knock his block off. His dialogue reeks with insults to everything that sums up Miguel and his "parking attendant" life.

TREVOR (CONT’D)
(laughing)
I’m just busting your balls, Jose.
I mean, “huevos”. Huevos, right?

Fifth, Miguel discovers the abusive pictures in Trevor's vehicle.

Sixth, montage showing Miguel getting the brown bag of money.

Seventh, Trevor gets the pay-back, the cops block his way out with a garbage truck and interestingly enough, we're left to wonder what it is that Mr. Goldstein did that night (it says last) but it should be before last. What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,   Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.

It would be possible to have Mrs. Goldstein partially reveal that he always had wanted to do something daring and... Then cut off.

I think that the part of the Goldsteins are important. They capture the flavor of the piece. And like I said, just to own a car in New York is a big deal, let alone Escalades and BMWs.

Sandra

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading.  I know you aren’t getting paid for it, so it’s much appreciated.  I’ve already got some great feedback all around.

Anthony:

“First I'm not sure that Miguel and Luis would give that much information to each other over the phone.”

Duly noted.  

“The other thing is that I didn't feel that Luis thought he was in enough jeopardy. He asks Miguel for help, but is it really clear what he wants Miguel to do for him?”

Excellent point.  I guess I kind of wanted to keep the focus on Miguel since it’s really his story.  I did toss in a line at the beginning when Miguel and Luis are talking on the phone where Miguel says something like, “I won’t get involved in this.  Not again.”  Without giving away the methods used, I guess I was trying to intimate that this is not the first time that Luis has called on Miguel.

“If they can somehow meet in a coffee shop then you'd be able to give more facts and let the audience in a bit. I think we need to see Luis' face to know he feels he needs help from his brother.”

I think this is a terrific point, and I can totally see it.  You make a very good point about seeing Luis and making him a bit more relatable.  In the first writing of this story, I struggled with the fact that Luis was breaking the law, so it was going to be difficult to make him someone that people would identify with.  In an earlier draft, the solution I tried was making Trevor more of an a-hole by having the pictures found in his car of a very young, teenage girl.  I didn’t feel like that worked though because then Miguel could just call the cops on him right then and there.  

Sandra:

Thanks, for the typos.  They always seem to pop up, no matter how hard I try.  

TREVOR
Listen, I gotta run, can you ask
Miguel to give it a wash tomorrow?
I was up in Vermont all weekend,
she took a beating.

I notice that although Trevor's talking to
Miguel, he asks: Can you ask Miguel...

I thought this may be a bit confusing.  What I was going for here was that Trevor basically didn’t know who it was that he was talking to.  It wasn’t worth his time to try and remember Miguel’s name, so he just called him by the most generic Hispanic name he could think of, i.e. Jose.  It’s kind of the old, “they’re all the same” kind of thinking.

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time for a second read.  It’s much appreciated.  I’ll take those logs under advisement as well.  They admittedly pop a little better than what I have.  Oh BTW, it reminds me, when you pointed out the capitalization of Mom.  The Man (O.S.) s/b a (V.O.).

Herman:
Thanks for the read, dude.  Much appreciated.  

“What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story?”

Yeah, in retrospect, I can kind of see where you are coming from here.  It’s like the Goldstein’s just pop up every now and then.  The idea for this came from how some parking garages in NYC (and other places I’m sure) are attached to an apartment building, so residents can come in and out, and get their cars.  In this instance, Trevor and The Goldstein’s are residents of the building and that’s why they run into each other getting their cars.  I kind of wanted to show that just because they (the Goldstein’s) had money, they weren’t dooshes like Trevor.  

“I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad.”

Fair enough.  Perhaps this is something that I can work on in the scene that Anthony suggested above.

Sandra (cont’d)

I see you just made an update.  Wow, I think you and I are on the same wavelength, cause you pretty much nailed what I was going for, Sandra.  That’s cool when that happens.  Haha.

“What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,    Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.”

Ha – very interesting idea.  Will take this under advisement.

Anyway, thanks again for reading, guys, it really is appreciated, and I’m glad that you all mostly enjoyed it.  That’s always an added bonus.

Craig

Quoted from Craiger6 Sandra (cont’d) I see you just made an update.  Wow, I think you and I are on the same wavelength, cause you pretty much nailed what I was going for, Sandra.  That’s cool when that happens.  Haha. “What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,    Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.” Ha – very interesting idea.  Will take this under advisement.

I'm glad if I can help. Regarding Miguel being called Jose or Huevos etc... I thought that
Trevor was calling him those names as part of his insulting nature and not due to any memory lapse. I guess that's an important point for the actor. Because if Trevor actually can't remember because he could care less, or if Trevor is purposely calling him by every Spanish name, but his real one, it would make him look far more aggravating, as if he's trying to make Miguel "take it" and actually, he's like to see him "not take it" because then he can say, "Last time I'm ever giving you a Christmas tip."

I'm thinking it's possible that Trevor, as bad as he is, gives Miguel a good size Christmas tip every year and Trevor uses it for the help in the care of his mother.
That's enough for him to be nice, but we can just imagine how Miguel must feel inside.

They say that if you can, try and write a scene without using the telephone because it provides so much more visual interest than just characters talking on the phone.

I don't know how relevant that point might be in this case. If you were to put the two brothers together in a scene outside of the parking garage, I understand you're adding a location, but on the other hand, it might just be the think to give this a little shot in the arm, you know.

Perhaps, if the brothers were together, and we see the state of their place, their mother, etc... We would be able to feel more for the situation. Now of course, that's building this a little bit bigger I know, but who ever knows with these things. Why not consider your options right?  

Sandra

Craig, I checked this out. Couple things first.

Luis on the phone should be (V.O.) not (O.S.)

Some sentences look funny in dialogue. Like you spaced twice after Mr. G. a couple of times.

pg 4
INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

I didn't get why this slug was needed. I would get rid of it. They're already there.

You've also got and extra page at the end.

Strong point... Loved the Goldsteins. They were great. Good dialogue overall.

Weakness... I just don't buy that this would workout in the end. Obviously Williamsen knew who had his car keys. The cops would have to look into Miguel because of it. Then they'd probably look into his brother as well.

Also, if Williamsen was really out of town, He'd probably have some real alibies from wherever he was. That would definitely make the cops look at Miguel.

Anyways, i did enjoy it. Felt the writing was good. Dialogue very good. Just too many plot holes right now. Maybe if Miguel never had his keys, Williamsen parked it himself, Then they toss they break into it and plant it. Would be more believable to me.

Hope this helps some, As I said, not bad...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Weakness... I just don't buy that this would workout in the end. Obviously Williamsen knew who had his car keys. The cops would have to look into Miguel because of it. Then they'd probably look into his brother as well.

This could be fixed with a neat fix at the end, having Mr. Goldstein drop some big dollars into the cops' hands.

I know in my heart that all the real shit that goes on is all bought and paid for. Some people believe in "The Justice System". I don't. Money rules. Power rules.

Sandra

I had mixed feelings about this one; unfortunately, the majority of them were bad.

Miguel's role in the story doesn't come near his full potential. A garage attendant is an example of one of those invisible people who learn everything.  While you have him getting involved in the lives of those he works for, he's barely involved.  Someone in his position can learn so much more from the car owners.  You use a cheap plot device to beat us over the head how bad Trevor is.

Mister Goldstein was a funny character, but he didn't reach his potential either.  You start him off at a certain level of cluelessness, but he doesn't go further. Perhaps have him get worse the more he talks.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I had mixed feelings about this one; unfortunately, the majority of them were bad. Miguel's role in the story doesn't come near his full potential. A garage attendant is an example of one of those invisible people who learn everything.  While you have him getting involved in the lives of those he works for, he's barely involved.  Someone in his position can learn so much more from the car owners.  You use a cheap plot device to beat us over the head how bad Trevor is. Mister Goldstein was a funny character, but he didn't reach his potential either.  You start him off at a certain level of cluelessness, but he doesn't go further. Perhaps have him get worse the more he talks. Phil

What is the plot device, Phil? And how do you think this could be remedied?

I like the idea of developing the aspect of those "invisible people" who learn a lot.

One of those invisible people? Yeah! This is very good and real from the point of view of life. I'm just wondering how you might handle the situation, to make it better, from your perspective, that is.

Sandra

Does anyone else get the feeling this is an embryonic short that is waiting to be born as a feature?

From my perspective, I feel like this is so loaded with life and character, I'd like to see it grow.

Sandra

SPOILER SPACE

The plot device was dropping the car keys under the seat, Sandra.  Trevor gave Miguel a reason to look through the car. Instead of finding the photos this way, he does so while chasing a set of runaway keys.


Phil