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My first read and Iíve made the conscious decision not to refer to the original story the scripts are based on as A Ė I donít have the time and B Ė this may detract from reviewing what youíve written. However, I may change my mind and check them out at some point lol!
Onto the Golden Ball. Congratulations on writing and entering this OWC. This did indeed read very much like a fairy story and you did put plenty of gore to horror it up.
The premise is simple, a bit too straightforward for my tastes but then again a lot of fairy tales are. What detracted me from the story here was how much like reading a short story this was. There was too much in the way of description and a lot of parentheticals telling the actors how to act.
An example is the opening block. You could very easily set the scene far more quickly and effectively by using the scene heading more. Such as:
EXT. BUSTLING MEDIEVAL TOWN SQUARE Ė DAY
This one sentence in the opening slug takes care pretty much of the first action block, leaving you to focus on the visual of the Golden Ball parchment and maybe have it blowing in the wind, leading us nicely to the stocks.
All this is very easy and simply to tide up in the next draft so well done for getting this done and best of luck. I hope my notes help.
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This Script does have some glaring typos. Nothing that cannot be fixed down the line. Overall, the story was interesting and the gore did shock at times. However, sometimes it seem to want to be gory just because it could.
The story wasn't bad, just a few typos to fix.
"Evenly rushes past him" - This for instance, I'm assuming you meant to type Evelyn.
In conclusion, Good story and nice pacing. Certain parts pulled me away, but I thought it was a good effort. Keep it up.
I liked it, but thought it was quite overwritten. And there were some typos that I saw. One, for instance, on page three when Forrester says "Your in God's hands now". I point this out only because it drives me absolutely nuts when people use "your" when they should be using "you're".
But other than that, good job. I think it was a good story and if it's cleaned up, you've got something.
"The entire town square in carpeted with the corpses of all the attendees at the ball. Pools of crimson pepper the ground, as if some type of hellish rain just fell."
Witchcraft, a fatal stab wound to the eye, no less, hanging, impending execution, gallows, a woman in the stocks, hmm...
Warren, are you perhaps confusing horror with scares? Hmm, then there's the difference between gore and horror...
Anyway, I thought this was not bad.
Fairy Tales are typically moralistic and so the actual stories are often quite linear. This one did have a few sutrprises, so good job with that, but the ending still fell flat for me and ultimately not something I would say, wow, that was great, or that it would lead me to any enlightenment.
Just felt kind of pointless that Evelyn will now join the ranks of Sebille & Mrs Hutchins. Mind you Evelyn came across as guilty with her 'you haven't found anything', as opposed to 'I haven't done anything'. I didn't feel much for her.
I'll stop over analysing now.
P.S Happened to see: Should be: You're in God's hands (typo your) 'Kife' should be knife.
I'll stand by my comments and I've said similar things on a lot of the scripts in this OWC. I think people are confusing gore with horror.
I love horror more than any other genre.
Gore and jump scares do not make a good horror. Yes some great horrors are gory but they aren't great because someone lost an eye or 20 people got massacred, there is usually more to it than that. Maybe that's the wording I should have used, good horror. I still thought this was okay though.
Anybody can kill off people is gruesome and bloody ways.
At the end of the day what is horrific to you might not be horrific to me.
Two scripts down and so far two eye gauging's, and an eye stabbing. What's going in people, leave those peepers alone!
Anyway, good work. I've seen some comment about it being over written, but it was just well written for me. There were a couple of tiny typos, but nothing horrendous. Characters are well crafted, the setting is detailed, and the story works.
man, another source story I've never heard of. Whatever happened to Little Bo Peep and Old Mother Hubbard?! I gotta step my nursery rhyme knowledge game up.
First block of set-up action lines could have been cleaned up and shortened. not judging off that, just pointing it out.
i like the "we will hang her" off the crowd's confusion. comes off as comedic in my mind, and i'm not sure it'll fit the overall tone, but i still like stuff like that. it's just more my speed.
You definitely overwrite your action. I find myself eliminating unnecessary words will reading each block. Just for example - and this is a nipick -
She inhales deeply and lets out a blood chilling, wailing SCREAM.
does "wailing" really need to be there? Did that really need to take up an additional line? This is not really a criticism against this script as it is just a note for all scripts. Maybe most aren't as fickle as me, but i try my best to never do that kinda stuff.
ok, back to what actually matters here - the overall story.
I would have preferred you somehow alluded to what was going on rather than have Mrs. Hutchens explain it all. also, he name changes in the following action line.
Don't like the final line. Like what you were going for, but it fell flat.
So far I've read a couple and they have been period pieces. I was kinda hoping for more modern adaptations of these nursery rhymes. While I wasn't familiar with this one at all, it seems like you did a solid job keeping it in the premise.
Overall, this is a decent little ghost story. I bet I'd like it more if the source material resonated with me. Not bad.
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I finished page three now and have no clue what this is about yet. Not a good sign I guess. Hard to follow as it seems to start in the middle of the story. I (personal opinion) don't like the writing at all to be honest. Way too many unnecessary adjectives for me which bloat the action lines up and makes it a harder read.
You use parentheticals where you should use an action line. Actions never belong into parentheticals. This just reads horribly (sorry) - seemingly endless sentences with near-to-nil content. I honestly think at least 50% of the action lines could be removed and not only you wouldn't lose anything, but the read would be much smoother.
Ok, so on page 8 we get to know what's up when Mrs. Hutchins' exposition monologue reveals her past. Probably try to find a better way to get the story across.
Sorry, but I didn't get this one at all. Probably because I don't know the background story, probably because the alignment of scenes doesn't make much sense, I don't know.
So Evelyn's on the town square and Aldred wants her to confess (whatever) or she will be hanged. Next scene she's in the dungeon, chit-chatting with Alrded. Then someone sings and a shadow arrives which kills Aldred. Then she escapes from the dungeon and two women arrive and kill everybody. I mean.. huh?
I thought some of the scene would look quite nice when they are filmed. For example when the shadow appears in the dungeon and 'whooshes' past the cell. It's just I didn't get what the whole story is about and the little too over-empurpled action lines turned me off quite a bit.
It started interesting and grabbed my attention right away. For the first three or four pages I was greatly engaged in the read. However it went unexpected route when you introduced Sibile. She killed for Evelyn. Evelyn did nothing to free herself. She's passive for me. But that's not my biggest grudge. I disliked that other woman that came to kill everyone. She wasn't foreshadowed anywhere in the script. And she says she's there for Evelyn but kills her shortly after - couldn't understand that part at all. Also don't see her motivation here - why to kill everyone? So they decided she was a witch - but why everyone? Including Evelyn who is not aware of the woman's story.
Evelyn's man pays money to have her held in the dungeon. We're they to hang her right away? Alfred asked him if he wants to spare her - but he wants her in a dungeon...
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