SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 15th, 2021, 1:45pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The April Challenge has been updated/clarified

to SimplyScripts.com/OWC


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Tales of Horror - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tales of Horror - OWC  (currently 4195 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14485
Posts Per Day
1.96
Tales of Horror presents: The Game Room forth ed. by Godzilla loves virgins + Debra Desch - Short, Horror - Death isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
currentcmine
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
New


Perspective without distortion.

Location
Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Grisly, graphic, and over budget. Not much character development aside from the surface traits of blood lust and carnal thrill. Perchta is too much like a deus ex machine for my taste.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 41
Simon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
New


English, self taught comedy writer

Location
London
Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.08
Rick needs to chill the fuck out.


Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page https://www.facebook.com/The-Unsubscribe-Tribe-157356154842321/
.... or my Twitter page https://twitter.com/TheUnsubTribe (Ideally follow both).  I will return the favour. Also, check out the Unsubscribe trailer... :O :O :O https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kDbJm1VhSI
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 41
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3532
Posts Per Day
1.30
Not for me this one, saw no real reason for Perchata to rock up and interfere and you lost me at that point.

Couple of bits caught my attention...
Really good looking - bit of a lzy description
Amber should be AMBER first time we're instroduced

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 41
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
319
Posts Per Day
0.10
Congrats on entering.

Interesting sexual horror piece set up like a Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt kind of show.  A few mistakes like the "an an" on page 2 and a lot of (IMO) unnecessary setup at the beginning.  There were also multiple times you told us something in the action line, then said it in the dialogue. Take it out of the action line or dialogue and it will read much better.

Budget is modest with some special effects makeup work but not too bad.  Good luck.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 41
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74
Alas it didn't do it for me. Actually I found it a tad dull.

I'm not one for whether this fits the criteria, but it's fair to say it's light on the liift and heavy on tthe torture room' warehouse etc

The weakness part for me is the lack of depth, and reader connection. Do I care whether Amber dies, do I care if Rick dies, or is in bondage for a thousand years...no. I have no reason to be so.

Others will probably find this better, I'm not into this kind of script.

I don't mean to be harsh, but that's how I feel.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 41
Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.86
Code

He laughs the
entire time, until she fades from view.



I'm out with this line. This is deliberately bad... it has to be. I was laughing all the way till here but this is just too much... now you're playing with me.

1 out of 10.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 41
eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6460
Posts Per Day
2.64
Not a recommend from me. I don't mind gore - but this one was gory for the sake of gory in my opinion.

This line really was a WTF for me:


Quoted Text
RICK
(screams at her)
You took the thrill from me. You
denied me f---king you as you died.


Wait - that was after he stabbed her a dozen times and slashed her throat - right? He didn't expect her to die from that?

Anyway - this one is a pass for me. Sorry.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 41
Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.35
Damnit...I really hate bagging out so early, whether or not anyone realizes.

I'm sorry, but I have to be honest.  Absolutely nothing is working here early on.  Nothing seems remotely real or believable.  The writing itself also isn't working and is probably the reason everything seems so "off".

Dialogue is the what terminally buries this, though.  Doesn't work even remotely.

I'm sorry...I really am.  I don't mean to be harsh, but for me this is a complete misfire out of the gate, and although I stayed around until the middle of page 2, I knew I should leave about a 3rd of the way down page 1.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 41
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1499
Posts Per Day
0.39
p5
She does this.
She does that.
She feels a blade enter her back (ah! but do I see it?)
She spins...
She Drops...

Then after she dies she is revealed to be "PERCHTA" the 'hunt goddess' and then after those first few pages of sadistic glee, the tables are turned and she dishes out the sadism. She more or less switches the twirling mustache with Rick. Perchta is an odd choice, because her actions don't exactly correspond with the mythology. Not even close. In any case, I wasn't a fan of the Invisible Man / horror host bookends. There wasn't a bit of irony in it nor a punchline of coffin humor.

Y'know what would have been nuts? If you let Amber either fight off Rick and/or outwit him without the Perchta angle or, if you're going to go supernatural and have a vengeful spirit/spirits or pagan god take revenge have them resurrect that body count.

As you might suspect, this did very little for me.
And what is more sad is that, yes, you had the chops to be really effective. Instead you settle for cheese. Blood for the sake of blood isn't always make good horror.




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  May 27th, 2015, 4:21pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 9 - 41
DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51
I don't think it's as bad as some made it out to be.

I think it is too focused on blood and gore, that's true.

But, a few positives:

1.  It's a complete story.

2.  It did use a lift, kinda.

3.  It's not too expensive to shoot, some blood and a prosthetic or 3.

4.  I thought the juxtaposition was interesting.  She goes from being the prey to being the hunter and shows him how a real hunter acts.  

5.  I thought the message under the story was don't be something you aren't.  Don't be fake.

5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 41
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.68
If you are going to start with a Crypt Keeper style introduction you need to make it snappy, entertaining dialogue; even bad puns are better than this!

The crazy guy hunting a victim in a death trap location is a tired, over-used mechanism. The twist is different, I’ll give you that, but it’s so out of left field the baseball goes around the globe.

This story is not centred in or around an elevator.

The dialogue was very on the nose, most of it was there to tell the audience stuff and didn’t sound like real conversation. The gore and shock value didn’t work because I didn’t care about Rick or Amber/Perchta.

Sorry this didn’t work at all for me but you completed the OWC and entered. It is all part of the learning process and my comments are simply my opinion, take them as you will!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 41
RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
903
Posts Per Day
0.38
the opening V.O. didn't work for me.  I would rather get right into it.  No setup for Amber coming back to life.  Need a hint that he  has chosen the wrong woman.  After that, it's just one torture after another with no real logic to it.  He gets his just reward, and she gets a plaything she'll tire of in an hour.  Sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 41
DanC
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 3:01am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51

Quoted from RichardR
the opening V.O. didn't work for me.  I would rather get right into it.  No setup for Amber coming back to life.  Need a hint that he  has chosen the wrong woman.  After that, it's just one torture after another with no real logic to it.  He gets his just reward, and she gets a plaything she'll tire of in an hour.  Sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.

Best
Richard


I think that's a valid comment.  The VO doesn't work.  It isn't funny, it doesn't do much.  The only thing it does is tell us that he's done this before, but, even that is shown later on, so, why was the VO there?

I do think there is a reason with the torture.  it isn't torture for the sake of gore and torture porn.

He lied.  She noticed.  She hated how he defiled the hunt.  If anything, this is a story about not lying and being something that you aren't.  


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 41
Gum
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
586
Posts Per Day
0.64
Good gravy!

Just curious if this is somehow influenced by Donald Marshall and his conspiracy about the ‘Clone Dome’ used for the elite’s disgusting bouts of debauchery.

“I have money.”
Lol, I like how nonchalantly slips that in.

“Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, we are going to have such fun.”
Now we’re talkin’.

“She picks up a thumbtack and shoves it into his armpit.”
I hate when that happens.

“Sadly, Rick passes out”
No, no, that’s a good thing. Then he doesn’t have to contend with the pain.

“She stalks him in cat-like fashion.”
Here… kitty, kitty.

“Oh, look a cheese grater.”
(gasp!)

Strangely invigorating, and serendipitously full of gore…  a gratuitous 6 out of 10 buckets of blood!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 41
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006