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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Game - OWC
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  Author    Elevator Game - OWC  (currently 4195 views)
Gum
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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The next one in the series MUST be labeled ‘The Bunny Man Cometh’. Seriously though, you built the sh!t out of the tension, and I was ‘jonesing’ to see what happens next… then:

“Prepare for a fatal tickling, Sadie”

That sadistic bastard… is there no end to his depravity?

The ending is funny as f*ck.  Do not change a thing.


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DaveTroop
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know about this one.

I liked the premise of the elevator game.  If you press elevator buttons in a special sequence, you will summon a creature from another dimension.  That's cool.

But, next time, maybe pick something more scary than the BUNNYMAN.

All the business with Rita on the phone got tiring to read. And spell out the numbers when you use them in dialogue.  I also caught the Sadie/Sade switching.

Trim down and tighten up some of the repetitive description.

I enjoyed this up until you know who appeared.  I think this could be very cool with a different, less cuddly  monster.  

Nice job
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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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)) The Bunny Man?

While competantly written, this one didn't work for me.  Or rather, it mostly did until the appearance of Mr. Urban Legend.  And especially after he gets his compeuppance.  It was just so... out of the blue and weird.  If it had been something else (like, for instance, the haunted Japanese school girl in an elevator trope), I think I would've taken to this one alot better.  

Goofy and imaginative - but not for me.  
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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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This was alright, has some decent build-up, but the payoff was disappointing.

I'm not 100% sure, but I believe some of the paranethicals are misplaced: RITA(ON PHONE) should be
RITA
(on phone)

and should be spaces between names and ages, but apart from that it was written well.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Two theories:

1) The writer is one of the new guys.
2) The writer is the same guy who wrote one of the two Bunny Man entries in the Feb. OWC.

The first theory holds water, as there are random and inconsistent typos and grammar problems.

"Allright" instead of "all right" or "alright."

The superimpose should have a comma in between Clifton and Virginia. And since we know it's Virginia, is USA really necessary?

The second theory holds water for obvious reasons. Why the Bunny Man? Why not the chupacabra? Then again, people would have thought I wrote it. All this tension (that was quite effective, and actually worked the whole time) came to a screeching halt when Bugs entered the story. Bugs Bunny isn't scary. Elmer Fudd isn't scary. Fluffy is not scary.

The RITA (ON PHONE) got annoying. Just use (V.O.) when a character is on the phone or on TV and can't be seen.

But the writing was good. 7.8/10 (And I'm being generous.)


FADE IN:
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting, creative and tense story until the Bunnyman turned up. Pity as this showed a lot of promise but then again, with such a build-up the reveal would have to be an incredible payoff, so I’m not surprised the author chose to have a giggle instead.

The instructions via cellphone is something we’ve not seen in this OWC and was a good mechanism, as was the dialling different floors like some kind of supernatural Stargate. I was really interested to see where this lead and felt disappointed with where it ended.

Regarding ‘PhoneGate’ I’ve just looked up several scripts. Some use VO, some use INTO PHONE and some, namely Mean Girls and Notting Hill, simply state in the action that the characters are on the phone with no VO or anything of the sort. So again, there’s no set in stone rule here but the guideline is, anything which takes the reader out of the story is not a good idea. The repeating of INTO PHONE distracted and took me out of the screenplay, so I’d suggest you establish at the beginning they are on the phone and leave it there.

Great set-up, disappointing ending but funny and another creative entry in this OWC so well done for entertaining us.

-Mark


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EWall433
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Tension was building well. This had the potential to be really good and then… Bunnyman. It sends the whole thing in a comic direction, but it’s a joke that can only really be understood if you’re aware of the Bunnyman scripts from last challenge. Unfortunately, by my definition, that makes this a pisser. Damn.

On the bright side, it actually had an ending.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I'm trying to imagine what I'd think of this if I hadn't read two Bunny Man scripts in the previous OWC.  I think I would express myself this way: "Huh?"

I wonder whether the writer coincidentally chose the Bunny Man or knew full well Mr. Man had made the earlier appearances. I suspect the latter.

Such inside jokes are risky. Some readers will laugh, some will be annoyed, others mystified. I, for one, felt as if I'd been pranked.

The set-up had me interested -- the girls working the elevator buttons as if opening a safe. Aside from some format things and a few other miscues, it was effective.







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DS
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Went well till the Bunny Man showed up.


The other way around here, felt underwhelming until the Bunny Man popped up for me. I do hope this isn't the last we'll be seeing of the Bunny Man and his fluffy tail.

These shorts can be a good entertaining variety between reads for the OWC as long as they come in small doses imo. One or two per OWC could work, more than that and it's likely to get very annoying.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Was about to put this one away, but who can resist a good pisser. Unfortunately, besides the appearance of the bunny man, this wasn't very good. Didn't laugh, which is unfortunate since you should've gone full throttle. I mean, it was pretty obvious that this was a pisser at the end, but before that, I was still a little iffy. Oh well.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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I'm kind of split on the Bunnyman. The character is brought in with a bit of campy humor but I thought the threat would be more ghost-like. Like a Ju-On/ Grudge sort of thing. Wouldn't something like that have been better?

I think you could have spelled out the numbers in dialog. "4" "10-" etc.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Elevator Game

I think it's not enough. The appearance of the Bunny Man implies that you're not completely convinced of it either.

Still, you brought something solid on paper in this tough challenge.



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