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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Going Down - OWC
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  Author    Going Down - OWC  (currently 2674 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Going Down by Anonymous - Short, Thriller, Horror - An elevator reunites a woman with her two exes -- one a pudgy gentleman; the other a suave, abusive creep. 8 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Umm,

Not bad.  A few mistakes with who does what.  Once again, we have a random event with no explanation of why.  Or how.

It was pretty good, the end doesn't quite make sense...

6/10


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't float my boat...but I think there is something in this.

Claroty let this down a tad- felt rushed

Got potential, but needs work


My scripts  HERE

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rendevous
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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There's an idea here, and I've read worse, much worse, but I thought it was underbaked. I think, understandably, it was done in a hurry. With more polish it might work.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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khamanna
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:03am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi,

THe idea of a girl meeting her ex's in an elevator is a good one. But the action confused me in this one.
I am wondering what Mitch was doing when Zane started his fight with Amy. Zane lifted her skirt and removed her underwear. Slowly, you said. How's that possible for Amy then to not be able to resist but she was able to dial 911. Also, what was Mitch doing? Why he's "tremling in horror" at the very beginning - at the very beginnign when he just saw Zane?

Also, they get inside the elevator only on the third page.

And, at the beginnig it says AMY (VO) - think it's a typo.

Revision History (1 edits)
khamanna  -  May 25th, 2015, 5:18am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I was all in for the premise. But the first page threw me out to left field. Why is Amy in voice over? I'm looking right at her. Zane has yet to appear, he's a voice over. So this is a memory. Mitch comes along. Then Zane actually shows up...stroking his beard. As the script progresses he is seen as a more demonic stereotypical figure. She's being attacked. Mitch stands around. (Hey, even if Zane is a thug and could look like he could stomp you like a bug, I have trouble with Mitch just standing there while Amy gets her underwear ripped off, y'know? Not even a protest!)

Zane and Mitch start to struggle (what took him?) and description gets a bit hokey. Zane turns out more and more to be...some sort of demon(?!) which didn't make much sense given the premise. Then when Amy and Mitch get to the lobby, Zane disappears as if he was a demonic enity. Okay. I'm okay with that.I mean, it isn't all in her head, Mitch was there, eventually struggling with Zane and getting subdued by the guard in a case of mistaken identity.

If you ended it right there I would have liked this script. Instead, you...oh no you didn't! Zane does not exist. Mitch does not exist. The event may have never have happened. There isn't any event seen in this script that took place.


Quoted Text
Amy walks into the psychiatrist’s office and closes the door
behind her.


That one line makes me hate your script. Yep. This one thing. It is equal to that of a narrative cheat. It is a writer's trope of explaining away something so crazy that makes no sense "it's all just a nightmare/dream" it "didn't really happen". It's a lazy way out. Had the script started in the psych office or on the way to the office (going up) it might have worked better. But for now- it feels like a cop-out.







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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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So if Zane didn't exist, why did Mitch see him too? Mitch is obviously real as he was wrestled tot he ground by the Officer... unless the Officer wasn't real too.

4 out of 10.


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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - a little confusion in the start:


Quoted Text
AMY -- early thirties and pretty -- walks toward the
elevator and stops.
AMY (V.O.)
(crying)
No! Stop! Zane! You’re hurting me!
A male voice chuckles wickedly.
AMY (V.O.)
Zane!
A slapping sound.
AMY (V.O.)
Creep.
Amy has a smile on her face. She appears relaxed.
AMY (V.O.)
(sighs)
Mitch, I don’t know how to say
this.[quote]


It has all these V.O.s yet Amy is in fact in the scene. Maybe I'm missing something - but this threw me for a loop right out of the gate.

Now at where Amy is being raped by Zane and Mitch is just watching until a full page later??????

Okay - at the end now - got what you were doing. So - an interesting idea but the execution creates too much confusion along the way. Most notably this - is Amy the only insane one? That why is Mitch imagining all those things too?????

There is some nice writing here and there - but there are logistical problems with the story.  






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http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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First page makes zero sense.  Why all the V.O.?

Dialogue on page 2 is not remotely good.  Extremely forced and fake.

I'm sorry, but that's all I can take.  Needs lots and lots of work.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Gum
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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OK, this was intriguing… in a perverted/animalistic kind of way. I’m glad I stayed with it to the end, because it made for a more realistic scenario.

I’m just curious, as are others I presume, as to what is real vs. illusion regarding Amy’s bout of psychosis. I’d like to think the title was a well thought out metaphor pointing to her degrading sanity, perhaps it is. If this is your first time out, it’s pretty good IMO.

Some of the dialog makes Amy appear too complacent to this strange public violation, as well as being OTN. It’s entirely possible her ex was so abusive, that now she’s just running on ‘triggers’, that is, following routine patterns of obsession in his presence, she is after all heading to see her shrink. Hmm… I may even come back to this. It’s bizarre in a good way.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think you need the VO at the start, show not tell... I'd start with them meeting at the lift.

Mitch lets Zane take Amy's underwear off, when she's clearly protesting??? Sorry don't buy that reaction at all.

Zane is the devil? How'd Mitch knock him out so easily then?

The end implies Amy is mad? But Mitch shared the 'incident' sorry, I'm lost.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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EWall433
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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This showed some promise, but it’s held back some. For one, Zane is described in a comically evil way. I expected him to start twisting his moustache, but he was already stroking his beard. Maybe this makes sense, considering he’s a projection of Amy’s subconscious, but it still comes off as too much. I think the pacing was also off here. Zane barges onto the elevator and is sexually assaulting Amy almost immediately. It could’ve used more build. I also think Mitch is wasted as a character. Considering what this is supposed to be, it seems more interesting to just keep it between Amy and Zane and let it build up instead of going straight to 10.

In the end it turns out Zane is a figment of Amy and Mitch’s imagination. Then it turns out Mitch is also a figment of Amy’s imagination. This is strange because a cop tackled him to the ground and tried to arrest him for Zane’s actions. So the cop is a figment too. But then, the cop was the one who pointed out that Zane was a figment. So maybe Zane was really there and it’s the cop who was a figment! Or maybe he was trying to arrest Amy for assaulting herself.

“Amy walks into the psychiatrist’s office and closes the door behind her. “

Wait for me!
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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This one is off the reservation who or what is real is beyond me. Zane appears to be a figment and maybe Mitch is too. Is so, we really don't have much of a story. If she is seeing these men in her mind, so what. Her problems have no impact in the real world. Mental issues for the sake of mental issues are not interesting for me.

Best
Richard
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wonkavite
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

I think the writer of this one is newish.  Which shows - though there's certainly room to grow and improve.  It's an interesting premise that could be played many ways.  But this particular execution needs work. The action of the characters is strange - rather non-organic.  (Just one example... Neither Mitch nor Amy put up much of an initial fight against Zane... to the point that he's able to actually slide her underwear off?!?  Wow, that's one passive group of elevator riders!)    Yes, I do get that it turns out that Zane is in Amy's mind.  But that still doesn't explain exactly why Mitch was going along with it.  And if he's part of the delusion too.... it just comes off as a bit much to me.  Kind of like when stories end with "it was all a dream."  I like to have a bit of reality in my scripts... at least a mixture, 50/50.

Still - congrats on the OWC!  It's a fun experience, and a great way to test the writing waters!  
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this one didn't quite work. I'm thinking the writer might be on the newer side of screenwriting. There are lots of things that don't make sense or doesn't even work.

First off, I don't think we need Amy's V.O. in the beginning. You can establish that Amy knows both Mitch and Zane after they show up. Through dialogue would be easy.

The whole "action thingy" in the middle doesn't really make sense. I would encourage the writer to pretend to film this him or herself. Try to figure out how those written pages would play out on film. When Zane fights with Amy, what is Mitch doing? Is he just standing there? Zane wrestles with Amy who's trying to fight back, but somehow Zane manages to pull her panties down? And slowly too?? Again, what is Mitch doing during all this? Just staring at her ass?

I think the premise here is alright. Although, I can't say I was a fan of the hell thing, but having a woman stuck in an elevator with two exes, is actually pretty good.


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