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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Game - OWC
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  Author    Elevator Game - OWC  (currently 4187 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Elevator Game by 0 - Short, Horror - Two girls risk supernatural forces when they play the Elevator Game. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. Well written aside from some overwriting here and there. All those carrots might push the budget up a tad. Of course, carrots are not that expensive. I prefer mine roasted.

It has some comedy value. 5 carrots out of 10.


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khamanna
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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This review contains SPOILERS:

So they are in the other world and doing the elevator game. I thought the twist - them being in the other world is really good and you can do a lot with it.
I didn't get why they were doing it though. And why the bunny man...
The comedy at the end seems like you switched genres as there was no comedy at the beginning of it.
Game - sounds intriquing and the twist too - I think you could think it through some more.
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currentcmine
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Good tensioners. Looks like you were after an offbeat ending but couldn't quite make it consistent with the desperate tone that was set. Give it some more thought.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Twisted little tale.  Like the idea of a secret combination to the elevator buttons.  Decent enough build-up and the reveal (and sudden reversal in tone) of the Bunny Man was not at all what I was expecting.    

One niggle would be to include a new slug for the change in location on p.5 -- moving outside the elevator.

A short and smooth read.  Though I liked the horror vibe you were building on, would've been interesting to see where that could've taken you.

Steve


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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A smooth read.  I didn't find it extremely exciting.  It was overwritten.

It's the Candyman legacy.  I get that.  I just don't see what they achieved.  

I didn't get the end.  

6/10


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LC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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I looked at this 'Dangerous Elevator Games' and pondered writing a script around it too, but didn't think it had anywhere to go. It appears you thought the same and intro'd The Bunnyman - which is about where I, no offense, tuned out. Is the author who I think it is? Just have to wait and see.

Re the writing, I would have liked more atmosphere/description of the actual elevator and the character inside it. The writing distanced me and I had no real sense of the visuals with regard to what you were depicting i.e., her in the elevator car. Some clumsy formatting here and there too. Still, this is a 'light' entry imh and in the scheme of things not really a 'mug' contender but you definitely had some fun with it. A quick read, despite my gripes. Put a bit more effort in next time.  


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eldave1
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.

I thought some of the dialogue was a bit older than what a 16 year old character would say (beckoning comes to mind).

I was going right along with this and then we hit the Bunny Man - did not care for that plot point. I thought it derailed an otherwise worthy tale.


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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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The writer seems to have a bit of trouble with the space bar, in that they could have used it a bit more in spots. Maybe they broke one years ago.

I got a bit tired reading 'on phone' in brackets. (V.O.) would have helped instead.

I wasn't buying it. There's some interesting ideas, but the dialogue needs polishing up, as do the descriptions. The end would need a bit of work as well.

Perhaps I may be being over harsh. If so, my apologies.

It would be cheap to film and you managed to keep it in or around a lift, which is more than can be said for quite a few others.

R  


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Simon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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The bit about the Bunny Man was great. Not what I was expecting, which made it better.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Oh for fucks sake...bunny man.

What next cowboy Sam, madam putz etc

Until that point it lacked depth and connection but it was dynamic. I wanted to know here it was going. Well done.

We where left with why, what will happen, is there a reason.

So, my conclusion is that the lift method, the lift game, has something...but not with bunny boy. Even with a big fat carrot .. Saucy boy.




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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A connected script from the preious OWC funny!

Well writen, the twist is funny, unexpected and bizarre in equal measure.

Nice

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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This one was going along great until bunny man. Sorry, that didn't work for me. It turned tension into lark.

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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The first pisser I've come across, and sadly, I know who wrote this.

All this up and down travel takes time, so unless you're cutting things out and not showing all, it doesn't make any sense.

Lots of spelling errors and at times Sadie is called "Sade"...not sure if that's intential or not.

Finally, I've never heard of the Elevator Game, nor does it seem to make any sense, but who knows.

NO MORE BUNNY MAN, you arsehole!!!  


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c m hall
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
Great girls.  I love that Sadie sniffs to clear her head when her courage almost fails.  
And I love the ending.  
The story will engage the audience, many will try to remember the sequence of elevator numbers pushed... and Sadie joins the ranks of folk hero.  Great girl.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  May 29th, 2015, 11:31am
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Gum
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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The next one in the series MUST be labeled ‘The Bunny Man Cometh’. Seriously though, you built the sh!t out of the tension, and I was ‘jonesing’ to see what happens next… then:

“Prepare for a fatal tickling, Sadie”

That sadistic bastard… is there no end to his depravity?

The ending is funny as f*ck.  Do not change a thing.


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DaveTroop
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know about this one.

I liked the premise of the elevator game.  If you press elevator buttons in a special sequence, you will summon a creature from another dimension.  That's cool.

But, next time, maybe pick something more scary than the BUNNYMAN.

All the business with Rita on the phone got tiring to read. And spell out the numbers when you use them in dialogue.  I also caught the Sadie/Sade switching.

Trim down and tighten up some of the repetitive description.

I enjoyed this up until you know who appeared.  I think this could be very cool with a different, less cuddly  monster.  

Nice job
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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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)) The Bunny Man?

While competantly written, this one didn't work for me.  Or rather, it mostly did until the appearance of Mr. Urban Legend.  And especially after he gets his compeuppance.  It was just so... out of the blue and weird.  If it had been something else (like, for instance, the haunted Japanese school girl in an elevator trope), I think I would've taken to this one alot better.  

Goofy and imaginative - but not for me.  
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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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This was alright, has some decent build-up, but the payoff was disappointing.

I'm not 100% sure, but I believe some of the paranethicals are misplaced: RITA(ON PHONE) should be
RITA
(on phone)

and should be spaces between names and ages, but apart from that it was written well.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Two theories:

1) The writer is one of the new guys.
2) The writer is the same guy who wrote one of the two Bunny Man entries in the Feb. OWC.

The first theory holds water, as there are random and inconsistent typos and grammar problems.

"Allright" instead of "all right" or "alright."

The superimpose should have a comma in between Clifton and Virginia. And since we know it's Virginia, is USA really necessary?

The second theory holds water for obvious reasons. Why the Bunny Man? Why not the chupacabra? Then again, people would have thought I wrote it. All this tension (that was quite effective, and actually worked the whole time) came to a screeching halt when Bugs entered the story. Bugs Bunny isn't scary. Elmer Fudd isn't scary. Fluffy is not scary.

The RITA (ON PHONE) got annoying. Just use (V.O.) when a character is on the phone or on TV and can't be seen.

But the writing was good. 7.8/10 (And I'm being generous.)


FADE IN:
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting, creative and tense story until the Bunnyman turned up. Pity as this showed a lot of promise but then again, with such a build-up the reveal would have to be an incredible payoff, so I’m not surprised the author chose to have a giggle instead.

The instructions via cellphone is something we’ve not seen in this OWC and was a good mechanism, as was the dialling different floors like some kind of supernatural Stargate. I was really interested to see where this lead and felt disappointed with where it ended.

Regarding ‘PhoneGate’ I’ve just looked up several scripts. Some use VO, some use INTO PHONE and some, namely Mean Girls and Notting Hill, simply state in the action that the characters are on the phone with no VO or anything of the sort. So again, there’s no set in stone rule here but the guideline is, anything which takes the reader out of the story is not a good idea. The repeating of INTO PHONE distracted and took me out of the screenplay, so I’d suggest you establish at the beginning they are on the phone and leave it there.

Great set-up, disappointing ending but funny and another creative entry in this OWC so well done for entertaining us.

-Mark


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EWall433
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Tension was building well. This had the potential to be really good and then… Bunnyman. It sends the whole thing in a comic direction, but it’s a joke that can only really be understood if you’re aware of the Bunnyman scripts from last challenge. Unfortunately, by my definition, that makes this a pisser. Damn.

On the bright side, it actually had an ending.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I'm trying to imagine what I'd think of this if I hadn't read two Bunny Man scripts in the previous OWC.  I think I would express myself this way: "Huh?"

I wonder whether the writer coincidentally chose the Bunny Man or knew full well Mr. Man had made the earlier appearances. I suspect the latter.

Such inside jokes are risky. Some readers will laugh, some will be annoyed, others mystified. I, for one, felt as if I'd been pranked.

The set-up had me interested -- the girls working the elevator buttons as if opening a safe. Aside from some format things and a few other miscues, it was effective.







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DS
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Went well till the Bunny Man showed up.


The other way around here, felt underwhelming until the Bunny Man popped up for me. I do hope this isn't the last we'll be seeing of the Bunny Man and his fluffy tail.

These shorts can be a good entertaining variety between reads for the OWC as long as they come in small doses imo. One or two per OWC could work, more than that and it's likely to get very annoying.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Was about to put this one away, but who can resist a good pisser. Unfortunately, besides the appearance of the bunny man, this wasn't very good. Didn't laugh, which is unfortunate since you should've gone full throttle. I mean, it was pretty obvious that this was a pisser at the end, but before that, I was still a little iffy. Oh well.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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I'm kind of split on the Bunnyman. The character is brought in with a bit of campy humor but I thought the threat would be more ghost-like. Like a Ju-On/ Grudge sort of thing. Wouldn't something like that have been better?

I think you could have spelled out the numbers in dialog. "4" "10-" etc.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Elevator Game

I think it's not enough. The appearance of the Bunny Man implies that you're not completely convinced of it either.

Still, you brought something solid on paper in this tough challenge.



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