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While competantly written, this one didn't work for me. Or rather, it mostly did until the appearance of Mr. Urban Legend. And especially after he gets his compeuppance. It was just so... out of the blue and weird. If it had been something else (like, for instance, the haunted Japanese school girl in an elevator trope), I think I would've taken to this one alot better.
1) The writer is one of the new guys. 2) The writer is the same guy who wrote one of the two Bunny Man entries in the Feb. OWC.
The first theory holds water, as there are random and inconsistent typos and grammar problems.
"Allright" instead of "all right" or "alright."
The superimpose should have a comma in between Clifton and Virginia. And since we know it's Virginia, is USA really necessary?
The second theory holds water for obvious reasons. Why the Bunny Man? Why not the chupacabra? Then again, people would have thought I wrote it. All this tension (that was quite effective, and actually worked the whole time) came to a screeching halt when Bugs entered the story. Bugs Bunny isn't scary. Elmer Fudd isn't scary. Fluffy is not scary.
The RITA (ON PHONE) got annoying. Just use (V.O.) when a character is on the phone or on TV and can't be seen.
But the writing was good. 7.8/10 (And I'm being generous.)
This was an interesting, creative and tense story until the Bunnyman turned up. Pity as this showed a lot of promise but then again, with such a build-up the reveal would have to be an incredible payoff, so I’m not surprised the author chose to have a giggle instead.
The instructions via cellphone is something we’ve not seen in this OWC and was a good mechanism, as was the dialling different floors like some kind of supernatural Stargate. I was really interested to see where this lead and felt disappointed with where it ended.
Regarding ‘PhoneGate’ I’ve just looked up several scripts. Some use VO, some use INTO PHONE and some, namely Mean Girls and Notting Hill, simply state in the action that the characters are on the phone with no VO or anything of the sort. So again, there’s no set in stone rule here but the guideline is, anything which takes the reader out of the story is not a good idea. The repeating of INTO PHONE distracted and took me out of the screenplay, so I’d suggest you establish at the beginning they are on the phone and leave it there.
Great set-up, disappointing ending but funny and another creative entry in this OWC so well done for entertaining us.
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Tension was building well. This had the potential to be really good and then… Bunnyman. It sends the whole thing in a comic direction, but it’s a joke that can only really be understood if you’re aware of the Bunnyman scripts from last challenge. Unfortunately, by my definition, that makes this a pisser. Damn.
Was about to put this one away, but who can resist a good pisser. Unfortunately, besides the appearance of the bunny man, this wasn't very good. Didn't laugh, which is unfortunate since you should've gone full throttle. I mean, it was pretty obvious that this was a pisser at the end, but before that, I was still a little iffy. Oh well.
I'm kind of split on the Bunnyman. The character is brought in with a bit of campy humor but I thought the threat would be more ghost-like. Like a Ju-On/ Grudge sort of thing. Wouldn't something like that have been better?
I think you could have spelled out the numbers in dialog. "4" "10-" etc.