Zest by Ben Padgett (bigwhoop) - Short, Drama - A man deals with the suicide of his wife. (rewrite of Carnation Street) 9 pages  - doc, format

Even though the dialouge was not the best, i will still give this a shot to read. (No spoilers within)

In your written descriptions you tell the description of something and then say 'I mean he was..." I don't think it would be a good idea to use that type of thing. Just take that out and replace it with 'He was...' It would work much better.

Another thing about your written descriptions is you have many errors in it. These errors range from spelling to missing words. An idea for you to fix this is to maybe read it over before you submit it and correct many as you can. It's what i always do to catch the errors that Word(or whatever you use) misses.

Now to the characters, I'm sure someone else will review this and say the same thing. They just were not that good. Even though this is short (10 pages) you should at least explain the characters more. Make them more useful. Don't just throw them in for your story. Explore them a little.

The dialouge is also not that good. Say the dialouge to yourself when you write it. See if it sounds right.

Even though there are bad things (that you can fix, it is possible) there are some good things. You description first pulled me in your story so i read it. I was not totally disappointed but the best part of your story was the ending. There is no story without it and i think this was the best part of it.

I hope you find this review helpful for when you write your next script. Keep trying, you will get better and better.

thanks for the comments, what part of the ending idid you like, caus eim confused!

spoilers.














Henry's condition.

psychosis?

I think this concept has potential but the execution isn't quite there yet.

Your formatting is off, use Courier font, don't center your sluglines, center your dialogue etc.

My main problem with this is believability. The police wouldn't leave a kid in the custody of a man who was suspected of killing his mother. They say that it's obvious she stabbed herself but this simply isn't true.

The dialogue is a little stiff at times. The scene where the police interview Henry just doesn't ring true and ends very abruptly. You could remove the "You may go now" line and move on to the next scene.

I like what you did with the blood on the walls and Henry seeing a vision of Cody's disfigured body. You can remove the camera directions from your description here to make it a smoother read.

Having Judy read aloud from his file felt like an easy way out. You could have achieved this in dialogue with another officer. People very rarely read stuff out loud to themselves.

Overall, it's not a bad concept but it could use some work. I'd suggest trying to show more of Henry's condition rather than have people explain it to us.

thanks der speieelr. I wanted to take out rthe camera direction, but i like PoV shots. I reckon they make it alot more creepy.

The slugline is good, the concept is interesting, but the execution isn't up to par.  You need to explain your characters more.  Officer Judy was just thrown in there, she barely had a purpose.  Give them depth, that way the reader will appreciate them more.  Going back to execution, I was confused.  Cody's finger was cut and you see him writing on the walls..but then something else did it? See, I had no idea what was going on there.  And like Martin said, the cops wouldn't leave a child with a man who's suspected of killing his wife.  So work on those things and rewrite this and you could have a pretty good story.

This script has been updated. Read it again , i considered all the things you said and rewrite it.

Ben,

I just finished reading this, and in an effort to give comments that may be a little more insightful, I have started to take notes as I read, so I can post my suggestions and questions.









SPOILERS

First off, the :'s are unnecessary after the character names.

Some of your descriptions are missing or have added words, but this is something that can easily be taken care of in future reworks.

Judy hangs up the phone twice in a description

Based on the fact that the next scene is Henry waking up quickly, I'm assuming that the scene where he stabs Jena in the bed is a dream.  If so, it should be identified as such.  Also, we know this is in Henry's P.O.V. because of your description, but how would someone watching it know?  Perhaps add in a line where Jena wakes up and says "Henry", or something along those lines.  You get the drift.

Jena should be sliced with the razor, as I think it would be difficult to stab somebody with one, even a straight razor.

Why does the cut on Henry's neck grow bigger and bigger?

What does the carnation represent?  Why the axe?

These are just some questions I asked myself as I read this, maybe I missed something, but hopefully some of them help you out if you decide to rewrite.  I would also suggest trying to work on the dialogue a little as it seemed to  be lacking throughout.

Overall, I think you have a good story, just keep working on it until you have a great one.

Mike

The carnation represent Henry. Hes a complete psycho, so theres the axe. And the cut bleed profusely because he slit his neck; but ofcourse he's crazy so he sees it as a natural matter; likehe didn't do it (hence the cut).

I just finished this I have to say this is a good storyline, but, as everyone else said, there were some mistakes and the dialogue was kind of weak.

But overall, good script. Unless I missed something, why did Cody have a radio in his pocket?

Good luck on future scripts!

Sean

There's a rewrite up, which drastically changes the plot and format (in a good way)

That has a weird ending ... or normal.  I'm not sure.  I don't typically read this sort of script.

So Cody's mother died, and Henry killed her ... and then Henry kills himself and Cody, and they still haunt the place?  I'm not sure, but I think that's what hapenned.  Why's it called Zest?  

I'm slightly confused by this, but I think that's why like it.  

Gave this one an updated read.  Overall it wasn't bad at all, but the ending confused me.

*Rather than "CAMERA TURNS" just say Henry turns.
*"Extremely DEAD" haha.  There's only one kind of dead, dude.  No need to beef it up.
*You don't need the AFTERNOON.  It's DAY.  Avoid using anything other than day/night unless you absolutely have to and in this I'm not seeing a reason for it.
*What's the deal with the bathroom? Kind of random

Again, the ending was weird.  Was it all an illusion or something? Cause Henry wasn't there anymore.  Maybe Cody thought it all up?  I don't know.  Your writing has improved tremendously though.  The story is okay, could be better, but your formatting, descriptions, even some of the dialogue is vastly better from last year.

So keep it up