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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Catch Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Catch by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Upon returning home to discover his son's lost in video game land, Steve realizes there's only one thing to do. 4 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Hey Steve - I had five spare and came across this, so gave it a read.

Michael doesn't answer, Steve comes closer.

--maybe Steve moves closer?

His shoes offer no help. I see what you're doing, but I don't think it works.

What this lacks is a bit of struggle (conflict), and there needs to be some debate between father & son. Michael says he has no friends and things like that need to be delved into - we need to wonder if Steve can convince his son to take the gamble and do something different - as it stand we go straight to pay-off (reward) without any heels being dug in - someone needs to learn something and someone needs to change, so all that needs to be woven in here or you're just avoiding they key to the story.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Simon,

Thanks for the read, sir. You make valid points here, and if I had wanted to go beyond two pages I would have addressed the lack of conflict to give the payoff more impact. But that wasnt what I was going for here. I kinda saw this as a TV commercial with a message. If you look at it that way I think it might work better. I don't know, but that's what I was going for. Thanks again for your time.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve

The Horror fan in me wanted a dark reveal of where Mum and Daughter had experienced the downside of Michael's gaming obsession

But it's well written and if you are going for Ad with a message then it definitey work... just don't expect Microsoft or Sony to come knocking.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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StevenClark
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for your thoughts! There's always someone in the bunch who wants to see it go dark!
A whole other can of worms. Again, this was something I wrote trying to keep myself sharp. I hope it works on some level.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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Athenian
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

I liked it. Maybe the son should be a little younger (say, 10 years old). A teen boy without friends would need something more than spending time with his father (if that's the message).

Sweet little story, though.

Manolis
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 26th, 2014, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

My imagination is waaaaay too out there. I read the logline and thought this was going to be about the kid being literally lost in the video game, as in some sort of sci-fi thing like Tron.

So at first I was taken aback, but in the end it's a tale with a message for us all.

Personally I really liked the line 'His shoes offer no help.'

Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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StevenClark
Posted: August 27th, 2014, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Manolis,

Appreciate the read. I totally agree wirh you on the age of the boy. Makes sense.

Mark,

Message is what I was going for. I'm not really against gaming -- more involved with the parent's responsibility when warnings signs begin to show... Excess.

I liked the shoe line too. Thanks again.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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irish eyes
Posted: August 27th, 2014, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Hey BUDDY!!!

Nice little piece you've got here and I could see it work for a commercial. I agree with Manolis on the age, but besides that good job.

Although I just think you need to flesh out your characters more

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: August 27th, 2014, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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On another note


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StevenClark
Posted: August 28th, 2014, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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LOL!!! The best part is when the kid goes - "I stepped in dogshit!"

I'm laughing now, but a part of me is thinking this is very disturbing, on both counts. The father and son. Obviously, gaming is this kids life. But... I don't know. To shred those games like that, document it... A little disturbing.

Where do you find this stuff, bro???


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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Bogey
Posted: August 28th, 2014, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve-

Nice message piece, w/a couple suggestions-

If a 14 yr old boy had no friends, wouldn't his father know that and not mention it?

Also, if Michael is an "average kid", IMO it doesn't fit that he has no friends. It might play better if he has some blue spiked hair, an earring, and black attire. Show him as a loner without him having to say it. Could be a very cool image of a boy with that appearance having a catch with his square father.

The backyard "catch" is a solid conclusion, but maybe Steven could get him outside without just the ask (as parents, we both know that it usually takes more). He secretly pulls a breaker switch and the power goes out?

Anyway, enjoyed it.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 28th, 2014, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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This one doesn't cut it for me, mate. Just not enough meat to tickle my fancy. As said by someone above there is very little conflict.

Well written though... no issues there.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 29th, 2014, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Bogey,

That's some good advice right there. The boy with the spiked hair having a catch with his dad. That would certainly add to it, I think. Thanks.

Dustin,

Thanks for the read, as always. I know there's not much meat here. Wasnt really my intention with this one.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 30th, 2014, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

A well written script but I just failed to see the message here. I felt it lacked a little passion, maybe a different approach on the father son relationship?

Lee
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