Angels on a Bullet by Jordan Mounteer - Short, Drama - A redemption company situated in the hearth of darkness.  Where the sins of humanity are brandished, those seeking divine salvation shall find it through the recollection of their worst experiences, their most vivid sins. - rtf format.

i've had comments about making this into a television series of some sort...if i can work out the plot details to make it substantially unique, and not repetitive.  just wondering if anyone has any comments regarding that...

I really liked this script.  I thought it was very unique.  I think that you can even make it into a full screenplay if you wanted to by going into maybe the cops want to find Eugene before he goes to Angels on a Bullet.  I don't know but this was pretty good.

I found it a tad weird, if you dont mind me saying. You wrote their ages as 17 (both of them), that throws the movie into the absurd. I just cant picture two 17 year olds having such a discussion, or problems for that matter.

I think you should work this out better, throw more stuff in, like how it happened (show us) or lengthen the story. If this is just it, it's a good write, but nothing special.

You got some really good ideas there, which I think would be more appropriate in a more lenghty movie.

ah yes, i thought i changed that.  see i wanted to do this with some friends when it was a little more revised, hence the ages.  whoops!

and yeah, thanks for bringing that up hypnos..about showing what happened.  i could put in some flashbacks that tell his story over a voice-over.  again, i apologize for that inconvenience, as well as the size of the script.

i was trying to make it accessible and manageable for someone who maybe wanted to film a short unique script (including myself).

I can understand that you tried to keep it low budget. But the visuals should play a huge part too. What you got hear, could just aswell be a radio show with all the dialogue.

When Eugene starts talking, go back in time. Show us what happened. I think that's the best approach here. I dont think a voice over would change that much. Dont go voice over, rather just visualise it and go into the scene.

Perhaps make a small budget script and a lengthy big budget script. One to make yourself and one to sell.

You could have Eugene going to the Angels on a Bullet house, he reads the card and such. Tries to get the blood of his shirt with some of his saliva. That makes the reader question what is to come, more interested. At least, that's my idea on it.

Lot's of potential and well written, you just need to grow this thing.

excellent...thanks again.  i'll adapt some of your ideas and see where it goes

Alright, I'm glad I could be of some help.

Do you have other works at this site?

well...yes...however the only other one worth mentioning is The Zara Transfer.  a pretty long action screenplay...however if you want to read it, go for it.  i think you'll be sadly disappointed
haha

there's also Primality, but i got some bad wrap about that one too.  understandably.

if you want to hold on, i'll be bringing out PARADISE...which will subsequently be my best script yet (hopefully) and put my others to shame.



p.s. TO ALL!!  i have several short screenplays under my belt that i did for the mere satisfaction of showing how bad screenplays can be....so please, don't base my talent on those ones.  SMALLVILLE: PHOENIX, THE ZARA TRANSFER, and PRIMALITY are the only ones worth reading.  i still have to get rid of those incriminating pieces of sh**.

I pictured AoaB taking place in some sort of mortuary so they can get rid of the bodies easily.  Just a thought...

well thats the cool part....they're a redemption company and this is a surreal script, so it's sweet that they can afford to blow bloody brains across the baseboards.

just wanted to keep the alliteration....but yah, thanks for the thought.

I think u should leave this script just as it is. What makes it so good and so unique is that you DON'T show us what happened, or why he did what he did. There was no detail there, and I thought it gave this screenplay a very mysterious almost menacing feeling that really compliments all the snappy dialogue that is kinda hard to follow in some places. I didn't like the fact that Robert was seventeen, the Eugene character kinda felt like a teenager, maybe a little older, but I would have pictured Robert somewhere in his mid to late- forties.

The idea is interesting and all those references to angels and paradoxes and such I thought was really cool. This is A+ material!

ah..well thank you....thats quite the compliment.

yeah the age thing seems to throw people off a lot...i'll fix that

thnx!

no worries, m8!

On the positive side I would say it is an intriguing idea.  Lots of potential as either a full fledge movie or short film.

On the other side of things I would say take what you have, pick one of those directions(or both) or rewrite.   Even for a short film, that dialogue has to be rewritten.  I have a short attention span and I think most people that read scripts do also, the monologue that they both have are too long.

That one guy doesn’t want to talk about that thing and then just spills his guts.  I just skimmed it and then started skimming the rest of the script.  Not a good thing.  Have them going back and forth, Robert “interrogating” Eugene.  Robert doesn’t need to just come out and say everything either.

Just my two cents, but I really love the idea.