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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Animal Magnetism Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2005, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Animal Magnetism by Robert Glenn Newcomer (bert) - Short, Gothic Horror - They say that dogs are manís best friend.  But what do they know? Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - doc, format


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Don  -  October 26th, 2005, 1:16pm
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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2005, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This was a breeze to read.  Perfectly formatted, great descriptive writing, so I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this.

SPOILERS

A few things.  No ghosts but it's still a solid piece of writing and builds up that feeling of intensity with how Sam's character is developed.  He's perfectly molded into that trailer trash reject.  One thing that you may have wanted to include was why he was such a creep.  We can assume that maybe something happened with the finances after 1990, or he has a gambling problem, or something.

I thought the ending was kind of funny in how he turned around and Jenny's picture was on his back.  That was a pretty clever way to get rid of him, but one other thing I felt iffy on was that Jenny said she wanted him to change and obviously wanted to fix things, so was her intent on having him killed?  Or maybe she didn't know he would be killed, just bitten up a bit...I don't know.

Overall, great writing, interesting story, good job!


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Heretic
Posted: October 22nd, 2005, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Great!  

Nice, simple, satisfying.  

Sam was a really repulsive guy, and the fact that he was built so realistically in the script made the end all the more satisfying.

First time I've seen the word 'scrotum' in the description of a script, as far as I can recall.    


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Martin
Posted: October 23rd, 2005, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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A great little story. I'm sure I know who wrote this.

The characters are well drawn, very efficient build up. No wasted words. Every detail is paid off in the end, the jacket, the pillow etc. Clever writing.

The descriptions are vivid and draw you right into the story.

The ending is truly satisfying, a great payoff.

My only criticism is that it's not really Gothic Horror. I know it's a fairly broad definition but you wouldnt read this and immediately think gothic.

Aside from that, I really liked it.
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bert
Posted: October 26th, 2005, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Well, after spending the week languishing at the bottom of the pile, I can finally thank my handful of readers now that the cat is out of the bag.  I thought the logline was pretty cool at the time, but now I think it's kind of crappy.

Excellent point, Greg.  There does need to be a scene where she "turns".  It seems obvious now, and is a fundamental flaw in this story.  I might go back and fix that at some point.

And sure, this is gothic.  You don't need moss-covered castles for that.  You've got violence, grotesque characters, and a little morality tossed in.  It qualifies.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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dogglebe
Posted: October 26th, 2005, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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I had a hunch this was Bert's, but only because he mentioned the dog tracks and 'south south' earlier.

The story worked well and it was very well written.  Formatting was good as was characterization.  I thought that Sam was a little over the top, but that was cool.  The story reminds me of the old House of Mystery stories (I'm dating myself, here).

I thought that your actioin descriptions were a little off.  You tend to describe things in ways that can't be shown on the screen.  ie:  You mention on page four that 'most dresses are too big for Jenny.'  On page seven, you wrote, "The intervening years have been kind, and she's changed very little."  You're better off writing that Jenny is gaunt and that her appearance hasn't changed much.

The ending was good.  As I said earlier, very House of Mystery.


Phil
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Martin
Posted: October 27th, 2005, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Bert, I spotted this one as yours right away and I was surprised it didn't get more reads. I was just nit-picking with the gothic comment. I guess I was expecting something a little more supernatural based on your other scripts on here.

I'm gonna agree to disagree with Phil on your descriptions. I think both examples cited evoke an image. You have to know the rules before you break 'em and you obviously know the rules. It's this kind of thing that sets your work apart. I remember a similar discussion on your 'Someplace...' script. My advice, keep it.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 27th, 2005, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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First off, something that doesnít have anything to do with your script: you have a great real name. It has a very sort of dignified ring to it. I like it.

About the script: to be honest, Iím not quite sure what to think of it. Thatís not a bad thing.

Sam is completely unlikable without a single redeeming quality. That actually helps by making it difficult to feel pity for him at his fate.

Jenny (poor Jenny) put up with more than I would have. I would have left at the first slap. But then, she got her revenge. Iím a little confused however as to how she got the cages open without getting mauled. But, who cares? It wasnít the sort of story you analyze. It was more the sort that you just go along with for the ride.

It didnít scare me. Thatís not bad either.

Sorry you were one of the last ones I read. Iím afraid that was because of the title. It didnít really stimulate me, being a phrase so often heard.

It was fun. Description is good. It was odd. Thatís good. Original. Good. Diction is good. Overall, it was very enjoyable.


Brea


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bert
Posted: October 28th, 2005, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
...very House of Mystery.


"House of Mystery"? †No way, man. †I'll take "Vault of Horror" any day †

(How many people will even "get" these references....six, maybe?  The joke here is that these titles -- and about a half-dozen more -- are virtually identical.)

Anyways, thanks for that, Phil. †And thanks for the support on the descriptions, D.S. †It is hard to know where to draw the line on this sometimes. †Is it too much? †Is it too little? †Frankly, D.S. and Phil are both absolutely correct, because every reader will be different, and it just comes down to personal preferences, I think. †All we can do is trust our own instincts as we compose our stories, you know?

And thanks to Breanne, too. †It is cool to see a non-participant dipping into these stories. †How did Jenny open the cages? †Crap. †Never thought of that. †She's a bright girl, though, and I guess she thought of something...

Your own stuff sounds great, Bre, by the way. †I keeping looking for some time to dip into something with some real heft to it, but haven't found any just yet. †I'll keep looking.






Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert!

Wanted to stop by and give this a read. I liked this one. It was very satisfying. I liked the way you made Sam so convincingly despicable and Jenny very sympathetic. Yay for the dogs getting their sweet revenge at the end!!!!

I noted that you had been rather wordy with your description in this short. I myself do this too, without realising it, though I got the impression it was done here to add more overall, than perhaps was necessary. I agree with Phil on the particular areas which could have been more concise - see his comments above, as those were my ones too.

I felt so bad for those dogs! I really liked your twist with the jacket and the patch with Jenny on it. Genius!! Well done, didn't see that coming at all.

The only thing that I had hoped to see was Jenny with tin-snips in her hands... ready to snip away at him, but that would have had to exclude the dogs so they wouldn't have savaged her!!! But I'm sick like that  

Good job on this and I liked your take on the challenge for this round of the competition.

Thumbs up  

Andy x
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bert
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Ahr...glad ye be likin' it, me fair wench.

But aye...the wordy descriptions....tis a folly that will likely haunt me til I wind up in Davy Jones Locker!

T'aint a perfect story, I know, but yer kind words warmed me black heart.  A friendly post from a wee bonnie lass such as yerself never fails to shiver me timbers!


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Stop talking like that. I like it too much  

Captain Andy
xxx

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tomson
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Bert,

I"m moving down the lists of shorts and I stumbled across this.

I don't know when you wrote this, but your writing is at least x10 better now, probably more.

I have to be brutally honest with you, but I didn't like this story, even though the bad guy got what he deserved in the end.

Possible spoilers ahead:

We adopted a Greyhound 15 years ago, they are the best dogs! She was a track reject so I really do feel something here with your story. I also know that most workers at greyhound farms are migrants. Bikers (the ones I've known) are seldom working in an animal business.

Greyhounds are also known for their kind and gentle temperaments and I find it hard to picture them attacking anyone.

Lastly, all I can say is, I'm glad Sam died.

TomSon  
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bert
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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What an interesting past you seem to have, Tomson.  Each new post from you reveals another layer -- enigmatic -- like an onion, you know?

This is another one that was written in less than a week -- like the "Western" thing we did a little while ago -- the theme was "gothic horror at a dog run" -- and yeah -- this one has its problems.  Sometimes I don't even put this one in my sig at all.

I have to confess a complete ignorance of Greyhound farms -- and Greyhounds -- aside from a little betting -- and I guess it shows, huh?

I may return to fix this one at some point -- but credibility problems are the toughest to fix -- so thanks for letting me know up front that this one will require a bit more research on my part.  Really.  That helps alot  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 23rd, 2006, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  I hated Sam though, I really did, I'm glad it ended the way it did cause I truly dislike people who treat animals like that, especially dogs >

"Sam is passed out on the couch.  Wait.  Signs of life.  He scratches his scrotum."  That made me laugh.  good description there.


I liked how he got his upcomings, that was very neat, the picture of Jenny on the back...HA

anyways, this was a good read.


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