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Elevator Game - OWC (currently 5027 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:39am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Elevator Game by 0 - Short, Horror - Two girls risk supernatural forces when they play the Elevator Game. 6 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:06am |
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Guest User
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Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. Well written aside from some overwriting here and there. All those carrots might push the budget up a tad. Of course, carrots are not that expensive. I prefer mine roasted.
It has some comedy value. 5 carrots out of 10. |
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khamanna |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:57pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
This review contains SPOILERS:
So they are in the other world and doing the elevator game. I thought the twist - them being in the other world is really good and you can do a lot with it. I didn't get why they were doing it though. And why the bunny man... The comedy at the end seems like you switched genres as there was no comedy at the beginning of it. Game - sounds intriquing and the twist too - I think you could think it through some more. |
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currentcmine |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:23pm |
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New Perspective without distortion.
LocationSherman Oaks, CA Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Good tensioners. Looks like you were after an offbeat ending but couldn't quite make it consistent with the desperate tone that was set. Give it some more thought. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:11pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Twisted little tale. Like the idea of a secret combination to the elevator buttons. Decent enough build-up and the reveal (and sudden reversal in tone) of the Bunny Man was not at all what I was expecting.
One niggle would be to include a new slug for the change in location on p.5 -- moving outside the elevator.
A short and smooth read. Though I liked the horror vibe you were building on, would've been interesting to see where that could've taken you.
Steve |
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DanC |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:28pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
A smooth read. I didn't find it extremely exciting. It was overwritten.
It's the Candyman legacy. I get that. I just don't see what they achieved.
I didn't get the end.
6/10 |
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LC |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:24pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7584 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I looked at this 'Dangerous Elevator Games' and pondered writing a script around it too, but didn't think it had anywhere to go. It appears you thought the same and intro'd The Bunnyman - which is about where I, no offense, tuned out. Is the author who I think it is? Just have to wait and see. Re the writing, I would have liked more atmosphere/description of the actual elevator and the character inside it. The writing distanced me and I had no real sense of the visuals with regard to what you were depicting i.e., her in the elevator car. Some clumsy formatting here and there too. Still, this is a 'light' entry imh and in the scheme of things not really a 'mug' contender but you definitely had some fun with it. A quick read, despite my gripes. Put a bit more effort in next time. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Well written.
I thought some of the dialogue was a bit older than what a 16 year old character would say (beckoning comes to mind).
I was going right along with this and then we hit the Bunny Man - did not care for that plot point. I thought it derailed an otherwise worthy tale. |
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rendevous |
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:10am |
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Old Timer Away
LocationOver there. Posts2354 Posts Per Day 0.43 |
The writer seems to have a bit of trouble with the space bar, in that they could have used it a bit more in spots. Maybe they broke one years ago.
I got a bit tired reading 'on phone' in brackets. (V.O.) would have helped instead.
I wasn't buying it. There's some interesting ideas, but the dialogue needs polishing up, as do the descriptions. The end would need a bit of work as well.
Perhaps I may be being over harsh. If so, my apologies.
It would be cheap to film and you managed to keep it in or around a lift, which is more than can be said for quite a few others.
R |
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Simon |
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:52am |
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New English, self taught comedy writer
LocationLondon Posts175 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
The bit about the Bunny Man was great. Not what I was expecting, which made it better. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:50pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Oh for fucks sake...bunny man.
What next cowboy Sam, madam putz etc
Until that point it lacked depth and connection but it was dynamic. I wanted to know here it was going. Well done.
We where left with why, what will happen, is there a reason.
So, my conclusion is that the lift method, the lift game, has something...but not with bunny boy. Even with a big fat carrot .. Saucy boy.
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
A connected script from the preious OWC funny!
Well writen, the twist is funny, unexpected and bizarre in equal measure.
Nice
Anthony |
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RichardR |
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:59pm |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
This one was going along great until bunny man. Sorry, that didn't work for me. It turned tension into lark.
Best Richard |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:40pm |
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The first pisser I've come across, and sadly, I know who wrote this. All this up and down travel takes time, so unless you're cutting things out and not showing all, it doesn't make any sense. Lots of spelling errors and at times Sadie is called "Sade"...not sure if that's intential or not. Finally, I've never heard of the Elevator Game, nor does it seem to make any sense, but who knows. NO MORE BUNNY MAN, you arsehole!!! |
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c m hall |
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:43am |
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New
Locationpeninsula of Jersey Posts422 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
SPOILERS Great girls. I love that Sadie sniffs to clear her head when her courage almost fails. And I love the ending. The story will engage the audience, many will try to remember the sequence of elevator numbers pushed... and Sadie joins the ranks of folk hero. Great girl. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Gum |
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:32pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
The next one in the series MUST be labeled ‘The Bunny Man Cometh’. Seriously though, you built the sh!t out of the tension, and I was ‘jonesing’ to see what happens next… then:
“Prepare for a fatal tickling, Sadie”
That sadistic bastard… is there no end to his depravity?
The ending is funny as f*ck. Do not change a thing. |
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DaveTroop |
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:16pm |
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January Project Group
Locationat my desk Posts127 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I don't know about this one.
I liked the premise of the elevator game. If you press elevator buttons in a special sequence, you will summon a creature from another dimension. That's cool.
But, next time, maybe pick something more scary than the BUNNYMAN.
All the business with Rita on the phone got tiring to read. And spell out the numbers when you use them in dialogue. I also caught the Sadie/Sade switching.
Trim down and tighten up some of the repetitive description.
I enjoyed this up until you know who appeared. I think this could be very cool with a different, less cuddly monster.
Nice job |
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wonkavite |
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:39pm |
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Guest User
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)) The Bunny Man? While competantly written, this one didn't work for me. Or rather, it mostly did until the appearance of Mr. Urban Legend. And especially after he gets his compeuppance. It was just so... out of the blue and weird. If it had been something else (like, for instance, the haunted Japanese school girl in an elevator trope), I think I would've taken to this one alot better. Goofy and imaginative - but not for me. |
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SteveDiablo |
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:56pm |
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Posts60 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
This was alright, has some decent build-up, but the payoff was disappointing.
I'm not 100% sure, but I believe some of the paranethicals are misplaced: RITA(ON PHONE) should be RITA (on phone)
and should be spaces between names and ages, but apart from that it was written well.
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ChrisBodily |
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:15pm |
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January Project Group
Posts572 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Two theories: 1) The writer is one of the new guys. 2) The writer is the same guy who wrote one of the two Bunny Man entries in the Feb. OWC. The first theory holds water, as there are random and inconsistent typos and grammar problems. "Allright" instead of "all right" or "alright." The superimpose should have a comma in between Clifton and Virginia. And since we know it's Virginia, is USA really necessary? The second theory holds water for obvious reasons. Why the Bunny Man? Why not the chupacabra? Then again, people would have thought I wrote it. All this tension (that was quite effective, and actually worked the whole time) came to a screeching halt when Bugs entered the story. Bugs Bunny isn't scary. Elmer Fudd isn't scary. Fluffy is not scary. The RITA (ON PHONE) got annoying. Just use (V.O.) when a character is on the phone or on TV and can't be seen. But the writing was good. 7.8/10 (And I'm being generous.) |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:54am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
This was an interesting, creative and tense story until the Bunnyman turned up. Pity as this showed a lot of promise but then again, with such a build-up the reveal would have to be an incredible payoff, so I’m not surprised the author chose to have a giggle instead.
The instructions via cellphone is something we’ve not seen in this OWC and was a good mechanism, as was the dialling different floors like some kind of supernatural Stargate. I was really interested to see where this lead and felt disappointed with where it ended.
Regarding ‘PhoneGate’ I’ve just looked up several scripts. Some use VO, some use INTO PHONE and some, namely Mean Girls and Notting Hill, simply state in the action that the characters are on the phone with no VO or anything of the sort. So again, there’s no set in stone rule here but the guideline is, anything which takes the reader out of the story is not a good idea. The repeating of INTO PHONE distracted and took me out of the screenplay, so I’d suggest you establish at the beginning they are on the phone and leave it there.
Great set-up, disappointing ending but funny and another creative entry in this OWC so well done for entertaining us.
-Mark |
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EWall433 |
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:45am |
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New
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Tension was building well. This had the potential to be really good and then… Bunnyman. It sends the whole thing in a comic direction, but it’s a joke that can only really be understood if you’re aware of the Bunnyman scripts from last challenge. Unfortunately, by my definition, that makes this a pisser. Damn.
On the bright side, it actually had an ending. |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
I'm trying to imagine what I'd think of this if I hadn't read two Bunny Man scripts in the previous OWC. I think I would express myself this way: "Huh?"
I wonder whether the writer coincidentally chose the Bunny Man or knew full well Mr. Man had made the earlier appearances. I suspect the latter.
Such inside jokes are risky. Some readers will laugh, some will be annoyed, others mystified. I, for one, felt as if I'd been pranked.
The set-up had me interested -- the girls working the elevator buttons as if opening a safe. Aside from some format things and a few other miscues, it was effective.
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DS |
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:30am |
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Posts359 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Quoted from DustinBowcot Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. |
The other way around here, felt underwhelming until the Bunny Man popped up for me. I do hope this isn't the last we'll be seeing of the Bunny Man and his fluffy tail. These shorts can be a good entertaining variety between reads for the OWC as long as they come in small doses imo. One or two per OWC could work, more than that and it's likely to get very annoying. |
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nawazm11 |
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:07am |
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Been Around
Posts945 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Was about to put this one away, but who can resist a good pisser. Unfortunately, besides the appearance of the bunny man, this wasn't very good. Didn't laugh, which is unfortunate since you should've gone full throttle. I mean, it was pretty obvious that this was a pisser at the end, but before that, I was still a little iffy. Oh well. |
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DarrenJamesSeeley |
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 10:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationMichigan.USA Posts1522 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I'm kind of split on the Bunnyman. The character is brought in with a bit of campy humor but I thought the threat would be more ghost-like. Like a Ju-On/ Grudge sort of thing. Wouldn't something like that have been better?
I think you could have spelled out the numbers in dialog. "4" "10-" etc. |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 5:38pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Elevator Game
I think it's not enough. The appearance of the Bunny Man implies that you're not completely convinced of it either.
Still, you brought something solid on paper in this tough challenge. |
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