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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Mountain Hexer - OWC
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  Author    Mountain Hexer - OWC  (currently 4212 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mountain Hexer by Twenty - Horror - Two young men confront an evil moutain witch, but cannot possibly comprehend the horror they're about to confront. ( R ) - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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ARGH!!!!  Looks to be the first pisser of the bunch.

Too bad, too, because some of the dialogue early on is very well done.  It quickly gets old, though.

This isn't horror at all and it doesn't look like the writer took this challenge seriously.

The writing itself is very poor with mistakes of all kinds, including numeruos typos.  It doesn't look like the writer did a single edit here.

Funny at times, but overall a waste of my time.
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Neighbour
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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This is my cup of tea. Glad to see another "pisser" and one that was pretty funny as well. I didn't laugh out loud, but saw the humor and found it funny.

Could have done with a couple re-reads there. Some spelling and grammar mistakes that are unforgivable and inexcusable due to syntax. These include there that should be their or they're and the same thing with your (I think.)

I also think you could have used the extra 3-4 pages to create some suspense or build up of some sort.

But this worked for what it was. Good job on the humor and dialogue.


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

Practice will hopefully pay off for my writing.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Aha, first pisser of the day.  I liked the mountain setting, but wasn't really sure what these two idiots were doing up there.  Ugh, poor Lonnie.  I laughed at a couple lines, but that's about it.  Thanks for the slight humor break and bigger thanks for keeping this only six pages.
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stevemiles
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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A pair of rednecks set out to kill a witch, one loses his meat and veg, something about Obamacare and then they go home...  Some fun dialogue helped carry this along, though story-wise it came across as more of a skit and I’m not sure where it left us in the end.

Perhaps polished up a bit, with a little more pay-off this could make for a decent stand-alone.

Format wise the left margin looks off -- check your settings as that’ll add to the page count.

...And I learnt a new word ‘skinworm’.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Good couple of laughs in there - a nice distraction.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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Logline made me laugh, hopefully this is a comedy-horror.

Your margins are off as well as the font. Seems as if you wrote this in word? Using a program is usually always better.

"For real?" lol

"BRYAR
Obamacare."  

Okay, surprisingly, if you ignore the mistakes and such, this wasn't total shit. The story worked for what it was, it was amusing but nothing amazing. Probably a pisser but the humour kind of fell on itself. A decent effort.

Grade: C-
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RadioShea89
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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First line typo, ouch, (it's should be its). I guess my first clue at what a goofy ride I was in for started with "ol' blasty here". At least I was hoping it was comedy as it was such a ridiculous line that I wouldn't be able to forgive it if it wasn't a comedy.

Though it had a witch and was set back in some creepy woods, not sure I really felt the horror aspect of it.

I have to admit the Ken Doll comment was humorous and "Obamacare" actually had me laughing out loud.

Some funny stuff here.


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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James McClung
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. I thought this was alright. Not particularly funny but cute and relatively fun. Thought the Obamacare jokes were uber topical though; anyone could've came up with them. The ending seemed to fit the set up alright.

Not horror at all though. Not even an attempt. I'd say a failure on the guidelines front.

Writing's okay. Couple typos. Could be cleaned up with a second sweep.

Eh. Nothing particularly bad about this one. Seems to lack punch if the comedy doesn't work though. And again, doesn't meet the challenge. Not for me, I'll say.


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stevie
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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ATTENTION PERPS: the phrase is 'PISSTAKE'. Not this Americanized 'pisser'. Get it right dudes, lol!

This had some really funny moments. Love the slang names for his gentials. When it started I thought it was gonna be a Deliverance pisstake but it was cool.

At least it had a witch in it! Even though we did t see her, lol.

The writer knows his craft too, as it was formatted well, and there was the good sense of timing which makes a comedy tick.



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jayrex
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This script is fine by me, comedy horror to a point, quite quirky which is what I like.  Too many serious scripts in this world.  The formatting was slightly off in places, some spelling mistakes.  Nothing too distract from the story which above all else is more important.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Anything short is appreciated with 50 something scripts to read so kudos on length. I got a chuckle here and there. Even though a pisser...this is coming from a talented writer. Good job.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Mountain hexes

What is a hexer?

Logline - ok, better than most

On his fifth poodle!
Twig and berries!
Squirrel and nuts

Ok, lots of issues, typos etc and not much of a story, more of a sketch

But I did find it amusing and in parts the dialogue was good. Actually made a pleasant change.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think this is pisser territory, but maybe I'm wrong.  This was pretty funny, so many things I liked about it.  I thought it was a great effort.

Writing needs work, formatting is incorrect as well.  Check the spacing between your slugs.

I thought the dialogue was solid.  Everything flowed and came out honest, and it's the script's strength.

This I miss something that confirms this is a modern witch?  It's kinda vague, but overall I though it was a good read.

Johnny
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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You've got to love a man who names his gun "Ol’ Blasty" Definite signs of a pisser here from the first page.

Check out your software, your margins look wrong - maybe this was written on Word?

"I’m on my fifth poodle already." He could try another breed, or Mexican food is supposed to be quite nice.

Okay, I'm pretty convinced this is a pisser now.

"I look like a Ken doll down There." Ha! Poor Lonnie.

"He takes out his Bic" I guess they do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.

Well, not much to say. I chuckled a few times and felt sorry for poor old Lonnie: Loses his dick, balls, truck and freedom - wasn't his day I guess.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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