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ScaryBirthday by Bela Lugosi - Short, Horror - Sam invites Hank to the theater for his birthday, but one should never underestimate a flu. - pdf, format
The title is kind of weird. Sounds like Goosebumps.
THE GOOD: When Hank awakens alone in the deserted theater, that is an inspired scene. And you make good, creative use of the theater setting. You also wrapped things up well. Even though you can kind of see the ending coming, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.
THE BAD: The fight scenes contain far too many specific details for me, and become tedious rather than exciting. It is fine to describe things in a general way to keep things moving along at a good pace. Odd word choices throughout, particularly "longs," used multiple times. You've got spelling errors, too, which I never understand these days.
Pg 1 Transylvania, unless you're making up a new location. Did it "once arrived" or simply "arrived". Is the ship important?
Pg 2 Gives Sam's elbow a KICK? She's very flexible.
Pg 3 The play seems forced, comedic. ..sees Dracula stangING there, staring at him. (The words "with a straight face" are prolix. Omit needless words) his direction -> towards Hank arrives at WHICH door? The word "exit" may work here, if that's your intent.
Pg 4 Sorry, I dunno what a WARDROBE TRANSITION nor a requisite room are. You need a SLUGLINE when he transitions from the transition room to the requisite area/room. And another SLUGLINE when he enters the stairs. The lighting is inconsistent. He cannot see the stage but notices the hall (seats?) are empty and can see the other side of the stage? I'm confused. Wow, then it's unlit. There's a spatial description problem. Though directly above the stage, Dracula descends from the theater hall roof. I get it, but changing a few words would make it more clear and less work for me to visualize. Mixed metaphor: turns around like an arrow? Arrows, by definition, go straight, no? I ain't never seen an arrow make a U-turn. I dunno how one would overexpand an arm. Sorry, another spatial problem. You have Dracula’s hand at Hank's throat and they're facing each other. Is Dracula gonna bite Hank's neck or his own hand? It's important. Okay, perhaps English is not your first language. I'll stop the nit-picking on your phrasing. You spelling of "defenceless" suggest European. You have Hank landing prone on a weapon. At first, I thought he was stabbed. Is the dagger wooden?
= = = = = = = = Okay, ya got me with the dream sequence and flu medication. Well done. Again, some of your phrasing suggests a learned English, so I hope I didn't insult you in any way. Except for a theater-full of people, this is indeed low budget. You followed the rules. One of the better reads. Thanks.
Not really low budget but it was nicely written. It would be hard to get across Dracula looking at one person in the audience. I think you could cut this, as an actor looking out into the audience would seem to be looking directly at lots of people in his line of sight and not seem weird.
It’s a nice touch for him to wake up alone, that would be a tense, atmospheric scene.
The fighting was too specific, I started to skim through the action. I also don’t know if you intended it or not but Dracula’s reactions were so melodramatic they seemed funny. It seems weird that Dracula would make an UNNATURAL GASP from a head-butt for example.
The ending ‘It’s all a dream, but is it?’ – didn’t make sense to me.
-Mark
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I really like the title. Side note: I hate people who go to the theater or cinema and are sick. Its a pet peeve. I didn't hold it against the character though
PROS: Nice setting. I liked that it was in the theater and I think this would be a great short visually with the play within the movie. The first half has a nice flow to it. I liked the ending.
CONS: Dialogue nees a little work. Once he awakens in the dream way too much description and action, very tedious. Not sure if this is low budget.
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) There's a few typos, misused words etc, nothing that an extra polish wouldn't fix 2) The fight seemed a little over long 3) You can't normally kill vampire with daggers, stakes are the preferred weapon of choice 4) kinda could see where it was going
Good bits:- 1) Loved the empty theatre, arresting image 2) Well written and paced
Rules Well it's got a classic monster, is horror, right page length... budget - maybe
"Doing so, he stares right into Hank's eyes with a piercing look." – good image; a lot of stuff like that within your script would work very good on screen
I'd think that Hank says something while Dracula chases him.
It's a good story and I even like the whole "it's all been a dream twist" because it happens in a theater.
I dislike two things – the title is so generic and says nothing about the script, Dracula or the location, which is the heart of the story imo – whereas his birthday is just the unseen motivation to go there. Second: the final twist does not work that way, it's just unexplained and feels non organic. I know that you're trying a second ending and the decision is absolute right, it just seems your final choice wasn't the right one. There must be a better alternative.
Otherwise good action a fair bit of scare
I thought this must be an awesome project for a director of photography
This is a surely a unique and clever take on the theme, and I’m a huge advocate for anything remotely ‘Van Helsing’…
Unfortunately, I found myself scanning more than a few pages. There’s just way too much action going on that could (easily) be broken up with a little dialog. Even subtle reprisals like Dracula trying to gag Hank with his own snot rag… “How do YOU like it?!”
That being said, a play of this magnitude might even rival the audience participation of ‘The Incredible Burt Wonderstone’… or maybe not, but it definitely would be entertaining, like a grand scale dinner theater.
A dream scene at a show is a good idea BUT not this way, IMO. I knew this was a dream. So, why not have the dream whilst the audience is there - like an out of body experience. Scream but they cant hear. Who's losing it now etc can the monster work in a different medium and what does that do??
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Should be a Dracula story. Had surprisingly few of these. Logline doesn't suck me in.
Writing not as active as it could be. Overwriting, underwriting.
Code
HANK
Good idea with the theater, it's
been a while since we watched a
play together.
Unnecessary exposition.
Code
Hanks smiles, Sam smiles back and kisses him softly on the
cheek.
An orphan on your first page that comes from a completely unnecessary line of action. If the action was necessary it wouldn't be worth pointing out. As it isn't, it is.
Code
An old ACTOR with long white hair under a cowboy hat,
wearing a long trenchcoat and heavy boots steps out on the
stage.
Avoid repeating certain words. Like 'long' in this case. Your comma usage is poor.
Code
Another burst of APPLAUSE welcomes him.
You don't need 'welcomes him'.
Code
VAN HELSING
(pretentious)
An evil creature walks abroad and
brings terror and death. From the
tundra of Transilvania it once
arrived here in England with a ship
and it's thirst for blood has been
unappeased ever since. I swear by
god, I, Gabriel Van Helsing will
hunt this demon down even if it's
the last thing I will ever do.
Really bad dialogue.
Code
VAN HELSING walks off and the play begins.
He hasn't been introduced yet. Walks off from where?
Page 4 and I'm out, sorry. Writing is pretty bad here, with many mistakes, making it hard to get through. The story isn't interesting me either, sadly. I know a week is a short time to write something but this feels very, very rushed. Not one for me.
I was with this in the original set-up looking forward to the completion of the story - However, the 3 or 4 pages of detailed action scenes just got tedious - I am sure this will read much better once that all is tightened up/condensed.