Envy by Sean Elwood - Horror - Following her father's death, a college freshman girl receives an empty box containing something evil. 86 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Okay - first - a real solid job for the limited time frame.  I did not make detailed notes as I went as I wanted to give the story a shot and didn't want to run out of time. I'm only going to comment on areas where I think there could be enhancements. Please don't take that as a sign that I didn't think there was a lot of positive as well.

SPOILERS

The Stacey window wiper death scene. I had a real hard time imagining that a windshield wiper could do that much damage. I think that you need a more realistic death scene here.

The Policeman dialogue in both cases (after Stacey gets killed and after Melanie does) seemed stilted and unnatural to me. The cops are giving away way to much information and they sound robotic. They are also Cops just on the scene. I thought you were missing a real Detective scene with Bailey after Stacey's death.

The Interrogation by the Officer at the end didn't make any sense to me. If Stacey and Theo were suicides - what is it that he is expecting Bailey to take responsibility for?

Never quite got a motive for Theo and Stacey's deaths.

Struck me as odd that Bailey didn't call her Mom after Stacey' murder - it took forever to get back to her.

I really think you missed an opportunity by not having more Therapist session scenes througout the script. It would have a great device to show Bailey's devolution.

Hard for me to get behind the logistics of the girl being in the basement all those years with Melanie never discovering anything.

Paul sounded very much like Rain Man. I know he's autistic but I don't think it can be that close.

Again - very nice job for the short time allotted.

Hey Sean,

Thought I’d give your horror story a boo. This is just my personal feedback, and please… take it with a huge grain of quartz salt, or any other form of Zodiacal Salt if that suits your fancy. Anyhoo…

Log: Following her father's death, a college freshman girl receives an empty box containing something evil.

Right, after 30pages (that’s how far I got into it), there really doesn’t seem to be anything truly ‘Evil’ going on.

OK, there’s a ‘Fly’ in a Box, I got that. Sound of Flies, which the CIA, believe it or not (you may have done your homework) has determined is a serious mind-wrench to cause emotional discourse, as in… creepy: like falling or loud screams. It (the sound of flies) are reminiscent of rotting meat, or death, emotional discourse like no other (this was a primary catalyst purposely instilled in ‘The Exorcist’ soundtrack). Unfortunately, it is also a turn off - if not used sparingly to invoke the proper response. It is something humans are not hardwired to appreciate, even the sight of them. You may be thinking; “Yeah, no shit… that’s what I’m going for!”, but… no; even horror has a quaint acceptance to it in terms of things palatable. ‘Drag me to Hell’ had a lot of flies in it… and vomit: just gross and intense… not fun horror type shit if you catch my drift.

Okay, that being said, it was a dead fly in a box, creepy, and… it kept showing up several times, again, and again. To be honest, I thought it (the contents of the box) might be filled with something more strange/macabre/disturbing etc as it kept re-appearing. Perhaps the box was laden with different avenues of ‘horror’, if you will, or even enticing… like say; ‘the Whimpering Puppy’ from the dark basement the protag experienced as a 4-year-old? Maybe you might want to resurrect old memories and tie it back to the brief talk Bailey had with Lisa (Golden) the Counselor about her (Bailey’s) estranged but loving father: that maybe would/could start to weave the whole back story as a congruent/cohesive unit to tie-up your leap into the second act? Just a thought.

Unfortunately, that still leaves Melissa (Bailey’s mom), Stacey (Bailey’s Roommate) and Eric; the dude shot in the head during the very short teaser (who I’m assuming at this point is Bailey’s deceased/murdered father?) to somehow weave into the first act, or at least usher in a concept of their existence towards the whole ideology. Mind you, Frank (from Hellraiser) showed before and after the second act… didn’t, he? Or maybe it was just a memory of him, that is… outside of him being taken to hell by the Cenobites in the teaser. Just thinking out loud, all good.

I won’t bang on. And I know 30  (what I’ve invested) pages is not a lot to weave a (horror) spell, but I’m just not feeling the threshold of pain and torture, or even… ‘evil’ (that you stated in your log) that would warrant my attention any further, at least not if we continue with an elusive box with, err … a single fly?

English is primarily derived from (at least incorporates quite a bit of) Latin and French, and is designed to invoke emotion or deep thought; prose if you will, and it is actually intended to be spoken slowly and out loud during the senate debates. Back to Clive Barker’s Hellraiser since I used a snippet of its outline:

Opening:

    “In darkness, a blood-curdling cacophony:  the squeal
     of unoiled winches, the rasp of hooks and razors
     being sharpened; and worse, the howl of tormented
     souls.  Above this din one particular victim yells
     for mercy - a mixture of tears and roars of rage.

     By degrees his incoherent pleas are drowned out by
     the surrounding tumult, until without warning his
     voice pierces the confusion afresh - this time
     reduced to naked scream.”

This is a script… and it sold, vehemently. It drips from the tongue, and you (as a reader) … want more, and more. A script is your blank page with an endless supply of ink; use it as a canvass and go ‘full retard’ until someone tells you to dial it back, then give them more. Currently, this script is somewhat tame and diluted.

Much (of your storytelling) I like, and some I might reconsider (re-scripting) for a more intuitive flow, or shock value to keep the reader intrigued. Hope some of this helps. Just my two cents of course… best of luck.

Hi Sean,

Read your story and enjoyed but was confused by a few things others have mentioned.

The police when talking about Stacey's death mentioned foul play but it was never followed up on then bluntly stated later it was a suicide, as taken from the video footage. I'm assuming the police would have checked this and would have known it was suicide an not foul play.

I get where Matthew fitted in, but didn't feel he connected at all with the story. Where was his motivation to seek out Eric and kill him after nearly 18 yrs if I'm getting the timeline right.

Finally, throughout the story the box plays an integral part, but it if it was the original box Bailey saw the 'puppy' in, what size is it and what is made from?
Bailey rips it apart in one scene so I'm assuming it was cardboard, but for it to contain a human child as it turned out must have been a fair size.

I liked the visuals you presented and pace overall.

Well done.

Hey, Sean. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading through this. I'll have some notes for you soon.

Hello there.

Nice job! There's creepy vibes and scares at a volume that seems to be in keeping with horror movies these days. You definitely kept the pressure on our main character, increasing the intensity as it goes along. And you've got her relationships falling apart, her sanity questioned, all that good stuff as we get deeper in.

A couple things to consider...


There can be more withholding of information in the the counselor session starting on pg. 6. Have Bailey be more reticent to talk about her father, maybe even snapping at Lisa. Instead of recounting the whole dog story, we get a quick flashback memory, then Lisa asks if there's something Bailey wants to say, and she changes the subject.

A mutilated dog chained in a basement might require (or at least encourage) a therapist to contact the authorities. So could instead hint at this information, with Bailey herself unsure of these hazy memories. The counselor slowly prying uncomfortable memories out of her will make for more dramatic tension.  


I wanted the "box" to be something more unique. Given her father's profession and penchant for secret walls... why not an intricate puzzle box. It could be a gift the father gave Valerie. With lots of secret compartments to occupy her time. Now it's returned with sinister clues for Bailey to unlock.


This last note is gonna be a very unhelpful, but I feel like something's missing from the ending. I don't know what... just wish there were more twists and turns along the way. Perhaps there's someone else involved that's trying to cover it up? That's why this spirit came back. Maybe her mother was in on it all along, she begged Eric to get her a child?

That's just a random thought, I'll stop there. You have a lot of solid material here. Given the time constraints, this is really impressive.

Congrats on finishing the challenge, and good work!