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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Equitable Life - OWC
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  Author    The Equitable Life - OWC  (currently 2622 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Equitable Life by ? - Short, Supernatural Horror - As a delivery man, Isaacís destination is chosen for him. But this elevator ride will force him to choose his path. 12 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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I guessed the end before I got to it, so, that's too bad.

It was pretty good.  I enjoyed it.  I think you could have explained why all this happened.  I doubt this happens to each person who goes on the elevator.


I'd give it 7/10


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eldave1
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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For the most part, solidly written - an easy read

For me, the ending was rather predictable - so it didn't end with quite the bang that the author might have intended.

I would have like ISSAC developed a little more as a character (perhaps with some more character revealing dialogue with the girl). I kind of didn't care about him one way or another because I really couldn't tell who he was.

Overall, good work.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Lots to like in this one, read like a contemporary Twilight Zone or similar.

I think the ending was a  little telegraphed and needed some form of additional twist to make it shine. Issac could do with a little work in terms of why he's such a dick, but minor quibble in a short.

Writing is generally good throughout though and paced well.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JSimon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

- plenty of mystery; thereís the package and the girl and the old man and the caller and the magic of the elevator
- on the whole itís very well written and easy to read; 11 pages but it reads very quick, thanks!
- a very creative effort, a lot of ideas in play, and an attempt to at least delve into character and moral dilmemma
- as challenges go, it's fine work

suggestions to improve:

- I suspect this is a prose writer taking a break to do script; and the writer forgets this at times. And Iím not talking about format, but point of view. In prose itís ok that we donít know the character is aging until he looks in the mirror. But in film, we would see that aging before he does...yet the script seems to forget this. At several points it does this. Thatís an understandable error for a prose writer, but itís a very big one.
- this story suggests to me that this writer had a bunch of great ideas for the challenge and couldnít choose one. Itís not focused enough. The premise is that the elevator takes this character on a ride that will in the end provide a test as to his moral character. But there are no surprises...the character changes not at all and he chooses what we expected he would: he kills the girl to get his youth back. Thereís no real dilemma, not really, because heís been a selfish low life from the getgo. We donít know why he was chosen to deliver the package. Would this test have been administered to any delivery driver?
-- itís good work, it just would benefit from a bit of focus and simplification.

potential for expansion to feature or series:


maybe part of a series, like a TZ episode

filming potential:

yes, thereís enough in the concept, but the story needs tightening

investment in story and characters:

no. The main character has no redeeming quality that makes us root for him, so we donít care what happens or what choice he makes.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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I think there is a good metaphor in the rising of a lift. A passage. A movement. A journey upwards..but where to?

Hence the reglious overtones of this script.

Almost felt like a shakesphere play, the soothsayer giving a warning that is not heeded.

But it fell a tad short for me. Why Isaac? What's he done? The transition into and desire, was good, but not knowing the character always limited the affect.

This script has Got something but I don't feel delivers...yet.

Ps - good spot rendezvous on the typo


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Revision History (1 edits)
Reef Dreamer  -  May 26th, 2015, 8:42am
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I read the entire script, so that's something, right?

Writing-wise, it's OK, but you have a habit of omitting your subject in many sentences, which makes them read poorly, and also can lead to confusion on who or what it is you're referencing.  There are some obvious spelling errors and a few little snags here and there, but otherwise, not bad by any means.

Story-wise, this didn't do much for me, but that's just my opinion, as you definitely had something in mind and it kept me in till the end.

For me, the read was a bit slow and the payoff wasn't worth the price of admission...probably because this was rushed and the time necessary to flesh this out wasn't taken or available.

It's not a bad effort by any means.  But, it's also not a memorable tale and my bet is that it will be quickly forgotten.

Best of luck going forward and thanks for entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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The title's not the best. Sounds like the slogan for some insurance company. Seeing as I haven't read it yet this may be the idea.

I doubt the Close direction in the opening is needed. It's just gonna put some noses out of joint from the off. Plus it does little else, apart from shifting metaphorical noses. Eh?

I'm getting a biblical theme from some of these names. Either that or we're in a very Jewish area.

Hmm. I finished it, sadly it didn't quite work out as well as I hoped. It starts off pretty good, apart from the odd typo.

I got a theme about life's journey maybe. But I didn't quite follow what some of it was supposed to mean. Some of the encounters felt too random. I also think the budget would be blown on ageing make up.

I think the main problem was I didn't particularly care for Isaac. So I wasn't bothered what happened to him.

I'm gonna look at other comments to see what they got...

Ooh...


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hence the regions overtones of this script.


Hmm, Reef seems to think it's about geography. Either that or his keyboard is broken.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Gum
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I really enjoyed this lil' creepshow conundrum; manage your inequalities before they manage you... Ack! goes bill the Cat.

I guess the vibe I'm getting here is "always do the right thing".  Choices, and the notion that we guide ourselves in a free will system. Left, right, up, down. Everyone pays homage to the supernatural when a series of events transpire to put someone like Isaac in his place... but where's his free will to live? The gun in his hand I guess.

Anyway, I like to imagine the incalculable amount of events that need to transpire on any given day, in anyone's life, to ensure absolutely 'nothing' happens.  There's got to be someone (or something) watching over us. But even the watchers (eventually) make a decision, as to whether the life their protecting is worth saving; choose wisely and live.

I really dig the concept of these final decision makers you created here; the old man and his ever morphing daughter, they're creepy and surreal indeed. I also think if they had names or a (collective) name like "The Watchers" (or whatever) they would present as this gothic archetype that demands to be respected. Well done.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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A Twilight Zone/Tales of the Crypt type entry which doesnít make any sense. However, these types of extreme 'What if?' tales are just like that so it fits; itís all just a bit of fun.

A couple of formatting things. Some screenwriting software sets Auto-Continues on by default, which is quite annoying. Turn them off so your characters donít (CONTíD) all the time. Thereís a few typos and times when your dialogue has no character, so this just needs a proof read; nothing serious as these are all rushed first drafts I imagine.  Iíve already spotted numerous errors in mineÖdoh!

Your protagonist is a dick with paedophilic tendencies so I wanted him to die horribly from the very start. I found it hard to even believe he would be involved in any gainful employment at all; without getting fired quickly that is. Maybe that is the point but his character doesnít have any redeemable features, doesnít transform, or go through any development; I couldnít identify at all with him, so I didnít care.

The supernatural morality elevator is a good idea and it is nicely written. I had no trouble following the story. The challenges Isaac faced were subtle at first with the wallet but it quickly escalated into the surreal, with Isaac facing no choice at all; shoot someone or die a very painful terrifying death.

The ending I could see coming a mile off and I was quite glad it was all over. Make me care a bit more for Isaac, make me think he was a guy who had good qualities as well as bad but is just having a really bad day or something. People are rarely that one-dimensional, even in a Tales from the Crypt episode.

Gratz on taking part, this was a very imaginative piece to put together in such a short time frame so well done.

-Mark


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MarkRenshaw  -  May 26th, 2015, 6:13am
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one as far as it went.  Has a surreal feel as our delivery man ages, kills, and then dies.  I'm not sure what the aging has to do with things except to drive him to supposedly kill the girl.  But then, it might be just a bad dream.  I would probably like it better if there were some setup for the weird elevator.  As it reads, it's just the luck of the draw.  And a good reason why Isaac is the one chosen.

Best
Richard
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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one.
Isaac is an unlikable character but I found him quite entertaining.
The ending didn't quite payoff for me. Might need a bit more reasoning behind all this, or maybe this building just attracts assholes!
No real complaints.
4/5

Revision History (1 edits)
SteveDiablo  -  May 26th, 2015, 7:35pm
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wonkavite
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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I give the writer of this one credit for a vivid imagination.  Interesting setup, with creative twists and turns with the girl.  Not really quite sure of the logic for how it all wrapped up, but whoever wrote it *is* a solid, competant writer.  So kudos on that.  A fun read.  
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this! The imagery is paced perfectly, and the writer said it well.

If I had to nitpick, I wasn't digging the VO. It would've helped if we had a voice description to add to the caller, just so we know we're not dealing with any ghostly cheese. The caller's dialogue came across generic to me.

Great tension with Issac and the teenager - mega creepy - and it added a layer to Issac in the process. But I didn't see that aspect come back into play other than it could've been another bad decision on his part.

Awesome detail with Issac's elderly form. I enjoyed his reaction to the situation.

Good work!

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Simon
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was well written, but justice and revenge seem to be pretty common topics for this challenge.


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