Gym Bunnies by Anonymous - Short, Comedy - When a hotchpotch of Disney characters are sent to a gym they soon discover there is more to this  gathering  than expected. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The moment I read Gym Bunnies I should have known.... Well that happened. I read that. It's seared in my brain lol

Starting with a glaring error in your opening Slug is not a good way to jump out of the gate.

Using Disney at all, is a big mistake, IMO, as well as all these Disney characters.

This comes off as a pisser to me, but then again, alot of comedy can be labeled as pissers.

This isn't for me at all, as I really don't even know who these characters are supposed to be or why they're together in this script.  I stopped on Page 4.

Some funny moments here and there. Snow White was my favorite.

Calhoun sounded too much like a man - thought it might be funnier if it were a more demurr character - against type.

Format wise fairly solid

The ending was a bit weak - like you hit 12 pages and had to end it some how.

Someone's got kids and has been forced into watching too much Disney!

Some great dialogue: Clam tits, good shrooms.

It got old pretty fast, but there was a lot of talent here. That was probably misapplied.

I like the idea although I don't think it quite hits the mark.  There were times I felt the female characters were saying things that made it obvious a guy wrote the dialogue.

Overall I like the idea, a lot of promise, but not quite right.

But...a solider doesn't give up.... 'soldier'

I liked the concept and sadly as i have 2 daughters I knew all the characters... but that's me.
There will others who won't have a clue and that will probably go against you.
I was enjoying then he just dragged on... I think 12 pages was too much

You had some good characters and whats funny is that Snow White was eerily like the Snow White in my last OWC  copyright lol

good job on entering

Starting with something you might think is pedantic but a door doesn't slam open. It bursts open, yes, but the act of slamming is that it shuts forcefully. Just saying...

I don't know Wreck It Ralph either so...

Sorry, I got up to 'clam tits', and just know this is not up my alley.  No offence.

Not digging it. Too over the top and humorless? Though it attempts to be funny and crude it just comes off as overly juvenile. Dialogue is stagnant and some of the action doesn't make sense, unfilmables and all.

The title made me think of some bad 80's sex comedy ala Meatballs. I think that may have been a better approach. The Disney girls add nothing, so why have them in the first place?

Hey writer,

I liked where it was going, and really tried to like the overall piece, but it just didn't work for me.

The premise is fairly solid, but it just dragged on and really didn't need all the pages it ended up with.

Good effort but not for myself,

Cam

Isn’t it “hodge podge?”  Have I said that wrong my whole life?
Pumped for a comedy.  Not as pumped for the logline, but pumped for a comedy nonetheless.

Disney Studio’s?  

Notes are never a good look in a script.

I’m having a hard time finishing this.  The joke is already long on page 3.  Gotta bow out on 7, sorry.  I can't even stick out the final few pages, just not engaging me in the slighest.  I'm sure others might like it.  The writing itself wasn't terrible.

I had a few chuckles, but nothing other than that.  The dialogue didn't feel right to me.

It just kind of went on and on.   But, I could see this being funny on the screen if it was ever done.

Nolan

You got a big prob straight up where some of the chars mightn't be known by the readers.

And it wasn't that funny! Look, very ambitious try here and we can see what you went for but it didn't really gel.

I did like the line about being second cousin to a plastic bag after all the surgery but thats about it.  

Sorry to be harsh but when you do a comedy you gotta do it real good

How does a door slam open? They can slam shut, sure, but open?

I don't watch a whole lot of Disney movies, so I'm sort of lost on who some of these characters are.

It's well written and some of the dialog was actually quite funny. No real payoff at the end, at least not as far as I could tell. But again, I'm not too familiar with these characters.

Not bad though.

~Zack~

I'm a Disney nerd so I initially liked the idea of the characters sort of coming out of retirement... which is when it started to not work so much for me...

Maleficent has just had a movie of her own, hardly a hasbeen...

I liked the idea behind this but it's a little over long and runs out of steam.  

The bolded note. Nope, not needed. Let the reader decide what the mind's eye sees.

It took a while to get used to the foul language - I was having a visual disconnect with the characters and content. Once that adjustment was made things flowed better.

Basically, this was  a 12 minute "get your shit together" speech for our Disney live action characters with equal time for the forgotten stars. Pleasantly surprised by Snow White's persona and zingers.

The ending was okay. A reveal that the original stars were involved might add something. How about  an evil laugh by the elderly Mouse and his cohorts at the end as their upstart rivals are eliminated?

I can see the door swinging open and slamming into the wall, but "slamming open"???

If if weren't for MTV Classic, the "MTV videos" scenario would be impossible from the get-go, unless a major MTV artist (Michael Jackson or Prince caliber) recently died.

I never got to see Wreck-It-Ralph, so I don't know who Sgt. Calhoun is.

"She smiles - likes this." typo?

Quoted Text CALHOUN (To herself) Mission time, bitches.

Good luck getting cooperation from Disney.

Ariel. Finally, I character I've heard of. First movie I ever remember seeing was The Little Mermaid. I'm reading her lines in Jodi Benson's voice.

"What [are] we going to do?"

Ooh. That Sebastian diss. Ha ha! Unda da sea! Unda da sea!

"excited to the see"

Who's Matt? I think you mean mat or matte.

Another familiar face, Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.

Definitely not Disney language!

Mal's dialogue is a little too long; should be broken up.

"Bad anal retention." Disney will never go for this.

"shoulder[-]barges."

Turn off Cont'd.

"Malicious." Intentional? Maleficent isn't malicious, Trump is.

Uh oh. Enter Aurora.

"get in here[,] puff ball."

"What the Cy Bugs?!" What the Cy Bugs?! WTF? Had to Google this.

You need some commas.

Is COUGH COUGH a mini slug? Period?

Cigarette? Disney will most certainly never go along with this. Hell, they wouldn't even let Walt smoke in Saving Mr. Banks (played by Mr. Hanks).

Been at the sauce?

"Mission -- Impossible?" Bum... bum, bum, BUM! Bum... BUM, bum, bum!

"Mission creep?" Calhoun was involved in Watergate?

I ain't "mission you" at all. (Mission you) Since you've been gone.

"Give a corpse a boner, make it come back to life
and take you over a kitchen stool." Oooooo...kaaaaayyy...

"rococo chaise longue" Rocko's Modern what? Had to google this.

"no ya" which one?

Quoted Text Calhoun considers it all. It dawns on her this is hopeless.

I agree. I'm struggling to continue. I barely understand what the hell's going on.

"Yeah. I mean, if someone's going to
get a hard-on over me, they'll be
into some twisted shit."

Tell that to Angie. Maybe that's why she and Brad divorced?

I thought Aurora would have better grammar than

"Time to spill the beans
before you's a get a bad kickin."

What does that even mean?

"You are by far the scariest bitch
I've ever come across."

I know scarier.

In the highly unlikely event Disney greenlights this, Betty White needs to play the Fairy Godmother!

"...that’s not a slam dunk." Neither is this script.

"not (B)ambi?"

Finished. What. The. F--BOOM! Nah. Wasn't for me, and I love the characters I've heard of, which is 99 percent of them.

Writer,

Sorry, this didn't work for me. There was lots and lots of dialogue, but no jokes really landed a knockout punch. And I think the premise was a bad choice as well - Disney characters working out at the gym? Hmm. Apologize but I don't have much more to offer than that. Wasn't for me.

Steve

I'm the oddball.  I laughed because it was so crazy.  I can enjoy stuff like Cabin Boy.  

However, it made no sense.  It's a skit.  Like a SNL skit.  I doubt you'd get the okay to do it, unless you were going for parody, then you are good to go.  As we know from the Wierd Al battles, all is legal in the realm of comedy and parody.  

I didn't know who Aurora was.  I just watched Wreck-it Ralph.  If anyone has not seen that movie, you should.  It's pretty solid.  And for an 80's guy, it really hit the spot.  

Good luck with it.
Dan

Not for me.  I'm not a fanboy type, and fan lit doesn't excite.

I started off wanting to like it but my mind wandered with page after page of not real funny banter. I kept looking for the real reason they were there but by the time it was revealed, I didn't care anymore. I thought I recognized some personality change through the script but didn't want to go back and read it a second time to be sure.

Totally appreciate the effort doing comedy. I was in the same boat with relatively the same result.

Provocative title – although works as an attention grabber for sure… let's see
Logline foreshadows massive copyright and realization problems

The script is stuffed to the very last line given – not a good sign in case of coherent story and concept.

I imagine this could be much more fun with only original fairytale characters.

Sorry, I cannot identify with this concept. I hope you got some praise, help, inspiration, or suggestions out of other reviews.

The second one in a row I've read that reads like a pisser. Again, sorry if it wasn't but the Disney angle and the dialogue just isn't working for me.

The clam tits comment threw me off in the wrong way and it went downhill from there fast. Maybe I'm getting prudish in my ancient age.

Some will love this and find it funny, I can see from the comments that some do so this is just personal taste and not a reflection of your writing ability, which seems quite good!

-Mark

And bringing up the rear is....

And Trust me, I don't like to bring up anybodies rear  

Thanks for the reads folks and Sean/Don for the OWC  

I'll come out swinging next time...that's a boxing reference , not the other swinging