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Trying to figure out how to write a scene where two characters are hiding behind a couch, whilst two other characters are being interrogated. Would really appreciate feedback as I'm nearing the end of Act 1 (I'm 22 pages deep on my first draft) and want to ensure I am writing better going forward. How would I do this? So far I've got something like:
INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY DAVIS (45) clutches NINA (10) close. She struggles in frustration but her father puts a finger to his lips. We hear the sound of footsteps pounding against the carpet.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY The living room is neat. Sat in between the two couches is a table. On the side dresser, a bible. Three figures sit on the couch. Two on the left and one the right. A calendar hangs on the wall. MILGRAM, a man in his fifties, takes off his hazmat helmet and places his helmet on the table. At his side, a small pistol. He smiles at VIVIAN (30) and JAMAL (10) sat opposite on a couch.
INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY Nina stops struggling and stretches out a pinky with a mischievous grin.
DAVIS Stop! Nina closes her fist, staring guiltily. Jamal's eyes widen as he notices the calendar unhook itself and float.
Furthermore, I've been struggling with writing in a more concise manner in particular, how can I shorten my description of rooms - for instance, in one scene, my main character is working at a receptionist desk of an underground facility and has to take an elevator down after being held at gunpoint:
Here's how I described the setting but I feel like its too wordy/awkward? :
We see a Tyson sat at an empty desk save for a pencil and paper. He glances around - no one else is present save for a CLEANER in hazmat suit spraying down a nearby window. The reception area has an unnatural level of cleanliness and plainness. There are two elevators on either side of the reception area.
Tyson sketches a noughts and crosses grid and tries to stave off his boredom.
Suddenly, the elevator doors open, Milgram and Leon stride out, dressed for another hunt. Milgram walks to the other elevator without skipping a beat barging past the cleaner. Leon slows down his pace as he walks through the reception and waves.
The later scene: Roxanne drags Tyson along to the elevator. INT. THE WELL - ELEVATOR - DAY Awkward elevator music. Tyson and Roxanne are stood awkwardly. Tyson looks down and Roxanne smirks confidently.
I'll take a whack at this but I need a little more information for clarity.
I am assuming that there are two couches that face each other. Behind one couch, are two hiding characters. Tell me if I'm wrong.
There are three figures on a couch. I am assuming these are people and it's the same couch Davis and Nina hide behind. Vivian and Jamal sit at one end of the couch. I'm not sure if Milgram is sitting on the opposite couch or is the third figure sitting on the same couch. If he is not on the same couch, I need a third name.
I would suggest that Vivian and Jamal sit on one of the couches, location unimportant. I would have Milgram enter the room, take off his helmet and take a seat on the opposite couch. This is based on your description that an interrogation is about to take place. This makes the setting more confrontational. Putting them on the same couch makes it more territorial.
If you are okay with this, I will come up with a suggestion and post it here.
You’re not going to get better advice than ^this^. I am a huge fan of Mr. Lambertson for a reason. However, I thought I would post what I did anyway, since I already did it. At the very least, it will allow you to compare the work of a professional to well, what I do.
The first thing you will notice is that I ditched the extra slug line for the area behind the couch. After a little thought, I felt it was unnecessary because they were all in the same room. I understand why you and David did it; to keep the two areas of activity separated. I looked at that as a pseudo camera direction. I know that Davis and Nina are hiding and that they don’t want their presence known. The director knows that too. The camera can be set up behind the couch for some shots. Also, it can be set up at the edge of the couch to show the living room conversation and Nina and her father’s reactions simultaneously. The director can put the camera on the ceiling looking down. The bottom line: I tend to over think things.
Also, I pictured the room setup differently. I thought the couches faced each other for conversation. It never occurred to me that they could be side-by-side, facing a common object like a fireplace or a television screen.
Also, we break up our action differently. I’m not yet sold on the “one line at a time” style. I have problems with page counts. I’ll figure it out eventually.
You’re not going to get better advice than ^this^. I am a huge fan of Mr. Lambertson for a reason. However, I thought I would post what I did anyway, since I already did it. At the very least, it will allow you to compare the work of a professional to well, what I do.
The first thing you will notice is that I ditched the extra slug line for the area behind the couch. After a little thought, I felt it was unnecessary because they were all in the same room. I understand why you and David did it; to keep the two areas of activity separated. I looked at that as a pseudo camera direction. I know that Davis and Nina are hiding and that they don’t want their presence known. The director knows that too. The camera can be set up behind the couch for some shots. Also, it can be set up at the edge of the couch to show the living room conversation and Nina and her father’s reactions simultaneously. The director can put the camera on the ceiling looking down. The bottom line: I tend to over think things.
Also, I pictured the room setup differently. I thought the couches faced each other for conversation. It never occurred to me that they could be side-by-side, facing a common object like a fireplace or a television screen.
Also, we break up our action differently. I’m not yet sold on the “one line at a time” style. I have problems with page counts. I’ll figure it out eventually.
Anyway, good luck.
Thanks for the compliment
Your approach would be good, IMO - it's clear which to me is the first benchamark to hit.
You’re not going to get better advice than ^this^. I am a huge fan of Mr. Lambertson for a reason. However, I thought I would post what I did anyway, since I already did it. At the very least, it will allow you to compare the work of a professional to well, what I do.
The first thing you will notice is that I ditched the extra slug line for the area behind the couch. After a little thought, I felt it was unnecessary because they were all in the same room. I understand why you and David did it; to keep the two areas of activity separated. I looked at that as a pseudo camera direction. I know that Davis and Nina are hiding and that they don’t want their presence known. The director knows that too. The camera can be set up behind the couch for some shots. Also, it can be set up at the edge of the couch to show the living room conversation and Nina and her father’s reactions simultaneously. The director can put the camera on the ceiling looking down. The bottom line: I tend to over think things.
Also, I pictured the room setup differently. I thought the couches faced each other for conversation. It never occurred to me that they could be side-by-side, facing a common object like a fireplace or a television screen.
Also, we break up our action differently. I’m not yet sold on the “one line at a time” style. I have problems with page counts. I’ll figure it out eventually.
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Awkward Action Line help needed
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