Touched by EJ -   Short, Fantasy

This entry made me reread and contemplate (which is a good thing).

The entry meets all the requirements and is well written. Maybe a bit overwritten in places but not enough to really be a problem. Overly descriptive that made me think 'so what'.

Good job, writer.

Hello.

I would have cut out some of the dialogue and incorporated more action into this story. Otherwise, the ending is hopeful and positive.

Whew! This had a bit of everything.

I don't think you needed the opening, could have skipped to him doing his good deed and he and his friends just shooting the breeze about life and love prior.

A nice piece of fantasy with some big images, and inventive for sure.

Aw cute.

So all of this from touching a homeless! I once danced with a homeless - true story. A whole dance. People then didn't want to dance with me though.

Well Im glad he touched him and was given powers in response. Nice work, universe, or homeless man - whoever got him these powers. And he got a woman who's giving away bear hugs.
good job

Nice take on an old story...."and I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the former had passed away".  And also an uplifting message that this was made possible by a simple kindness extended to the least of these.  Possibly another "entertaining angels unawares" story.  I really like those.  You hit all the marks in this, so thumbs up from me.  Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Read well enough but I'm not sure I bought it really.

My problem was that Edgar was at the start of his career (nice touch for us all), he was an optimist, with plenty of reasons to be optimistic by the sound of it...

So his choice of superpower just felt off to me... had you presented him as someone down on his luck and with a reason to want to reset I might have bought it more.

Decent effort though

Two things I liked: 1. The idea that humanity needs a reset. 2. The act of kindness toward the homeless person. These items contributed to an overall positive vibe. I didn't understand why the friends would be so upset about the interaction with the homeless guy. Why would they bring that up after it had happened? And the new planets/naked people on the football field was definitely far out.

A very nice tale about starting over which sadly we will probably destroy that planet too

I thought the voice would read a little more profound but instead came off
a little arrogant



A good entry well done

Hello writer

Wait...so Edgar doesn't give the homeless man the money he needs, instead he inappropriately touches him without consent and the universe decides that he is the most deserving person on the planet to be bestowed with a superpower?  

Quoted Text VOICE Consider me ... the universe, life.

When the criteria said "The powers that be of the universe..." you really took it literally!


Humanity 100% needs a reset, such a great and unique superpower to choose. Awesome premise with a good positive ending.

For me at the moment, the parts don't gel well. The whole movie/script writing thing has no bearing on anything and all of the butt-kissing his friends do seems unnecessary. My opening above was tongue-in-cheek but that small gesture of kindness seems too small for this gift given to him. The fireball from the sky also seems to come from left-field.
Personally I would fill the opening with Edgar witnessing the worst traits of humanity (greed/envy/arrogance) to make his "saving humanity" super-power choice more sensical.
It could be that when we open, the fireball is already coming/ humanity has lost its shit and people have no regard for each other - in that scenario, Edgars compassion would have more oomph (and give the universe more reason to grant him superpowers for his final day)

Enough spit-balling from me.

I did enjoy this though, good job.

Hi,

I am late to read this script because it lacks a logline. It is important to sell a script with a good logline so I suggest the writer should try his or her best to write one.

I enjoyed reading this script especially when I saw Edgar used his superpower to  save the earth.  However, the writer missed a chance of making this script better. The writer should have made Edgar in a positive way to save the earth. He just sat and still and saw. That was not enough. I understand why the writer couldn't come up with a logline.

Try to make Edgar more positive and you may not only make this script better but  come up with a logline.

Hope this helps.

Michael

I got those Star Trek Wrath of Kahn chills reading this ending. Botany Bay returns.

Nice little sci fi twist, with a 'reset' earth approach.

Keep on writing.

Hi writer. Really enjoyed reading this script. The story of humanity needing s reset. I don't know that Edgar will ever turn out to be a filmmaker since that career may be gone with the new reset. But he finally found love on the new reset planet.

Touching the homeless man showed Edgar's heart and sensitivity to the plight of others. I do think it needs to be reworked to clarify and expand on the dream that brought the gift to Edgar.  You might consider making the gift giver a fully fleshed out person rather than just a voice.
But it was a good read that I enjoyed.

Glad you got it in.

Quoted from khamanna I once danced with a homeless - true story. A whole dance. People then didn't want to dance with me though.

Gurl, their loss.

Ahoy writer,

Last but not least methinks. I'll have to double check. Not worried though - we have no horse in this race. Woops! challenge.

Yup, I would recommend you scale it way back on the screenwriting bits cos' it doesn't play a major role in this. Mmm... how about have the homeless man being badly mistreated by someone or folks, and no one's bothering to stop and help.  Kinda ignoring him. As a lot of folks do when it comes to the homeless.   And have Edgar save the day.  It makes for a more powerful and compelling case for his wish methinks. Or something to this effect. At the moment he(Edgar) just gives him a comforting shoulder. I know I know - sometimes a simple act of kindness can go a long way, but... Just sayin'.

Anywaz, luv the cute little story. Best of Irish luck! -A