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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Cherry Pie - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cherry Pie by Anonymous - Short, Horror - Natchitoches, Louisiana. 1950. A little lost girl gets allured by a strange smell and a mysterious old lady to spend the night in. But when no one's watching, nothing is what it seems to be. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Cherry pie - horror

SPOILERS

A little girl gets lost and stumbles across the mad woman in the swamplands. This in itself is not a bad set up, the vulnerable with the unpredictable.

Only the girl finds that she is a nutter she has killed before and dies etc

To be honest, I found the read hard to get through and not always clear. I was still lost about the back story etc

I think if you go down the child in the wooden cabin route you need a stand out idea to make it shine.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RichardR
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one.  A riff on Hansel and Gretel, enough horror for me.  I was confused by the ending.  Who was the woman eating the pie?  I assumed it was the woman in the photo that she prayed over, but I'm not sure.  In any case, a worthy effort.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...

Sorry, but I'm out on Page 2.  This style the writer is attempting is so hard to follow and impossible to visualize.  I'm sure some will think this is "cool" or the like, but it really goes against everything a Spec Screenplay should be - visual, easy to read, and entertaining.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I think it worked out what was happening here but...?

Not bad and the writer did ok with formatting and stuff - not sure what Jeff was alluring to?

One question - if the water in the bathroom was the same muddy colour as the kitchen why did she fill it in there anyway?  Lol my logistical mind kicking in there


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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I just don't understand why she was angry at Cherry pie and her mother. did her mother kill Irma daughter or have something to do with it? That confused me.

The end was fine but I wished that the woman was Cherry pies mom instead of some random person.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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I quite enjoyed the read, but it was a hard story to buy.

If our little girl lives in a world where her Mother would be involved in the KKK style lynching and burning of a little black girl, I doubt she'd be wandering like she is through this kind of territory, or so comfortable talking to this elderly black lady. You might want to change up the part about strangers, into being a part that deals with race instead.

It just didn't vibe. It might better if the woman at the end was the mother, eating her own daughter. Then we find out why she did it.

Not bad overall, though the subject matter was uncomfortable, to say the least.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  January 29th, 2017, 7:32am
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eldave1
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Some peeps will have issues - but I LOVED the writing style. It fits my eye - it provides pace - it violates technical rules here and there in order to set tone. It is different. So - I am a fan of the style.

Dialogue was perfect.

I don't really get the end of the story.  Going go give it another read to see what I missed. If the mother killed the girl - why visit?  The other problem is that the a author did such a great job establishing the character/empathy of the protag - I just had a hard time with the evil flip.

But again - I love the writing


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, the writing style was kinda throwing me but I stuck it for the story's sake.

To be honest, I kinda knew where the story was going I just didn't make a lot connections.
How did the old crazy woman know her mom?
Who was the other woman at the end?
Did she murder her own child?

Just a tad confusing


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grademan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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The writing style is too bright and bouncy for horror. Felt almost bipolar between the dark nature of the subject matter and the bubbly style. The dialogue was good but expected a little of that Louisiana accent.  
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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It's always a gamble when you try a writing style out on a spec script. All the 'experts' and screenwriting books say you shouldn't. This is normally the style of a writer who's made it passed the gatekeepers and can be quite creative with the rules.

However, I personally liked it. I found it very easy to follow. It was lean and yet it got across look and the atmosphere of the scenes and characters extremely vividly. Just watch out for those orphans, you have loads of them!

As I can see from some of the comments, some didn't quite take to this style - and there lies the risk of trying to stand out from the crowd.

Writing aside, I got lost in the final part once Cherry Pie went a wandering around the house.  I don't know why Granny Nutsloose was doing what she did, despite the attempts at exposition (which felt unnatural), what happened to the little girl, or who the woman was at the end.

Still, it ticked all the boxes of the challenge to me. A decent effort.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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I appreciated the lean writing style, but ultimately found the story a bit confusing.

I liked that you tried to create an empathy between the antagonist and the reader, but the murder seemed so out of place with the character you had created.

Also, the little girl was barely a character at all, more of a prop to advance the story.

All in all, I liked a few elements, but for the most part, this is a miss for me.


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JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Started off very classic and I was immediately thinking that I knew how this would turn out, but then...Hmmm, yeah, I got lost once the candles and chanting started. Voodoo? Why the hard feelings for the mother-pie? I was 'okay' with the writing style, I just needed to focus. Maybe an explanation after this week is over?

Good effort.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a Brit so may be wrong, but isn't the bayou the water bit? So difficult to walk on...

I think this is a little over written, but it does certainly have its own style.

Dialogue and setup drew me in, liked the way it was building...

But then it seems that the scene moves inside (there's tea and milk) but we have no new slug to show this..

And then I got a little lost.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit nonplussed by how many people are struggling with the story here.

It's pretty straightforward.


The little girl and her mother both wear Cherry bracelets.

The little girl's mum is in the paper....because in the past she killed a black girl, that black girl is the elderly lady's.

Out of revenge, she kills the little girl, and her mother when she turns up to find her, and feeds them to her dog.


At the end she's just eating pie with her friend, wearing two cherry bracelets from the white people she's killed.
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