I knew I was in for it when I read the title and author name(s). And -- did the writer really mean Forth Edition or did he just mispell it?

This seems a little like a story from the old EC comic books mixed with mythology, although I don't know why the writer chose Perchta as his vehicle. In a way, it doesn't matter because the story doesn't takes us anywhere beyond the catalogue of chase, blood, torture, etc.

I do think it has some funny lines, as noted by Canis in the previous post.

Hmmm...

I love horror. Gore even. And sex...well...

Somehow it didn't come together very well here.

Judging by the writing, I'm going to guess the writer is fairly new to screenwriting. Maybe even young?

I think I have an idea what the writer was going for here and you can probably fix this one up so that others can easily get it. Right now, Rick is sort of a cliche'. His looks. His dialogue. Serial killer... He wants to fuck Amber while she dies. OK, but why? What is his reasoning for this? Give him just a little bit deeper of a personality than what he currently has. Even the most evil of antagonists have a reason for why they do what they do.

Obviously, we were supposed to root for Amber. I wanted Amber to fight Rick and somehow win. Kill his ass in a painful way, but she dies quickly. Then when Perchta, or whatever her name was, comes to life and she's a god and she does Ricky in, I felt cheated. I wanted Amber to do it. Not some goddess.

Not reading prior comments.

Getting a twilight zone kind of feel off the bat which is coo. However the narrator's voice needs more explanation. Is this over a black screen? I'm assuming it is but the script doesn't say so. In short scripts like this where page counts are tiny maybe consider overlapping the voice over the main character's actions. Wee see Rick, but we hear the narrator.


"Once the door closes, you can barely see two feet around
you." Just say it is an extremely dark warehouse. Avoid saying "we see" "you see" in scripts.

No need for AMBER's name to be in caps if it's dialogue.

A chase right away. Not bad, but how would we see any of the action if it's as dark in here as you say? It could work, but something to think about.

Amber's voice over is her thought right? Hard to do in movies. Why didn't we hear her thoughts before? Is there another way to show this? She knocks it over and Ricky responds with a "oh there you are, you found the bucket!"

No need for SALVATION by itself in caps. Also, how you you film this? An angelic choir on a shot of the elevator? Show us it's her salvation. Don't tell. This would be an example of an unfilmable.

Page 5. She panics. She steps backwards, She feels a blade, She spins around. Don't start every line with She, she she, or Amber, Amber, Amber. Combine all this into once action block. For example

Panic sets in as Amber steps backwards. Into a knife. In agony she spins around and drops to her knee, grabs her stomach as blood gushes out.

No need for seconds later in your slugline.

No need for all caps GAME ROOM in dialogue.

Page 6. Well that took a turn for the worse.

Page 7. Well that took a turn towards the weird. Not sure what's going on with Amber, but if you want to go this direction you should drop a hint to the audience beforehand. It will make something this unbelievable, a little easier to swallow.

Rock's eyebrows come together in confusion sounds as if his eyebrows really did merge together the way it's written. And given what's going on here, I dunno, maybe they are. Just say he scowls if you must.

Well that was different. The end seemed like too much of a snuff film to me. I know people like that Saw stuff but it's not for me. There were of course some typos, and formatting errors but those are easily fixed through editing. Alot of your action was a little too descriptive in that we don't need to read every little movement your characters make. Or too spaced out and too simplified at times. The story doesn't really need the narration, it would be a bit stronger without it I think and it doesn't add much to the story anyways. Rick is a bastard. Fair enough. But if Amber is the hero you should try and build her up more. Especially since she is more than what she first seems. Also if Rick has NVGs it would make sense to have some POV shots through his eyes so we can see what exactly is going on. The Halloween movies did his well, where you often saw things from behind Micheal Myer's mask. It made it feel as if you were taking part in the violence and would help here. I think the chase could have lasted longer as too much time is spent with both characters getting slashed, cut, and tortured. It would mean more if we knew them more. The dialogue had some good idea but could have been rewritten to come off as less hokey at times. But maybe gods talk like this.

Eh...  Whoever wrote this IS a seasoned writer.  And there's a certain amount of fun to be had with turning the tables on a sadist.  But as someone else mentioned, Perchta *does* come off as too much Deux Ex Machina (and a bit exposition heavy) - and the story goes on a touch too long.  Yes, it's torture porn.  But trim it a bit, and it'll go down easier...  

Is that a zero in the voice over? Honest error, but pay attention to formatting detail. I think the VO would've worked better with a visual.

A few page 1 chops:

A door opens as RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox, really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army fatigues, steps through the door.

1) It begins and ends with door. It's repetitive and awkward.

2) The subject Rick Goodwin and its verb steps through are separated by too much description. The best choice is to keep subject and verbs as close together as possible, if not side-by-side. You'll never go wrong.

3) "...really good looking with blonde hair..." You got to watch these kind of bits because they slow down the read. Some readers might think Rick is only good looking if he has blonde hair.

On one shoulder, he carries a sack, while singing "Love, Reign O’er Me" by the Who.

1) In this phrase, one shoulder implies Rick's carrying something else on his other shoulder. I recommend "He carries a sack over his shoulder while..."

The warehouse’s walls are barely lit as the door opens. Once the door closes, you can barely see two feet around you.

1) I'm sure warehouse's walls is correct grammar, but might not be possessive since a warehouse cannot exist without walls. Either way, it's not needed because the warehouse is the slugline.

2) Lots of repetition with the door. I'm not getting the "two feet around you" line.

Overall, the barebones of this isn't bad writing. It's bogged down with tons of repetition, easy fix though.

AMBER
How is that fair? You'll kill me right away.

The exchange between the two was engaging, until Amber dropped that on us. This situation is far from fair and I'm surprised she would even bother. Again on page 3, she states to Rick it's not fair. Repetition again - you're placing emphasis on something that isn't working. Amber's dialogue is extremely off key while Rick's is far more interesting.

Okay... I'm out. That's it for me.

Writer,

This just didn't work for me. One, just not a fan of Creepshow-like horror. Just doesn't make sense, but I understand horror doesn't have to make sense in order to be entertaining.  This feels like it was influenced by another script on these boards that's been awhile. I don't think it's the same writer.

The parameters are loosely recognized as most of the action takes place "near" an elevator. However, the elevator seems like its thrown in due to the challenge. This could've taken place almost anywhere. And that just won't do. I feel the elevator needs to be a key piece of the tale. A few of the scripts bent these rules. And as most 12 pagers, this probably could've been trimmed to 9 or 8. The trick is to make it shorter, and fit all your action and tension in that scaled down framework. It
Might have helped and definitely would've been more of a challenge to do.

Overall, not too bad, but needs work.

Steve

There are several spots where something is described, but it can't be shown (Amber's feelings, Rick recognizes...) Also, the gore for gore's sake doesn't provide any hook that draws the reader/audience in. It is too shallow from that standpoint. I felt there has to be more to it. Hannibal Lechter was a well-educated man (and chef) that could talk to his victims on many different levels. SAW made the victims see themselves in a different light. Other examples show depth of characters and, more importantly, a driving need for the characters beyond satisfying mere blood lust (antagonist) and surviving (victim). Nice twist at the end, but not enough to rescue the story.

notes as I read:

Quoted Text has led me to chronicle everything.

better: "...to chronicle what I see." No way for him to chronicle everything.

Quoted Text who claims to love the thrill of hunt

I assume you mean the hunt. All OWC's have mistakes like this, but when they are in the first dialogue like this the reader worries he's about to read a rough first draft. That puts me in skim mode early, which is never good or fair to your work.

Quoted Text A door opens as RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox, really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army fatigues, steps through the door.

Some common beginner mistakes, stuff we all did, trust me. There's no need for blue eyes. Many beginning writers do this. They spin the wheel for random physical characteristics: skinny, tall, blue eyes, fat, blond, bald. All we need to know in this case I am thinking is that he''s fit as an ox and wearing army fatigues, and his age.

the girl

Quoted Text thin, dark hair, brown eyes, pale skin, in a tank top and short shorts.

  

See!

Can we see this fight in the dark? I had to go back and reread this, which isn't fair to me. Is she blindfolded? It doesn't say so as far as I can see and I've read twice. Is there no light? It says Amber can see only a few feet. Now THAT is an unfilmable. I could live with if things were clear, but I can't at all figure out what we can see.

Quoted Text She feels a blade enter her back.

Ok, that's as far as I can go, Dan, I'm sorry. I don't think you are trying.

Ok, there is one good thing here, and it shows some understanding of story, and there are better writers that don't always get this. Let me explain since you did it well. In this scenario, it's absolutely crucial for the storytelling that we root for the girl. We're certainly not rooting for the bad guy. Not the invisible man. And yet we don't know the girl, so are we only rooting for her because she's hot and innocent apparently and in danger? Well, here's what you did very well: you had her almost immediately fight back by setting up the buckets! And she shows feistyness! That makes her worth rooting for. That's a great decision and instinct on your part as a writer.

But you need to start thinking about this being a script for a movie. The script has to describe what we can see...not what characters feel.

And though I didn't make it to the end...the invisible man?! Why? And why is he there watching an innocent girl getting killed?

I had to skim through it. I'll read it more thoroughly when I can.

Quoted from ChrisBodily I had to skim through it. I'll read it more thoroughly when I can.

Thanks, Chris.  That's very helpful to the writer.  Pure gold, actually.

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks, Chris.  That's very helpful to the writer.  Pure gold, actually.

As opposed to your always helpful and insightful - 'Page 1, I'm out'.  

LET THEM FIGHT!

My money's on LC.  She's tough as nails.  Actually, nails fear her.

Quoted from LC As opposed to your always helpful and insightful - 'Page 1, I'm out'.

Is that all I say, Libby?  Or do I say why I'm out?  I think you should read my feedback and see if your comment is just a little assholish.  You get me?  Do you?  Or maybe you don't?  Let me know, please.

Quoted from LC As opposed to your always helpful and insightful - 'Page 1, I'm out'.

Jeff can't help it if people aren't using proper screenplay grammar.

Sorry, time constraints last night.

I read this more thoroughly, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I love horror. I love anthology horror. Not really interested in torture porn. I love slashers. I love suspense.

There was some decent writing here for what I assume to be a first or second draft (third is pushing it).

First off, is it "forth" or "fourth" edition? Amusing pen name, by the way.  


There were a few repeated words in action lines. You didn't capitalize AMBER.

This is personal preference, but for Amber's first line after the reveal, I would change it to:

Code                   AMBER/PERCHTA             Real hunters don’t need weapons,             nor do they need to cheat.

Before changing it to PERCHTA from then on. Less confusing... ish. Still don't get what that was all about, though.

It was interesting enough, and maybe with a third draft (or more), it could really shine.

I'll give it a solid B.