Quoted from SAC Okay, I get it. But who shot him and why? Not clear on that.

As one of the witnesses says near the end, there is no reason. Larry is the victim of a random shooting; which happens. It’s a bit sad as Larry is a nice guy but I liked the idea of a senseless crime rather than one explained in a neat package.

Quoted from SAC This was okay, stayed within the parameters for the most part but... Boy! Was this tough to get through. You really need to trim this down. Felt like I was reading forever and it's only 10 pages.  The vibe/tone was consistent, if not a bit goofy with Larry's musings. Not sure a grown man would act this way, but... If he's on his way up to "you know where" then I guess it doesn't matter all that much. Still, too much going on here to hold my attention. It was a tough read. However, good work on getting this done. Not a bad story, just needs to be trimmed way down and tightened up, IMHO. Steve

Thanks Steve. It’s strange, some have said there’s not enough going on but I did try and do a lot in ten pages, maybe too much. It does need a trim and maybe more of a gradual spook vibe going on as he goes through the first 50 or so floors. I appreciate the read, glad you got something out of it despite being tough to get through.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo I was excited to get into this thread, then read some comments and hit a brick wall. Amazing. This is how you write a character into a corner haha! Quite clever to have only one elevator working, and have every floor selected. Then it kept going with Robbie. Random - and I like it. I felt disoriented at times, like fighting the sanity of a dream. I asked myself if death could conjure one to fight for their life in this way. Just letting go of everything - painfully slow. The dialogue was outstanding. Writing too. Maybe I'm one of the few, but this write had my full attention throughout. Well done. One of my favorites!

Thanks you so much Johnny, I love you! It’s heart-warming to see some people get this the way I envisioned it. Comments like that make me believe I’ve got some potential in there (maybe?) and I’ve just got to keep writing, keep on trying and hopefully keep on improving.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Well that was weird and interesting, creative. Kudos. Larry's early talky talk seemed like filler. I don't see him saying much of anything unless it's like "wtf?" and being very curious about what is happening.

Thank you. The early section is getting to know Larry and sharing a bit of the tedious part that such a long journey would entail. I think I was a bit too successful in the tedious aspects though!

Quoted from Stumpzian This script left me puzzled. I didn't get where Larry is until I reread the logline. His apartment building. Your first slug says Imotakan Lobby. Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what Imotakan is.

I like to add little Easter Eggs and subtle stuff in my scripts. Imotakan is Nakatomi backwards, AKA Nakatomi Plaza, the Skyscraper from Die Hard. I was trying to drop a hint that this Skyscraper is not exactly what is seems. Sometimes I think I’m too clever for my own good.
Skyscrapers have office, commercial and residential uses so in essence, Larry does class it as his apartment building. Sorry for the confusion.

Quoted from Stumpzian Given what he finds out at the end, I would expect Larry's floor-by-floor ascent to have more meaning. To me, it just seems pointlessly random -- a beautiful woman, an overturned water cooler, a humanoid figure, and Robbie the Robot from "Forbidden Planet," although Robbie is misidentified.

Robbie is simply the name he gives the robot, he’s not from Forbidden Planet. I think I confused some people by having him do the impersonation from Lost in Space straight after but he also quotes Buck Rogers and Doctor Who. I should have called the robot Bob lol.

Quoted from Stumpzian Small matter, I guess, but the tape you're talking about is not duct tape.

I’m curious, what is it then? When writing I did a search in google for ‘Police duct tape do not cross’ and it came up with images of the tape in question. Maybe it’s a UK/US thing, I’m from the UK.

Quoted from Stumpzian Overall, this has the feel of story that started with no ending in mind. I realize I may have missed some larger point.

I had a clear beginning, middle and end in mind when I wrote this but little time. I had Thursday night to write it and Friday to give it a read through for obvious errors. Maybe with more time and not being restricted with a shoestring budget or page length I could make this a lot better.

Quoted from wonkavite This one...?  Really strange.  It feels like the writer had the germ of an idea, and then ran with it without knowing how it would develop or end.  So it just got weirder and weirder... and eventually just got lost in the weeds.  Not for me, I'm afraid.  But certainly worth playing with after the OWC's over...

Thanks for the read and review. I did have a clear idea with this but very limited time to write it. No excuse I know, we all have limited time in the OWC. I thought I’d done OK with it but I guess not.

Quoted from khamanna It deffinitely gets points for imagination and subtleness. In the end Larry has been shot and what we saw is an interpretation of what happened to him - I liked that reveal a lot. What I did miss is an explanation of what happened and why he was shot. Even if he was on that floor by mistake and got shot by mistake, or just because he turned up to be an unwanted witness to something - we still don't know that and I think we ought to know. Unless I missed something. I didn't, did I? He sees his mother at the end - she wasn't in the set up, so I think you better get rid of her and use someone from the set up in your final scene.

I’m so glad you like it and got what was going on. Larry was the victim of a random shooting, a senseless crime. I could have setup a reason, a motive etc. but that would have eaten up into the limited page length and in the end I thought, well random crime does happen and is it essential for this story to explain to the audience why Larry is dead? Sometimes people just die for no neatly packaged reason and I liked that, even though it seems morbid.
His mom at the end was to reinforce the idea he’s at heaven and hopefully allow the reader to put all the pieces together. It would be hard to tie it into a character at the beginning as Larry is the only character, apart from the hot woman which would be weird if that was his mom!

Quoted from PrussianMosby If there is not much happening in all those floors, except for Larry fighting his boredom, then cut it to a Minimum, or the viewer will turn off. The ending is nice and sweet. It's overwritten for what it is. Just give us 7 precisely executed pages and you have a different pair of shoes here imo

I was way too good at getting the tedious element of going up 99 floors. In fact if JJ Abrams is thinking about doing a Star Wars movie about a couple of droids going up 99999 floors in the Death Star, I’M HIS MAN!
The lesson here for the next draft or next time is to make it more interesting early on. I think maybe the hot woman should have stayed in the elevator.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented on this, it has helped a great deal and this OWC has been a very enjoyable, if not somewhat humbling experience!

Mark,

I have 2 questions:

1.  How did you get everyone's quotes in one response?  I don't know how to do that.  And clearly, you can do that, since, well, you did that?

2.  In all the responses, 1 caught my eye, the WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH.  

That got me to thinking about the over description.  I think it's like sugar cereals.  Sure you like them, but, having too much of a good thing gets you sick of it.

In other words, if you save the over description for the most important part of the script, then it would really stand out b/c we haven't been desensitized by it.  

And yea, the one reference about Die Hard went totally over my head.  No one got it.

I think you and I both suffer from the "big reveal" issue.  We see it like old time TV would show it.  Sadly, we don't live in that time period anymore.  That was the main issue with my story too.  

I think the story would be good, but, it does need to be clearer.  I'm sure you can do it.  

As for extra dialog, you could introduce the oddball operator of the lift.  And you know, 99 wouldn't read heaven per say, 77 would be a better number.  Unless that's a UK thing

Dan

Quoted from DanC Mark, I have 2 questions: 1.  How did you get everyone's quotes in one response?  I don't know how to do that.  And clearly, you can do that, since, well, you did that? 2.  In all the responses, 1 caught my eye, the WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH.   That got me to thinking about the over description.  I think it's like sugar cereals.  Sure you like them, but, having too much of a good thing gets you sick of it. In other words, if you save the over description for the most important part of the script, then it would really stand out b/c we haven't been desensitized by it.   And yea, the one reference about Die Hard went totally over my head.  No one got it. I think you and I both suffer from the "big reveal" issue.  We see it like old time TV would show it.  Sadly, we don't live in that time period anymore.  That was the main issue with my story too.   I think the story would be good, but, it does need to be clearer.  I'm sure you can do it.   As for extra dialog, you could introduce the oddball operator of the lift.  And you know, 99 wouldn't read heaven per say, 77 would be a better number.  Unless that's a UK thing Dan

It’s a case of hitting the quote button on every response, cutting and pasting them into a word document and doing some editing. It’s not quick and mistakes are easy to make. If anyone knows an easier solution, then like Spock, I’m all ears.

For me Dan, every part of the script is important. There’s a few great screenwriters out there who say everything in the script must mean something and I agree. To deliberately make certain parts of the script bland and mean less than others, just to make it easier for people who just want to scan the script as quick as possible; to me that is just wrong! Some people read the script and got it completely despite the slow beginning and my choice of descriptions, others didn’t. Who is right? The frustrating answer is all of them, a lot of this is down to personal opinion.


Hell is level 66 (666) so the opposite off 66 is sixes upside down which is 99; heaven! That’s the logic in my head anyway. I admit my mind is unlike any logical mind in all of mankind’s existence; but the logic is there nonetheless.

Mark,

Jumping into this late, my apologies. After reading your comments regarding the actual composition of the work, I gave it (another) go. This time I found it way more intriguing when I made a succinct comparison to a notable author; Robert Monroe. Actually, he (Monroe) wrote non-fictional content that really pulled you into his world.

That being; his worlds are 'Astral Planes' he frequented with precise skill and determination, at least he did before he passed on. It is even suggested by his closest friends and family that he actually set up his next (reincarnated) life, and escaped there to properly transcend.

Anyway, one of the most prolific things he spoke of was his ability to intercept recently disembodied souls, those who had died within minutes, hours, days, and even (sometimes) months after their release from the corporeal. He took it upon himself to (sometimes) assist those (lost, or confused) disembodied souls to find a way out and off this planet. But rarely did he ever achieve this task. He states that the astral (world) would suddenly change into a field of debauchery, an orgy of disembodied souls all wrapped in a twisted mess of gloom. Many times, the souls would leave their guide (Munroe) and just fall into the trap like a lamb to the slaughter.

You capitalized on something that many question, but are never really granted an answer to, and I believe you handled it with a surreal, interesting, and very nostalgic twist of events.  It was only by fluke I found the Munroe series and really became a stern advocate for his theories regarding ethereal entities, and their real and true journey through a gauntlet of tests in order to prove their worth before transcendence.  You achieved the same message here with only a few pages... crafty to say the least!

Now, I'm off to to dig through my Monroe series and get lost in (his) translation... Cheers!

Quoted from Gum Mark, Jumping into this late, my apologies. After reading your comments regarding the actual composition of the work, I gave it (another) go. This time I found it way more intriguing when I made a succinct comparison to a notable author; Robert Monroe. Actually, he (Monroe) wrote non-fictional content that really pulled you into his world. That being; his worlds are 'Astral Planes' he frequented with precise skill and determination, at least he did before he passed on. It is even suggested by his closest friends and family that he actually set up his next (reincarnated) life, and escaped there to properly transcend. Anyway, one of the most prolific things he spoke of was his ability to intercept recently disembodied souls, those who had died within minutes, hours, days, and even (sometimes) months after their release from the corporeal. He took it upon himself to (sometimes) assist those (lost, or confused) disembodied souls to find a way out and off this planet. But rarely did he ever achieve this task. He states that the astral (world) would suddenly change into a field of debauchery, an orgy of disembodied souls all wrapped in a twisted mess of gloom. Many times, the souls would leave their guide (Munroe) and just fall into the trap like a lamb to the slaughter. You capitalized on something that many question, but are never really granted an answer to, and I believe you handled it with a surreal, interesting, and very nostalgic twist of events.  It was only by fluke I found the Munroe series and really became a stern advocate for his theories regarding ethereal entities, and their real and true journey through a gauntlet of tests in order to prove their worth before transcendence.  You achieved the same message here with only a few pages... crafty to say the least! Now, I'm off to to dig through my Monroe series and get lost in (his) translation... Cheers!

Genius! Hey man, where were you with this brilliant description of my Oscar-worthy, multi-layered, metaphysical and downright bloody amazing script when people were poo-pooing my descriptions or saying it was a bit slow? Eh? EH? WHERE WERE YOU???

Lol!

Thanks Canis   Glad you got something out of it.

I now demand a recount!!

-Mark  

No worries, mate… anytime.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I now demand a recount!!

Lol, I’m with you on that… as long as my (ahem) acid trip script is included in the remix… no?

Nakatomi Plaza...  Maybe this will turn into a John McClane story.  

After the first page, I'm thinking the writing could definitely be trimmed down. "A plastic cup with steaming hot black liquid". Why not write, a plastic cup with hot coffee?

Page 5. By now, I'm starting to feel my attention drifting because there isn't really much going on. Just Larry going slowly by every single floor. In my first two drafts of SLEEP, the readers giving me coverage had the same thing to say about my script. The same that could be said here. There's this sense of waiting and the main character isn't an active character. He's basically just reacting to stuff that is happening to him. He's not taking any action himself. I felt the same about Larry here.

IMHO, this story would benefit from fewer floors. Of course, then the title wouldn't make sense, but as far as the story goes, it would be better. Fewer floors. Fewer problems that could be better developed.

Sorry it's taken me so long to catch up with some of these.  

Good luck with the re-write.