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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  20 Questions - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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20 Questions by Glenn Doyle - Short - A young, mute boy receives nothing he wished for on Christmas Day, but after he receives a mysterious game of 20 Questions, his family decide to play. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:40pm
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Wow rough family. I guess they're gonna get it... hopefully

Did Krampus just enter the room?

Pretty good story and used the game well.

I thought Thomas would have said something at the very end.

Good entry


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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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This strangely reminded me of Harry Potter. The family is like the Dursleys, and Thomas has magical powers that be doesn't realize.

I thought that the story was set up very well, and it kept my focus the whole time.


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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not a bad effort here. This was written pretty well, but once the fun started you knew exactly where this was going to end up. Actually, you did a great job of making me absolutely hate Rick, Kyle and Barb to the point I was gonna put this down. I just thought their behavior to be so atrocious. Anyway, a decent story that just lacked punch.

Overall, not too shabby.

Steve


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DaveTroop
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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A strong entry.

By the middle of the script, I truly hated Rick, Barb, and Kyle.
Thomas was very sympathetic.
As the rules go, people this wicked usually get theirs, and people like Thomas hand it to them.

Liked the scary, skinny Santa.

The only bad thing was, for as how unpredictable the first half of the script was, once they began to play the game, you could guess the rest.
Not that you didn't want it to happen, but it was a little bit of a let down.

You need something at the very end to surprise us again.

Still, very strong writing.  Like this one a lot.  
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Lightfoot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hunter - I was thinking the same thing when I realized just how horrible Thomas was being treated.

I knew after you've introduced that creepy, evil Santa the ending was going to get good, can't help but feel you let back a bit though, but I guess they were presents for Thomas so they can't be too horrible.

Very enjoyable though.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, somewhat interesting. I wasn't really into the dark Santa bit (I totally despise ":red glowing eyes") and I'm glad the 20 questions card game was short and sweet, I don't know if I would had the patience if it was played to its full potential. However, Christmas is a great time for board and card games as they could have been a newly opened gift, so I'm good with that.

Technical-wise, there isn't much difference between "continuous' and 'moments later'.

Overall, good entry, minus Dark Santa.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Very engaging story, really makes the reader hate the family except the protagonist.

As stated before it was kinda obvious how this was going to conclude, but kept me interested through to the end. Well written.

Good job


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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Ooh, another horrible family.
I like the choice of 20 questions.

'Like Uncontrollable vomit' - very novel but weird description. Unlike this one which was great: She flashes him an ice cold stare. And, it sums up the character of Barb (apt name too) perfectly.

Hooray, 'they' all got their comeuppance.

I'm not sure if this one does it for me, but not bad all the same.


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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Solid story, well written and great job on making the antagonists really unlikable.

I wondered why the family were so mean to him and if he really was a mute or he just chose not to speak. I guess either he could talk all along or something in the game gave him the power to speak all of a sudden.

Overall I thought this was a strong entry.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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A thought or three

Wow, great parents!

Lots to like in this and well written just the odd typo or two.

Think the game element is okay but a little secondary but extra marks for getting two games in.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Another bad family going on here.

I thought the game was supposed to be one we've all heard of before? Not sure about the 20 questions thing.

I was a bit confused at first with the kid not being able to talk...

Glad they got it in the end. Could kind of see the end coming.

Good job.
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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I hated most of the story.   I can't imagine a family being like that...

SPOILERS

As someone who's been abused, I found this VERY VERY hard to read....

Almost didn't make it to the end.

Good payoff.

But, the family was over the top evil...

The kid would be very shy and not act like that sadly...

And how's the kid supposed to live now??

And the game, while it was vital, wasn't logically arrived at...

6/10


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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.
The opening doesn’t work for me.  Cruelty for cruelty’s sake is off-putting.  Now, if they’re cruel while claiming to be kind, I’ll go for that.
More gratuitous cruelty.  Unneeded.
The santa scene seems overlong and perhaps too detailed.  Could it be made to look like his dream?
More unnecessary snubbing.  We know they treat him poorly.
And we get to the game.  It works for me.  Thomas gets what he wants through the game left behind by santa.  Now, if you give him a card, you might make this even better.  The last thing on his list is a ‘voice’?  or a family?  With a twist, of course.  
Best
Richard
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Okay:

Game incorporated into the script and used quite cleverly.

Hmmm - I think the meanness has to be a little more subtle - it is running the risk of being too over the top.

Evil Santa - not sure why this has to be a devil like creature.

Nice payoff at the end. Once the first one got it - the rest were pretty much forecasted as well so it got a bit slow here - but I don't know how you avoid that.



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