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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  1952, Drummer Street - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    1952, Drummer Street - WT  (currently 859 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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1952, Drummer Street by Wes Cravendale - Short, Horror - After a decade-long absence, a son returns home to discover the maid knows more than she should regarding his parents' misfortunes. - pdf, format

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Mr. Blonde  -  March 19th, 2018, 8:19am
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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There are a few unnecessary details in this one, though for the most part this short paints a clear and vivid picture of 1950s suburbia. I don't see the reason for treating Patti Page as a character with dialogue. Didn't detract too much, but it was strange.

The writing's OK in this one, other than a few punctuation nits I noticed. I have little to say on the story. It's basically a vampire tale, slightly elevated by the 50s setting.

  
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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The writing is very dense at the start. Could be crisper.

The full address in the scene heading got tedious and in many places it would have read crisper with mini-slugs (like when you're in different rooms of the house).

Good effort for the short time


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

Burning incense sticks stuck into holes in the woodwork
and door frames drop ash to the filthy floor.



Missing comma after 'frames'.

OK... Good. A new take on the vampire genre. Well told, I could see everything clearly and it has a fresh twist.

Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4
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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I thought it was way too over writtenly descriptive.  

And it kinda took forever to get to the good part.  

This didn't really work for me.
Sorry
Dan


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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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ReaperCreeper
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Quoted from DanC
I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.


I really wish the challenge parameters were stated in each thread. I didn't even realize that.
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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I'd consider reigning in the descriptions at the start. Once we get into the house, you do a nice job building up a creepy atmosphere. Overall, a solid effort and has a unique little spin to it.


That rug really tied the room together.
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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was just okay for me. A bit overwritten and clunky action bits. Big on details that really didn't add to the story. Mood and era setting perhaps? Overall, it just really didn't grab me.

Good job getting this done in the 48 and submitted.
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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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That was a long five pages. Itís really over written but the story worked for me.


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AnthonyCawood
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A little over written in places and I got no sense that it was a haunted house, they're positioned as vampires...

Not a bad story though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Even though the writing was good, the action made this a bit of a slow read, but overall I enjoyed it! I knew Willamina had something up her sleeve the moment Max said:

"You havenít changed a bit. You
look exactly the same. I mean,
exactly. Thatís amazing."

I thought it was gonna be like The Skeleton Key or something but this proved to be more interesting than a bunch of hocus pocus (though I do like the movie).

The dialogue was good too.

Gruesome stuff. Good job.


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ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Agree with what's been said before. A bit overwritten, however I didn't mind. Well, maybe just the part about the door hinges. But it's great writing so you really can't quibble. And yes, it's not really a haunted house, but it sure is a house of horrors.

I guess Patti Page on the radio was necessary to stamp it as 1952. As was the Chevy. (If the song truly came out in '52, then it's been 70 years, and I forget the copyright rules on music, but it might be in public domain and thus can be used for free?)  Doesn't really belong at the beginning of the slug though, for a moment I thought that was the address of Drummer Street. Should be at the end of it with a dash.

And I think Willamina should have been older than 35 if the writer was going for 'you haven't changed.' Lots of women do not change from age 24 to 35 and it has nothing to do with drinking blood.

And I think the overdone narrative takes away from the plot, as in, there is no plot. We have horror, i.e, these people drink blood, but we don't know WHY. Why is the power out? What catastrophe has befallen this era and these people?

Tough one for me because it's so well written and atmospheric, yet there aren't answers to the why's.


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stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Funny this one. Very well written with a great concept. But the detail in the action lines sorta cramps it up and its hard not to skim to the dialogue. had a real creepy feel so it was good


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jayrex
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's quite wordy.  You have the makings of a good story, there's potential there.  It just feels like a slow read.

I feel this one meets the topic requirements.

For two days worth, it's good.


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khamanna
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice intense build here.

You pulled me into the story, gave me interesting characters to watch and root for and ended in gut-wrenching resolution.

Great work.
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