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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Going Down - OWC
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  Author    Going Down - OWC  (currently 2676 views)
Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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This one needs a good mechanic to check under the hood. The idea is promising enough, given the parameters, but the ride is a little rough.

The voice-over device at the beginning doesn't work that well, athough I understand its purpose. Things get almost comical (maybe deliberately?) when Zane removes Amy's underwear without much trouble. Mitch seems occupied by trying not to look rather than helping Amy. Somehow, though, this flounder of man is punching and knocking Zane unconscious.

The Zane-is-not-there ending doesn't fly because there's no internal logic to make us accept it. I suspect the writer doesn't know what happened, either.

None these drawbacks are fatal. My recommendation: Think it through again, work on pacing and form.




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Stumpzian  -  May 31st, 2015, 7:42am
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nawazm11
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Oh, man, I'm not sure about this. I have to be honest, it was very funny (deliberately or not deliberately), not because it was poorly written or anything. In fact, I thought it wasn't that badly written, enough so that a lot of the choices made me question whether this was a serious attempt by the writer or not. It's all just so very surreal and strange, Zane being a total psycho and then suddenly not being a psycho, and then being a psycho again.

And then the whole police comes in, walks away, and the office out of no where, I'm really not sure what to make of all this. Dustin brings up a great point actually, it kind of neglects the whole story in fact.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Don't know what to make of this one. I don't get it.

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cloroxmartini  -  May 29th, 2015, 7:39am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Thereís a very interesting idea here but the writer doesnít, at present, possess the skill necessary to get the story across clearly. I suspect from the writing itís a newish writer, if so just keep on writing and refining and youíll get there as this shows potential.

As it was and as many have said already, the opening with the VOís is very confusing and threw me off. You can lose people on the first couple of pages if you are not careful. The genre in the logline is horror but this doesnít read like a horror, the characters and action seems almost comical at times but I do like the idea of Amy being a bit nuts and we donít know what is real or imagined.

And of course, you get points for setting this in or around and elevator on a shoestring budget so kudos for entering this OWC.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good job on completing an entry into the challenge.

Unfortunately, it's not for me.  Many mistakes with descriptions.  Zane doing whatever he wanted with the other guy just standing there.  Just not very believable to me.  Thanks for letting me read it though and finishing the challenge.  It did take place in an elevator.  Good luck.


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Max
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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The V.O confused me straight from the get go, I wasn't too sure what was happening there. Perhaps you were looking for O.S instead?

I couldn't get into this one, sorry. The stacked writing ain't my style, it seems like padding to me but that's to be expected sometimes because it's hard to get everything fleshed out in a challenge like this.

I thought you could've smoothed the script out, and the concept if you had more time.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Oh wow two pages of talky dialogue that feels like it's going no where. Not a good way to start dude.

I liked the concept from the start...could see some conflict in an elevator with two exes so very very good concept worth reworking perhaps. These things get rushed but at least you completed an OWC ...good on you for that
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Going Down

Opening lacks because of the V.O.s. It's not dragging in but I see you need the build up that way. So...? Give it another taste at least.

Don't know why you didn't show Mitch's direct reaction to Zane abusing Amy. It reads as if he disappeared suddenly. ( @ ah, I see now, perhaps the first hint of the resolution later)

The script is charming in some parts. Easy to film. Skill's in case of plotting are there. Don't know if it's enough to deeply impress yet.



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