Clownfish by Steve Miles - Short, Comedy - A wildlife park’s newest recruit finds himself caught in the rivalry of two veteran keepers. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hey Steve,

I really liked this.  The concept was good, the whole thing was very clever.  Dialogue was smooth and I could picture everything very well.  A funny piece.  I wish I could say more, but if there was anything really wrong with this script, I certainly didn't mind it.

Great job!
Gage

Hey Steve,

Seen you around on other threads, recently, so I thought I'd take a look. It seems you have a knack for writing as well as helping people out.

Couldn't fault this one, so you're going to love this review. Loved it Dialogue was top-notch, and the writing was quick and easy to get through. And, on top of that, it was incredibly funny. This definitely worked for me.

Awesome work!

Daniel

Hey Steve- Very funny, well written comedy. I enjoyed it a lot.

Hi Steve

Enjoyable read " A face that almost pleads for a swift death." lol

Very tight and clean.
Well done.

Mark

Enjoyed this...read fast...short simple...got a laugh.

Good job

Steve, I've got to say...what?  I thought this was very funny but I'm baffled by the subject lol.  Some parts went over my head, or I just didn't get it but overall it was good.  Noticed a few missed comma's but format wise, no problems.  I'm actually a little lost for word at this, it was kinda surreal.  Strange but funny is all I can leave you with.

Thanks guys for taking a read, I appreciate your time.  Wasn't sure how this would come across, pleasantly surprised so far.

Cheers,

Steve.

Hey Steve,

Owe you a read and your last one was damn good, so lets have a look.

SPOILERS

Food pavilion - not sure what i am seeing, why not cafe, canteen etc
bernie meerkats - and name tag - bit confused on this at first
Is his surname Friendly? i assume so since fit is capped but at first i thought he was friendly. At the end i wonder why you have the surname, isn't doesn't really matter?
When changing position within a scene i try to be very clear about this. The sign and then next sentence with "below" wasn't as clear as it could be.
Whats a spork?
The bernie - Huxley dialogue wasn't wholly clear at first, clearer after re read, just saying
P5 should penguins have a ? and why is it after ...
Why colon after wink?

Finished.

What i liked;

1] characters - good and crisp. Sometimes little unclear at first but you took an ordinary scene and added a good dash of character, with the innocent bernie in the middle forming the triangle and tension/conflict.

2] location - nice idea the cafe within wildlife park. We have one in jersey and i could picture the location

What i wasn't so sure of;

1] lack of twist or pay off. Yes, Huxley makes an exit but what of bernie. I feel it needed a payoff at the end, say bernie has another badge in his office which says flamingos, or something else, and switches them, or maybe animal welfare officer - under cover

Title - i am so so on this. It does capture the park and the animals but isn't wholly related to the story, i think. How about "Meercats versus Clownfish". Like "alien versus predator"

You have a nice touch of wacky characters with a sense of being different but not fully aware of their differences and i like that.

All the best.

Thanks for the notes Bill,

All valid points, especially relating to location, which was loosely based from a visit to Seattle Zoo, there’s was called a ‘food pavilion’ so I went with that -- thought it gave the notion of a bigger space than cafe.

Could certainly do away with last names, not really needed here.

A ‘spork’ is a spoon/fork hybrid, like a travel accessory, think they’re still around.

See what you mean about the colon and ellipses, not necessary.

The pay-off is really in Bernie refusing to be taken in by Pinot , it’s Huxley’s victory in a way.  I am thinking of a way to add a twist in there.

The other title option was ‘The Meerkat Guy’.  In the end I opted for something short and simple.

I appreciate the read, let me know if there’s anything of yours you’d like me to take a look at, more than happy to.

Steve.

"Can I still eat my sandwich?"

Hahaha! Great job!

Steve,
Right off the bat I liked what you did with Bernard and Huxley's opposing name-tags. You established real conflict within the first page which is rare.
You really touched on something that's an awkward situation for almost everyone, their first day at a new job. That first day can really make a person question what they've gotten themselves into as they get to know their fellow employees. Not much to offer in the way of critiques, you've got a funny, relatable story here.
Nate

Sorry it took me a few days to get to this.

Somebody used the word "tight" with regard to your dialogue.  I agree!  It doesn't waste any words.  Wasting words is okay if it suits the characters, but here, every word lets us know that these people are all business.  Nice work.  Forgive me if I say this makes me think "Dwight Schrute...in a zoo."  I mean it in the best possible way!

I like the "Did you see a movie" line of questioning for two reasons.  1.) It's so godd-mn true.  Every girl who saw Free Willy thought she was going to work at Sea World some day.  2.) You don't hit us over the head with it.  You don't condescend with any "Clownfish...Nemo!  Get it?"  Thank you for letting us do the math!

I agree that you could drop the last names.

Nice sight-gag with The Old Guy and The Older Guy.

I, too, was expecting a twist, but wasn't sure what.  I don't know what to suggest in the way of potential twists.  Once I saw that there wasn't one, I was fine with it, so maybe it's just a matter of my expectations.  It works fine as is, but if you could figure out a little (I hate this word) zing at the end, it would be a nice pay-off.

You'll always get a read, here!

-Chris

Nate, Johnny -- thanks for taking a look, much appreciated.

Chris, haven't forgotten about 'The Living' -- will take another look this weekend.  Thanks for the read.

Steve.