SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 18th, 2019, 11:49am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
Final Standings

Round Five (5) Standings Posted




Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  20 Questions - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    20 Questions - OWC  (currently 4144 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13134
Posts Per Day
1.95
20 Questions by Glenn Doyle - Short - A young, mute boy receives nothing he wished for on Christmas Day, but after he receives a mysterious game of 20 Questions, his family decide to play. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:40pm
Logged
Site Private Message
irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1672
Posts Per Day
0.49
Wow rough family. I guess they're gonna get it... hopefully

Did Krampus just enter the room?

Pretty good story and used the game well.

I thought Thomas would have said something at the very end.

Good entry


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 29
Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
WA, USA
Posts
132
Posts Per Day
0.10
This strangely reminded me of Harry Potter. The family is like the Dursleys, and Thomas has magical powers that be doesn't realize.

I thought that the story was set up very well, and it kept my focus the whole time.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1855
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Not a bad effort here. This was written pretty well, but once the fun started you knew exactly where this was going to end up. Actually, you did a great job of making me absolutely hate Rick, Kyle and Barb to the point I was gonna put this down. I just thought their behavior to be so atrocious. Anyway, a decent story that just lacked punch.

Overall, not too shabby.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 29
DaveTroop
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
at my desk
Posts
131
Posts Per Day
0.05
A strong entry.

By the middle of the script, I truly hated Rick, Barb, and Kyle.
Thomas was very sympathetic.
As the rules go, people this wicked usually get theirs, and people like Thomas hand it to them.

Liked the scary, skinny Santa.

The only bad thing was, for as how unpredictable the first half of the script was, once they began to play the game, you could guess the rest.
Not that you didn't want it to happen, but it was a little bit of a let down.

You need something at the very end to surprise us again.

Still, very strong writing.  Like this one a lot.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 29
Lightfoot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
335
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hunter - I was thinking the same thing when I realized just how horrible Thomas was being treated.

I knew after you've introduced that creepy, evil Santa the ending was going to get good, can't help but feel you let back a bit though, but I guess they were presents for Thomas so they can't be too horrible.

Very enjoyable though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 29
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1390
Posts Per Day
0.43
Well written, somewhat interesting. I wasn't really into the dark Santa bit (I totally despise ":red glowing eyes") and I'm glad the 20 questions card game was short and sweet, I don't know if I would had the patience if it was played to its full potential. However, Christmas is a great time for board and card games as they could have been a newly opened gift, so I'm good with that.

Technical-wise, there isn't much difference between "continuous' and 'moments later'.

Overall, good entry, minus Dark Santa.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 6 - 29
cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:08am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
134
Posts Per Day
0.10
Very engaging story, really makes the reader hate the family except the protagonist.

As stated before it was kinda obvious how this was going to conclude, but kept me interested through to the end. Well written.

Good job


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 29
LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:38am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3553
Posts Per Day
0.90
Ooh, another horrible family.
I like the choice of 20 questions.

'Like Uncontrollable vomit' - very novel but weird description. Unlike this one which was great: She flashes him an ice cold stare. And, it sums up the character of Barb (apt name too) perfectly.

Hooray, 'they' all got their comeuppance.

I'm not sure if this one does it for me, but not bad all the same.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 29
Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:00am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
Australia
Posts
427
Posts Per Day
0.11
Solid story, well written and great job on making the antagonists really unlikable.

I wondered why the family were so mean to him and if he really was a mute or he just chose not to speak. I guess either he could talk all along or something in the game gave him the power to speak all of a sudden.

Overall I thought this was a strong entry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 29
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3013
Posts Per Day
1.45
A thought or three

Wow, great parents!

Lots to like in this and well written just the odd typo or two.

Think the game element is okay but a little secondary but extra marks for getting two games in.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 29
pale yellow
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2133
Posts Per Day
0.76
Another bad family going on here.

I thought the game was supposed to be one we've all heard of before? Not sure about the 20 questions thing.

I was a bit confused at first with the kid not being able to talk...

Glad they got it in the end. Could kind of see the end coming.

Good job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 29
DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1246
Posts Per Day
0.79
I hated most of the story.   I can't imagine a family being like that...

SPOILERS

As someone who's been abused, I found this VERY VERY hard to read....

Almost didn't make it to the end.

Good payoff.

But, the family was over the top evil...

The kid would be very shy and not act like that sadly...

And how's the kid supposed to live now??

And the game, while it was vital, wasn't logically arrived at...

6/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 29
RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
922
Posts Per Day
0.53
Some notes.
The opening doesn’t work for me.  Cruelty for cruelty’s sake is off-putting.  Now, if they’re cruel while claiming to be kind, I’ll go for that.
More gratuitous cruelty.  Unneeded.
The santa scene seems overlong and perhaps too detailed.  Could it be made to look like his dream?
More unnecessary snubbing.  We know they treat him poorly.
And we get to the game.  It works for me.  Thomas gets what he wants through the game left behind by santa.  Now, if you give him a card, you might make this even better.  The last thing on his list is a ‘voice’?  or a family?  With a twist, of course.  
Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 29
eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4747
Posts Per Day
2.62
Okay:

Game incorporated into the script and used quite cleverly.

Hmmm - I think the meanness has to be a little more subtle - it is running the risk of being too over the top.

Evil Santa - not sure why this has to be a devil like creature.

Nice payoff at the end. Once the first one got it - the rest were pretty much forecasted as well so it got a bit slow here - but I don't know how you avoid that.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 29
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2016 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006