It was a nice and quick read. The 2 mile high chimney was kinda ridiculous but it doesn't matter. Like Conz, I thought they were going to gas the kids in the chamber. Sick and twisted but more memorable.

Good work. Kudos for entering!

I picked this one next because it's short.

How do you "tear open" A STEEL DOOR? ?)

"worn-out presidential uniform"

"Mom" and "Mommy," "Ma," etc., when used as names, need to be capitalized.

"You[,] too, sweethearts."

"Wow, they're really fine this morning?" Is this supposed to be a question... or a declaration of confusion?

Abbreviations (and numbers) need to be spelled out. Mister, Missus, Miss, Sergeant, General, Doctor, etc.

Two people don't "squats," they squat.

Santa Claus is the character. The Santa Clause is the Tim Allen movie.

Wow. Short and sweet. Nice title, logline, and writing.  

3 - The exposition here needs a device. Some vital experiment that's just failed, some retrieved data that's just been decoded...something visual to land this beat. 'Cause it's a big one.

It's cute enough. None of the vital ups and downs. Getting the project done could create some problems -- the kids aren't allowed to go somewhere, etc.

I think it's quite an innovative idea for a cute Christmas story, but even cute Christmas stories need a little more conflict.

Breezy read.

yeah a 5 pager!

Not much of a storyline. They all get in the bunker survive the apocalypse, I thought we were in for a horrific ending but sadly no.  

Well bittersweet as it was not much of a twist.

Nice writing
Story ok

Good job on entering

Nice title!

Short and effective, reminded me of something but cant quite place it.

I was sure then would see the kids as a sacrifice to Santa to feed the rest of the colony, that's me and my dark sensibilities again!

Decent effort

Pressing dark particles along. So, it’s a dust storm?
Why is there a chimney two miles high? Is the entire underground community supposed to be breathing through a giant straw?
The dialogue from the adults sounds stilted and unnatural.
The entire “bunker community” consists of seven people? Awfully small group.
I’m afraid the last sentence doesn’t make sense to me – “The children's smiles might be worth to persevere, at least for a further year, in Bunkerland.”

Writer,

Hmm. Very good writing, I thought. Was gonna call you out on the generator and it's source until you explained it a few passages down. Still, the ending lost me. I'm guess that they killed themselves in this room? Or maybe not. Or maybe this just went over my head. If anything, this could have used a bit more clarity at the end to find out what happened to these people, especially the children. Character-wise, there was no one in particular to grasp onto, and that lost me because there has to be someone (or something) to grasp onto to give this script some life, and your characters depth. This didn't have that, and it was hard for me to get invested.

Steve

A short, sweet little piece. I liked it a lot. It's just the right length and doesn't overstay it's welcome. I don't have much to add.

Winter Bunkerland - Apocalypse, Dystopian, Drama - In a confined underground shelter, two children celebrate Christmas among an isolated community that represents the entire humankind.

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Zero conflict inherent in the premise.  That could be a theme you talk about with the writers here maybe?  For example, in the above premise (giant bees and exterminators) we see the conflict. Here I'm just imagining two kids chatting.  There's nothing dramatically interesting about that.


TITLE: Winter Bunkerland

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.1

Thanks for reviewing and commenting my entry.

It's the first time, I think, that I'd agree with about 90+ % of the reviews, no matter if they addressed positive or negative aspects.

Somehow it feels good when you do something and the reader can identify the project so that there is no significant differences to the kind of story I personally aim for. Since most of you constantly write for dozens of readers in the OWCs, I think you know what I mean here.

Logline critique was fair although I think Carson could have given more attention to the titles. I mean, if you or me have a title that is no way generic and heard before, and correct me if I'm wrong Winter Bunkerland qualifies in this respect (even if possibly a bit weird to some), then there should be at least one point more on the table. But perhaps my logline was a zero … so… fair.

Thanks to the anonymous reader as well. She/he also gave me a completely comprehensible scoring, and the more negative points "clear stakes/conflict", "characters" and "characterization via dialogue" were 100% correct and I was sure about this definite issue.

When it comes to this overall conflict debate, I can say, a plotting with conflict simply wasn't a part of my concept. There's really just that one twist in the end.

The script is even exactly the version of no possibilities, no movement anymore, no fight to get out. It's the dystophia of a disappearing humanity. And, in general, stories imo don't always have to focus on confrontation. Experience, original picture, and concept can make a movie too. A bold example might be Jurassic Park: There I always prefer the exposition line for one hour and more (with zero direct conflict between characters) over the second part where they run for their lives and reveal character.

On another note - many of you dropped words like cute, sweet, and nice. I was afraid first because there's a certain saying in my country that reads: "nice is the little sister of s***". So, I thank you that, regarding writer's choice, you used your words in an honest way and not kind of sarcastic.

Ahhh almost forgot: One point I missed where I should have given a much better impression -- The graffiti. I personally imagine the painting about  "who we are/have been" as the greatest stuff a graffiti artist ever brought to the wall, regarding this subject - historical documentation of people and planet earth. Imo that should look amazing -- and unfortunatley my description wasn't delivering the emorional impact very well. It should be candy for the eye there, and even make the whole damn movie, seeing those children happy in front of that artwork. For the viewer it could be the big bang that makes a big impression to the heart before we fade to black.

Enough of me,
and thanks again.

Hey, Alex.

Nice script! It's a feel-good story and that's where "cute, sweet" come from, I guess. Actually first time I see from you a feel-good story - and you did real well. Congrats on that!

Quoted from khamanna Hey, Alex. Nice script! It's a feel-good story and that's where "cute, sweet" come from, I guess. Actually first time I see from you a feel-good story - and you did real well. Congrats on that!

Thanks Kham, I wouldn't have thought you're behind Snackula and there you equally showed another side.  You got a pm.