SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 15th, 2021, 1:08pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The April Challenge has been updated/clarified


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Lift in a 1 Star Hotel - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Lift in a 1 Star Hotel - OWC  (currently 2863 views)
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:33am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Lift in a 1 Star Hotel by It's a secret... for now... - Short, Comedy - Eek… 8 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at:
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:09pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
what I liked:
- created some tension with situational discomfort
- there is at least a distinct, if weird personality with the main character
- the writer, if new, has a potential ear for dialogue. Needs work of course

suggestions to improve:
- obviously a new writer. You will hear a lot about unfilmables. While there are some that consider this rule the 11th Commandment given to Moses, certainly the writer needs to understand that some of these things simply can't be shown in film. Example: He always carries his welding equipment with him. No way we could know that.
- i hate not finishing a story, but I stopped after 4 or 5 pages. I went back and I have no idea what's going on on this elevator. Is it moving? Is it waiting? And then the old man tells his kid to fix the cable. From inside the elevator? Where people are for some reason waiting? It makes no sense. If the writer is not going the make the situation make sense he's not going to get readers to stay with him.

investment in story and characters:
almost, but no. The main character has a certain vulnerability which can be built on, but for now it's not enough.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  May 24th, 2015, 12:26pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

Posts Per Day

Still, there's always the graffiti to
read, I've written a lot of it,

A laugh burst forth when I read this. I'm still chuckling now after reading it again.

Well... what the flip have I just read? That was some crazy slapstick-type comedy. Almost Monty Python-esque. Over all it doesn't work for me. It could work, but it needs work. Your writing also needs work. If you would like some help with that, I'll gladly give some hints and tips for how you can improve.

I think a fair score for this would be a 3. Or 3.5 for the giggle.

It's a tough one because comedy is really subjective. There's wit, sarcasm, irony and slapstick all in this story. Things are just a little jumbled right now. With some work this could be a decent story with a message, but it needs to find its direction. At the moment it doesn't really go anywhere.

Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
Posts Per Day
Yeah, I agree with the other 2.  I didn't get it.  Sorry.

there is some funny stuff, but, it didn't make any kind of sense.  Why is he doing all this stuff?

I'd give it a 3.5/10.

Sorry, but, it didn't make any sense...

Please read my scripts:

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:33am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
Welcome to the wonderful weirdness of screenwriting. I'm assuming you're new, seeing how right from the get-go  I notice the title page. Then on p1: 1. The Lift, followed by INT. LIFT and then "a lift in a 1 star hotel' Let's try that again:

Cramped full of people, surrounded by graffiti. The MECHANIC squeezes in, presses the button to go down.

See, it's like this. You show me, in order things I cannot see. If the lift is full of people, tight space, how can I see the mess around them? The only possible solution is to reverse the order of the writing, and drop the excessive description. You can also show that the repairman is prepared without telling us. I wouldn't as go as far as to say it is unfilmmable, but dropping "always" improves the visual. We don't always know that. But you can show us his toolbox.

Quoted Text
OLD MAN, a 70 year old man who is extremely serious. He is fat
and bald, and in poor health.

What about him?
A 70 year old, overweight bald man coughs

Quoted Text
Lift Mechanic jumps up and down

In a crowded, shoulder to shoulder elevator.. At least one heavy set man among them.

I'm sorry. I'm out by page 3. Angry Teen who 'hates authority' the '70 year old old lady'   Now the OCD reference.

Is the repair guy even doing repairs?

"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss :
The Art!
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 4 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Been Around

Some travelling Circus...
Posts Per Day


Ok… I read it all. Some funny moments, some not.  “A 1 star hotel”, lol. Sounds like a motel I stayed at once. Ya, so I hit this town late one evening only to find out there’s a concert AND a Sioux game going on; everything's booked solid, therefore… enter a 1 star motel on the edge of nowhere.  I slept standing up. Good continental breakfast though, coffee and a ‘let’s go, now’.

I’m rambling? Yes. I get that you were fueling this with dialog, but there’s just too many unfilmables that need to be capitalized on in order to move the characters into a viewing audience. Vis-à-vis ‘PSYCHOPATHIC MAN’ – doesn’t really come across as a psychopath, more like a ‘DILUSIONAL MAN’ or ‘SARCASTIC MAN’ when he delivers his line:

“You're a hero! The world needs more people like you!”

I think you had fun writing this though, and I also think you could probably put together (if you keep at it) something… less green?  If that makes any sense, Cheers.

My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts Per Day
Wow, what an asshole mechanic.

I did laugh quite a few times because it was so stupid, I read on because it was entertaining and that's all I can say about this one.

For the mechanic to turn around and say "Nah, I'm just fucking with you" to an old bloody lady, LOL.

I'm honestly speechless...

It will be hit and miss for some people tho but on the real, I'd rather read a fun piece like this than read a script where the writer has a stick shoved up his arse throughout the entire thing.

Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:55pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Congrats on your entry.

In the beginning, you start off telling us how people feel, a lot of adverbs, and that he "always" carries his welding equipment.  Just tell us what we see not all the extras.  And need to cap full of PEOPLE.

OLD MAN, a 70 year old man who is extremely serious. He is fat and bald, and in poor health.   Not a good description.  We know he's old because you call him OLD MAN.  Then another "who is".  This needs work.

Again, don't TELL us ANGRY TEENAGER "hates authority".  Just tell us what we see on screen.  SHOW us in the dialogue or actions.

Then you have the Lift Mechanic speak twice in a row with no action line in between.

These kind of mistakes are throughout the script as well as the CONTINUEDs.  Take those out.

Sorry, but I really didn't like it.  The mechanic got punched in the face multiple times and didn't even react, word choices weren't good, and the dialogue needs work.  If you just put this together for the challenge to get an entry in, then good job on that.  Not easy to do.  Just this needs a lot of work.  Good luck.

My Scripts:
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Southern California
Posts Per Day
Well - the good news is that you do have talent with dialogue. That is not an easy task for many writers. That being said, the action, descriptions, format are less then standard and need a work.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
As other have said, formatting is a little off, too many unfilmables and some of the dialogue sections run on too long... and switch you Continueds off...

But, some of the dialogue was funny... utterly absurd at times, but definitely funny.

Not really sure what to make of it!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day
Too many mistakes in the first few passages to even list.

No named characters?

Sorry, out before I even neared the end of page 1.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts Per Day
Dreamscale strikes again!

Wait til' you get around to mine, you'll tear it a new one.

Although I will say, at least this script met the requirements unlike some others.

Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

For this one:

I imagine this is a relatively new writer.  My thoughts: a promising premise... there's a lot that can be done with this, and if I were you, I'd keep playing with it after the OWC is over.  A few problems I noticed.  A lot of passive writing (ie: so and so "is" this, etc.)  And while the concept of a nutso lift operator and a group of disparate riders could be fun, most of this didn't come off as very organic.  (For instance, the Lift Operator just started talking wacko immediately. The "psychopathic" guy came out of nowhere, etc.)

But play with it... it's worth the effort to smooth this out!

--J (W)
e-mail Reply: 12 - 23
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Down Under
Posts Per Day
I'm a sucker for oddball comedy and this made me laugh a few times. Could imagine it as a skit.

Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
I’m guessing you are fairly new to writing screenplays, so the rule here is write what we can see. Your first action block for example:

A lift in a 1 star hotel. It is rather tacky, and graffiti is everywhere. The lift is filled full of people, and everyone is feeling cramped, uncomfortable and irritable.

How do we know it is a 1 star hotel? Is there a ‘1 star’ sign in the elevator? The state of the elevator tells us everything we need to know about it and the hotel so there’s no need for the 1 star hotel statement. In addition, you’ve said the lift is full twice (filled full) and you’ve informed us what the characters are feeling, which is something we can’t see.

The script is full of such stuff so I’ll move onto other aspects.

Spelling mistakes, line gaps between character names and dialogue, no character descriptions, improper use of parentheticals; it almost seems like a pisser.

On the positive, the dialogue shows promise and it is quite bonkers. It reads to me like an old black and white comedy, something perfectly suited for Groucho Marx as the Lift Mechanic. If that was the intention then this is quite genius. If not, well I’d claim it is and try to bring those zany classic comedies back into fashion!

Well done on entering the OWC and giving this a go, it’s quite intense getting the level of scrutiny these challenges produce. Take what you can from the comments.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006