Going to be a little tricky to get that celestial line-up just right.  

I think I know who wrote this. If so, it's one of your better ones, IMO.

I liked it and I've read some of the previous comments. I would say that Rick's comments were very good. I just can't type that much. That's like the amount of comments I would come up with for a feature! Listen to them though. They were good.

The only thing that stopped me in my tracks was at the very beginning when Maja starts going on about how she used to take Abigail to the hospital all the time. It literarily put the brakes on this. Maybe wait with that info until later or break it up some. Right now it's like action and then a complete stop for some exposition.

Other than that, great job!

Oh, and I too looked up the Acheri. Awesome creature for using in a script! Never heard of it before.

On reading this a second time I realized I was wrong about my first impression -- that it takes too long to get to the destination I expected (in one form or another).
The second time around, the atmospherics moved to the forefront, and I enjoyed it much more. The writer employs a sad, ethereal tone that drifts on a line between the real world and something else. I appreciate the result.

Supersnatural thriller?  Giggle.  Not at the story - just the log-line typo.

All kidding aside, this is in my top five or so.  Well written - haunting.  Granted, I saw the ending coming.  But it still worked for me...    

Following are a few notes, hope these help to polish the script for the teeny, tiny, absolutely minuscule amount it needs:

p. 1 Has the look of the lunatic or the busy mother (nice phrasing)
p. 1 Needless to say, the sun and moon juxtaposition throws one off, but I’m sure it has to do with the story, so…
p 2: Wouldn’t Abigail respond with SOME answer about who she’s been playing with, even if it’s “no-body”?
p. 9: I DO like the visuals – but at this point, I think you can stop writing “mottled grey” for every description of the Acheri… especially if the result is removing an orphan…
Okay – admittedly, I was really expecting the ending… but it still worked.  One question: how does the moon and sun play into this?

What passes through

Have to say this reminded me of a treatment you take before a colonoscopy

The writing style is quite passive in parts - take the first line with its noticeably  followed by a dramatically etc - which suggests someone still learning the script format etc since this could be tightened and crisper, of course...until I'm proven wrong....but I liked the premise. Nice.

I agree it had an 'others' type vibe (that was set in my home island by the way).

I have said this before with other scripts in this OWC, but this has some real potential that post OWC could be developed.

The delusional mother, after the loss of a child, has been done many times. Your challenge is to find a different angle. Edith, does jump in at the end without any other purpose other than to explain - one to link in a bit better, round it off.

Nice tone, got something.

Told with a solid voice, I somehow wasn't able to get the pacing on this. Just like the title, the story felt like it passed through too quickly. The setup implies there will be answers, yeah we got a psychological twist, but I wanted to see what Maja will do to battle it.

The Acheri thing is actually creepy as shit, and had no shortage of tension. Nice quirk with the door locks. It's a story with a genuine vibe, and could be really good if explored further in the same tone and genre.

The VO probably should go toward the beginning too so it's consistent. I was caught off guard there, even so, the dialogue was still good. Other than the pace, I liked it. Good Job!

Code Both the Sun and the Moon...

It being both of them is obvious. 'Both' is unnecessary.

Code Maja gratefully receives her and ushers her inside.

Huh?

Code Maja stares out at the other child as she shuts the door. It steps away from her gaze and disappears into the shadows.

The door steps away?

Code MAJA I'm overprotective, I know. I Always have been. When you were younger, I used to take you to the Hospital all the time. It seems like a dream now. I can't remember what I thought was wrong, but I wanted you checked for everything. You wouldn’t believe how many tests you had.

Unrealistic dialogue.

Now it's getting boring. The VO kills it for me.

What Passes Through

Okay, at some point I got where this is going. I'd prefer if Maja had some more interaction with Abi and that it rather shows what she's thinking. The dialogue could have an acurate cutback. It's partly repetitive, especially within the long blocks.

So, more creativity in case of Maja's living with a kid which just exists in her mind, I'd suggest.

Otherwise you accomplished a solid structure yet and an expandable concept.

Solid quality overall

C+

Michael Druce,

Another pretty strong entry. Felt this one was weakened by some unrealistic dialogue. However, the story was strong and the ending definitely surprised me. Well done on that. I'd imagine this would be a pretty creepy film to watch.

Good stuff.

Glenn.