SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 24th, 2019, 9:57pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The scripts of the April/May OWC have been posted


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  1952, Drummer Street - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    1952, Drummer Street - WT  (currently 1100 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
1952, Drummer Street by Wes Cravendale - Short, Horror - After a decade-long absence, a son returns home to discover the maid knows more than she should regarding his parents' misfortunes. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Mr. Blonde  -  March 19th, 2018, 8:19am
Logged
Site Private Message
ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
1039
Posts Per Day
0.22
There are a few unnecessary details in this one, though for the most part this short paints a clear and vivid picture of 1950s suburbia. I don't see the reason for treating Patti Page as a character with dialogue. Didn't detract too much, but it was strange.

The writing's OK in this one, other than a few punctuation nits I noticed. I have little to say on the story. It's basically a vampire tale, slightly elevated by the 50s setting.

  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4416
Posts Per Day
2.56
The writing is very dense at the start. Could be crisper.

The full address in the scene heading got tedious and in many places it would have read crisper with mini-slugs (like when you're in different rooms of the house).

Good effort for the short time


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4873
Posts Per Day
2.32
Code

Burning incense sticks stuck into holes in the woodwork
and door frames drop ash to the filthy floor.



Missing comma after 'frames'.

OK... Good. A new take on the vampire genre. Well told, I could see everything clearly and it has a fresh twist.

Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1250
Posts Per Day
0.84
I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I thought it was way too over writtenly descriptive.  

And it kinda took forever to get to the good part.  

This didn't really work for me.
Sorry
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
1039
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from DanC
I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.


I really wish the challenge parameters were stated in each thread. I didn't even realize that.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
696
Posts Per Day
0.64
I'd consider reigning in the descriptions at the start. Once we get into the house, you do a nice job building up a creepy atmosphere. Overall, a solid effort and has a unique little spin to it.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
633
Posts Per Day
0.64
This was just okay for me. A bit overwritten and clunky action bits. Big on details that really didn't add to the story. Mood and era setting perhaps? Overall, it just really didn't grab me.

Good job getting this done in the 48 and submitted.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1993
Posts Per Day
1.89
That was a long five pages. Itís really over written but the story worked for me.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
2822
Posts Per Day
1.42
A little over written in places and I got no sense that it was a haunted house, they're positioned as vampires...

Not a bad story though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29
Even though the writing was good, the action made this a bit of a slow read, but overall I enjoyed it! I knew Willamina had something up her sleeve the moment Max said:

"You havenít changed a bit. You
look exactly the same. I mean,
exactly. Thatís amazing."

I thought it was gonna be like The Skeleton Key or something but this proved to be more interesting than a bunch of hocus pocus (though I do like the movie).

The dialogue was good too.

Gruesome stuff. Good job.


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 5:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1250
Posts Per Day
0.36
Agree with what's been said before. A bit overwritten, however I didn't mind. Well, maybe just the part about the door hinges. But it's great writing so you really can't quibble. And yes, it's not really a haunted house, but it sure is a house of horrors.

I guess Patti Page on the radio was necessary to stamp it as 1952. As was the Chevy. (If the song truly came out in '52, then it's been 70 years, and I forget the copyright rules on music, but it might be in public domain and thus can be used for free?)  Doesn't really belong at the beginning of the slug though, for a moment I thought that was the address of Drummer Street. Should be at the end of it with a dash.

And I think Willamina should have been older than 35 if the writer was going for 'you haven't changed.' Lots of women do not change from age 24 to 35 and it has nothing to do with drinking blood.

And I think the overdone narrative takes away from the plot, as in, there is no plot. We have horror, i.e, these people drink blood, but we don't know WHY. Why is the power out? What catastrophe has befallen this era and these people?

Tough one for me because it's so well written and atmospheric, yet there aren't answers to the why's.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3046
Posts Per Day
0.80
Funny this one. Very well written with a great concept. But the detail in the action lines sorta cramps it up and its hard not to skim to the dialogue. had a real creepy feel so it was good


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
jayrex
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1313
Posts Per Day
0.29
It's quite wordy.  You have the makings of a good story, there's potential there.  It just feels like a slow read.

I feel this one meets the topic requirements.

For two days worth, it's good.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
khamanna
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3058
Posts Per Day
0.87
Very nice intense build here.

You pulled me into the story, gave me interesting characters to watch and root for and ended in gut-wrenching resolution.

Great work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006