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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  I Got 99 Problems - OWC
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  Author    I Got 99 Problems - OWC  (currently 4342 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Got 99 Problems by Elisha Graves Otis  - Short, Fantasy, Horror - An office worker returns home after a long day and embarks on a rather surreal journey in a faulty elevator to the 99th floor. 11 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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That was pretty good.

I loved your pop culture references.  I knew them all, so, yeah, I'm old

I liked the buildup.  The story made sense, and it was a self-contained unit, meaning the questions you raised, you also answered.

I appreciated that trip down memory lane.

8.5/10

The reason I didn't rate it a bit higher was b/c all the action kinda zoned me out.  I really had to "try" not to skim.  I'd try to add more dialog to it.


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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I wish I could be more positive, but for me, this didn't work at all, and was extremely dull, and a tough chug to get through.  The read itself felt like I was reading a 25 page script, and tthat's never a positive sign.

Just way too much of "nothing" and a very small payoff, that for me did not work at all.

Writing-wise, things appeared to be OK early on, but your voice got in the way, and there's just way too much unnecessary detail, many times in the way of adjectives and adverbs.  The asides didn't help either.

Grammar and punctuation are also an issue, but nothing all that bad.

It's the lack of a real story here.  The lack of interesting action, and just way too many floors.

It's a tough challenge and you met it, so kudos for that.  For me, though, I was looking for the end to come, and hoping for a payoff.  Yes, you did offer a payoff, but for me, it didn't do anything for me.

Best of luck going forward.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Quoted Text
Elisha Graves Otis was an American industrialist, founder of the Otis Elevator Company, and inventor of a safety device that prevents elevators from falling if the hoisting cable fails.


Interesting. I wonder if the name will have a bearing on the story?

It's taking three pages to get going so far. I'm pretty sure you could easily cut the first two pages without hurting the story at all. I'm finding it a chore to read at the moment. Remember the come in late get out early rule.

Well yeah, that was pretty surreal with the 'Mom' thing at the end but it spoils it in my opinion.

An old tale, but aren't they all... over all, not a bad effort. 5.5 out of 10.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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I could not help myself. Have to start reviewing this OWC with this entry. 99 Problems (and a bitch ain't one?) Who could resist?

Sadly...speaking of problems...
plague should be plaque
"steaming black coffee" How do we see the steam? There's no lighting around ("powerless monitors")
'suddenly' - most visual actions happen in the moment you show them. It isn't that sudden. There are a lot of SUDDENLYs in this script and even one SUDDENLY! Repetitive and hokey.

But wait..no Awkward writing.
Not sure why Elevator and Floor starts with an uppercase. That's a nitpick, but it is too noticable.

"is sat" (p4)
'palm of a hand' which hand? Larry's  hand?
Robbie The Robot is the robot of Forbidden Planet, not Lost In Space. (I first summed this up as character error, but it would appear that Larry is a sci-fi pop culture nerd)

A fart joke.  > that seems out of place.

The wierdness and surreal atmosphere goes the distance. Every time I started to get into it, you throw me out.

Not a bad effort. But given the title, I also expected something a bit more edgy, funny or dark humored.



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EWall433
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I actually liked a lot of the humor in the beginning of this. The set-up starts off light-hearted. A frustrating elevator ride and Larry, whoís a bit of a dweeb, just trying to pass the time. The fart joke actually worked for me, and I also liked the decision to give Larry a robot friend. The montage maybe went on too long, but then we started turning into the horror part of the tale. For me, thatís where this started to get rickety.

The faceless man is creepy, but a bit of an easy choice, as is the crazy elevator. But mostly my problem was that it led to a payoff that didnít feel natural to the set-up. The tone of the piece worked for me and I dug the initial concept (a floor by floor elevator ride where the stops get progressively more horrific). I could definitely see things going in an even darker, more surreal, Silent Hill-type direction. Iíd go back and try to figure out an ending that keeps to that initial concept. Make us dread whatever horrible thing heíll find when he finally makes it to the 99th floor.
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stevie
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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I was sort of getting into this but ended up bailing on about page 8 as it all went arse up.

The pop culture refs were done well ( God, how hot was Erin Gray from Buck Rogers lol?) but perhaps the writer lost control or ran out of time.



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rendevous
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, yes. A plague on the wall. Get the bleach out.

"powerless security monitors". Eh? Are you talking about the UN or something?

It's nice that Larry saunters. But I doubt it's appropriate to your story. It's like that old man on the bus the other day who kept winking at everybody.

Jeez, Larry sounds an awful lot like Ned Flanders. Add a few okey diddly dokeys and a moustache and you're there.

The humour seems quite gentle and quaint in this. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But it can be hard to make it funny.

I think that montage proved my point. Even if a great comic actor did it, they would have a job making it funny. Maybe Stan Laurel could have. Alas. Like my patience, he is long gone.

Needs a bit more plot, in me humble.

R


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RichardR
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this one quickly became tedious for me.  I can take only so many stops and clever comments to the robot.  Get on with the story.  HOw many jokes can you tell on one match?  Only know when there are too many.  Didn't work as a story for me.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Gosh darn it - really ?

Too much with the different floor imho, could lose some of these quite easily.

Effectively written though and I like the robot

SPOILERS

The end, hmm not a fan of 'dead all along' endings, sorry.

Anthony


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c m hall
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SPOILERS
Lots of good things here; Larry is an entertaining character, he's trying to make the best of whatever happens -- and Larry's interaction with the robot as companion / memory will keep things interesting for the audience.  And I think that having  Larry be a victim of senseless violence instead of just dangerously clumsy (as it seems in the beginning) is a good decision, it takes this from being a skit to being a memorable story that could be a good film.
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stevemiles
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Like the title.  Think thereís much to be made of the situation, a passenger forced to endure every floor on his ride in a faulty elevator.  One niggle was Larry seemed a little too childlike in places.

Not what I expected -- kudos for taking it somewhere different.  I rather like it, think you handled the surreal aspect well and made the most of the suspense.  Nothing was as it really seemed.  Another elevator ride to Heaven/Hell but a different approach.  Iíd cut the fart gag, that did nothing.


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JSimon
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I like the concept of using the elevator as a way of reliving one's life as they say in the last moment before death.

The execution is extremely flawed and the writer needs development. Let's take a stab at some of the writing problems

First of all, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overwritten with description. An example: Larry has turned a crimson red; a mixture of
desire and toe-curling embarrassment.
That really just needs to be Larry turns red.

And that kind of thing is in literally every line. It makes this a real slog to get through and as a result it becomes hard to pay attention to the story. I mean it took an act of will for me to finish. If you cut out all that description and stick to what's simple to describe...and don't describe what doesn't need to be described...then we should be able to fly through this story.


Quoted Text
A plastic cup filled with steaming black liquid stands next
to a bank of powerless security monitors.


Couple problems with this. First, this is a curse placed on you by the "rules people". Rules people throw all common sense out the window as they try to force rules of thumb into laws filled with thou shalts. What happened here is you heard some anal rules person say "How do we know what's in the coffee cup?" So instead of saying there is steaming coffee you felt compelled to say steaming black liquid.

But another problem with this description is that it has, as far as I can tell, no reason at all for being there. It's not connected to the story, doesn't add to any kind of mood or tone of the location. Imagine you are filming this: is it necessary to get this steaming coffee and find a way to keep it steaming for the length of the shoot?

A few self-deprecating moments go by.  I have no idea what that means.

Often in screenplays we find a capable writer trying to create a story from a bad concept. In this case we have a concept really ripe with potential. Putting it in the future was clever so you could have a crazy tall skyscraper with more floors and therefore more stops on the elevator. There were probably more clever things to this story that I missed because I started to skim due to the tedious writing. With a little work you will quickly learn to clean up that writing style. And it will make it easier for you to write because there's no need to work so hard on description!

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SteveClark
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Okay, I get it. But who shot him and why? Not clear on that.

This was okay, stayed within the parameters for the most part but... Boy! Was this tough to get through. You really need to trim this down. Felt like I was reading forever and it's only 10 pages.  The vibe/tone was consistent, if not a bit goofy with Larry's musings. Not sure a grown man would act this way, but... If he's on his way up to "you know where" then I guess it doesn't matter all that much.

Still, too much going on here to hold my attention. It was a tough read. However, good work on getting this done. Not a bad story, just needs to be trimmed way down and tightened up, IMHO.

Steve


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nawazm11
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Your writing style jumps between different focuses without much flow. Mention things when they need to be mentioned rather than overloading the reader at the start with a security desk, coffee, monsters, a sign, and eight other different things. Which one matters? Do they matter at all?

Trash (mostly) all the dialogue where he talks to himself, it's unneeded and cheesy -- unless of course, the latter part was your intent.

"Oh, good morning Mr. Tyler. "  

Wait, apartments now have 99 floors? I'm way behind on the times.

Uh, well, not sure if I can say I was a fan of the story. I think it had a good horror/comedy vibe going, but it was way too simple and bland to evoke anything in the reader. Again, too simple, needs more, or less for the story you're trying to tell.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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I was excited to get into this thread, then read some comments and hit a brick wall.

Amazing. This is how you write a character into a corner haha! Quite clever to have only one elevator working, and have every floor selected. Then it kept going with Robbie. Random - and I like it.

I felt disoriented at times, like fighting the sanity of a dream. I asked myself if death could conjure one to fight for their life in this way. Just letting go of everything - painfully slow.

The dialogue was outstanding. Writing too. Maybe I'm one of the few, but this write had my full attention throughout. Well done. One of my favorites!
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
The dialogue was outstanding. Writing too. Maybe I'm one of the few, but this write had my full attention throughout. Well done. One of my favorites!


WTF????  Really?  J...you OK, bud?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


WTF????  Really?  J...you OK, bud?



Why do you think it was bad Jeff?

I thought it was pretty good too.  I thought the writing was solid.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Quoted from Dreamscale
WTF????  Really?  J...you OK, bud?


No, I was hacked   - I did enjoy it, bro. Although I'm not totally sure if I'm feeling okay.

Within the context of what was going on, tip of my hat to the writer. Sure, some of it is basic, but it's not like it's all softballs. There's a few heaters in there too.

Quit trying to hypnotize me Jeff!


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cloroxmartini
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Well that was weird and interesting, creative. Kudos.

Larry's early talky talk seemed like filler. I don't see him saying much of anything unless it's like "wtf?" and being very curious about what is happening.
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Stumpzian
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This script left me puzzled.

I didn't get where Larry is until I reread the logline. His apartment building. Your first slug says Imotakan Lobby.
Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what Imotakan is. I googled it and am still not certain.  Seems to be a video war game? If so, does that play into what's happening in some way I don't recognize?

Given what he finds out at the end, I would expect Larry's floor-by-floor ascent to have more meaning. To me, it just seems pointlessly random -- a beautiful woman, an overturned water cooler, a humanoid figure, and Robbie the Robot from "Forbidden Planet," although Robbie is misidentified.

Small matter, I guess, but the tape you're talking about is not duct tape.

Overall, this has the feel of story that started with no ending in mind. I realize I may have missed some larger point.




Revision History (1 edits)
Stumpzian  -  May 30th, 2015, 4:21pm
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wonkavite
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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This one...?  Really strange.  It feels like the writer had the germ of an idea, and then ran with it without knowing how it would develop or end.  So it just got weirder and weirder... and eventually just got lost in the weeds.  Not for me, I'm afraid.  But certainly worth playing with after the OWC's over...
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khamanna
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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It deffinitely gets points for imagination and subtleness.
In the end Larry has been shot and what we saw is an interpretation of what happened to him - I liked that reveal a lot.

What I did miss is an explanation of what happened and why he was shot. Even if he was on that floor by mistake and got shot by mistake, or just because he turned up to be an unwanted witness to something - we still don't know that and I think we ought to know. Unless I missed something. I didn't, did I?

He sees his mother at the end - she wasn't in the set up, so I think you better get rid of her and use someone from the set up in your final scene.
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PrussianMosby
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I Got 99 Problems

If there is not much happening in all those floors, except for Larry fighting his boredom, then cut it to a Minimum, or the viewer will turn off. The ending is nice and sweet.
It's overwritten for what it is. Just give us 7 precisely executed pages and you have a different pair of shoes here imo



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MarkRenshaw
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Thanks to those who read this (all the way through!) and were kind enough to offer their opinions. Hereís a rundown of the story, then Iíll answer some specific points.

Just for reference: I had the late, great John Candy in mind when I envisioned Larry. I think it helps to visualise the scenes if I imagine an actor I think could really pull the role off.


Larry is dead in the 6th Sense style. Heís the victim of a random shooting in the lobby of his apartment building and heís on his way to the afterlife.  

Larry doesnít see it that way, he thinks heís heading home. What Larry sees is a deserted lobby of a super skyscraper (Nataktomi Plaza backwards, no-one spotted this!) with all but one of the elevators are out of commission. So he takes it, even though itís faulty and means going up 99 floors one at a time. Why? Heís a big guy and taking the stairway to heaven ainít his style!

Larry has a surreal adventure upwards. An embarrassing encounter with a sexy woman, a toy robot hopping on for the ride and Larry showing off his geek side; entertaining himself with impersonations.

He manages to pass the time for a while but the endless repetition drains Larryís enthusiasm. A mini-earthquake followed by a torrent of water is more than enough to make things interesting again, followed by ominous banging on the doors on Floor 66; which unbeknown to Larry, is Hell.

This leads to an encounter with a scary faceless man in dimly lit corridor and the loss of Robbie, who wanders off the elevator at the worst time possible. Larry almost becomes stuck on the floor as well, after he rushes out to rescue his friend but he ducks back in just before the doors close. His ascent continues alone.

Floor 67 looks normal, dull but the elevator goes crazy, shooting down and up floors randomly. It finally stabilises as it reaches the 90th floor and then the truth is revealed to Larry as it slowly ascended up towards 99; heaven.

A pain in his chest reminds him of the shooting. The out of order tape in the lobby never existed, it was police ĎDo Not Crossí tape covering off the scene of his own, random murder.

Larry realises he is dead and this is his elevator to the afterlife. The Devil tried to trick him to going to Hell, first by seduction (the sexy woman) and then by luring him out of the elevator to follow his robot companion. However, Larry managed to bypass this trickery by a random fart and sheer luck!

At floor 99 the doors open to heaven. Larry can see his mom waiting for him. All fear, and pain gone, Larry smartens himself up and boldly steps forward.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from DanC

I loved your pop culture references.  I knew them all, so, yeah, I'm old
The reason I didn't rate it a bit higher was b/c all the action kinda zoned me out.  I really had to "try" not to skim.  I'd try to add more dialog to it.

Thanks Dan. Iím old too. I made Larry in his late 30ís so the stuff heíd quote would be relevant for old people like us lol. Fair point about the action, maybe I was too descriptive on this one. More dialogue wouldnít work as heís on his own (apart from Robbie) so it would seem weird him talking to himself more but maybe another character in the lift may help.

Quoted from Dreamscale
I wish I could be more positive, but for me, this didn't work at all, and was extremely dull, and a tough chug to get through.  

Thatís OK man. As per my comment in the other thread, this is the first script of mine youíve read all the way through so I see that as progress!

Quoted from Dustin

It's taking three pages to get going so far. I'm pretty sure you could easily cut the first two pages without hurting the story at all. I'm finding it a chore to read at the moment. Remember the come in late get out early rule.
Well yeah, that was pretty surreal with the 'Mom' thing at the end but it spoils it in my opinion.

I needed to setup the beginning to explain why Larry was in a faulty lift and also for the reveal at the end. Travelling up 99 floors one at a time is going to be a bit tedious, I had to get some of that across and hoped Larryís goofing around would provide entertainment while it did, but maybe I went on too long. The Mom thing was just to explain Larry was stepping into heaven.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

plague should be plaque
"steaming black coffee" How do we see the steam? There's no lighting around ("powerless monitors")

Thanks for spotting the typo. The lobby isnít in total darkness, only the security monitors have no power. I wanted to explain visually why there was no security guard in the lobby. The steaming cup shows someone was there recently. The powerless monitors is the reason why the security guard is not there, heís gone off to investigate why the security cameras have all gone pop!

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

Robbie The Robot is the robot of Forbidden Planet, not Lost In Space. (I first summed this up as character error, but it would appear that Larry is a sci-fi pop culture nerd)

He calls the robot Robbie as a nickname, simple as that. He then proceeds to do impersonations of several famous cultural robots from Lost in Space, Buck Rogers and Doctor Who (none of which are called Robbie) while he plays with the Robot to pass time during the tedious journey in the lift.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

A fart joke.  > that seems out of place.

That fart saved his soul. The woman (temptress) in question said she was going to the 66th floor, which is hell. I think I was quite a bit too subtle in this story.


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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from EWall433
I actually liked a lot of the humor in the beginning of this. The set-up starts off light-hearted. A frustrating elevator ride and Larry, whoís a bit of a dweeb, just trying to pass the time. The fart joke actually worked for me, and I also liked the decision to give Larry a robot friend. The montage maybe went on too long, but then we started turning into the horror part of the tale. For me, thatís where this started to get rickety.

The faceless man is creepy, but a bit of an easy choice, as is the crazy elevator. But mostly my problem was that it led to a payoff that didnít feel natural to the set-up. The tone of the piece worked for me and I dug the initial concept (a floor by floor elevator ride where the stops get progressively more horrific). I could definitely see things going in an even darker, more surreal, Silent Hill-type direction. Iíd go back and try to figure out an ending that keeps to that initial concept. Make us dread whatever horrible thing heíll find when he finally makes it to the 99th floor.

Thanks Eric. I agree actually. I wrote this in 2 nights and wanted the first twenty floors or so to be normal and give us chance to get to know Larryís character but then it to get progressively creepier as we got closer to hell on floor 66.  I just didnít really have time to do it justice it seems. I also had to keep to a shoestring budget to maintain the parameters of the OWC otherwise I would have let rip more with my imagination.  

Quoted from stevie
I was sort of getting into this but ended up bailing on about page 8 as it all went arse up.
The pop culture refs were done well ( God, how hot was Erin Gray from Buck Rogers lol?) but perhaps the writer lost control or ran out of time.

You are right, I had one night to write the vomit draft then another to try and tidy it up. I thought Iíd done OK but seems like maybe I didnít.

Quoted from rendevous

I think that montage proved my point. Even if a great comic actor did it, they would have a job making it funny. Maybe Stan Laurel could have. Alas. Like my patience, he is long gone.
Needs a bit more plot, in me humble.
R

Thanks Rend. I agree, I think it needs more plot, and wellÖjust more in general, although some have said Iíve tried to do too much with this story so Iím a bit conflicted and confused.  I did have the late great John Candy in mind when I wrote this and thought someone like him could pull it off perfectly. Maybe Kevin James as his Mall Cop character could suffice as a cheap alternative? Lol.


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Quoted from RichardR
this one quickly became tedious for me.  I can take only so many stops and clever comments to the robot.  Get on with the story.  HOw many jokes can you tell on one match?  Only know when there are too many.  Didn't work as a story for me.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard, appreciate you taking the time to give this a look. I wanted to get the tediousness of travelling 99 floors one at a time across while Larry entertains himself (and hopefully us in the process) but it seems I was way too successful in showing the tedious part of the journey and lost several readers in the process lol.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Gosh darn it - really ?
Too much with the different floor imho, could lose some of these quite easily.
Effectively written though and I like the robot
SPOILERS
The end, hmm not a fan of 'dead all along' endings, sorry.
Anthony

Thanks Anthony, glad you liked itÖa bit anyway lol. I think I was way too successful in getting across how long and monotonous such a journey would be.

Quoted from c m hall

Lots of good things here; Larry is an entertaining character, he's trying to make the best of whatever happens -- and Larry's interaction with the robot as companion / memory will keep things interesting for the audience.  And I think that having  Larry be a victim of senseless violence instead of just dangerously clumsy (as it seems in the beginning) is a good decision, it takes this from being a skit to being a memorable story that could be a good film.

Thank you! Itís always nice when someone gets what it is I was trying to convey with the story and can visualise it as I can in my head. It reassures me that Iím not a complete loss and thereís some hope, maybe, for my writing and stories.

Quoted from stevemiles

Like the title.  Think thereís much to be made of the situation, a passenger forced to endure every floor on his ride in a faulty elevator.  One niggle was Larry seemed a little too childlike in places.

Not what I expected -- kudos for taking it somewhere different.  I rather like it, think you handled the surreal aspect well and made the most of the suspense.  Nothing was as it really seemed.  Another elevator ride to Heaven/Hell but a different approach.  Iíd cut the fart gag, that did nothing.

I had John Candy (or Kevin James as his Mall Cop character) in mind when I wrote this and thought someone like that could pull it off. The fart gag was more than just for laughs, it saves his soul as the woman said she was heading to the 66th Floor (hell) and maybe would have tempted him off the elevator. I was way too subtle on this though, needed to explain more.


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Quoted from JSimon
I like the concept of using the elevator as a way of reliving one's life as they say in the last moment before death.

An interesting idea but that isnít what is happening here. He isnít reliving his life, heís travelling to the afterlife.

Quoted from JSimon

First of all, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overwritten with description. An example: Larry has turned a crimson red; a mixture of desire and toe-curling embarrassment. That really just needs to be Larry turns red.

Larry turns red maybe easier to read but itís also duller. Iím trying to add a little flavour to the descriptions without taking up too much white space. I may need to trim back a bit for sure but Iíve seen plenty of produced, well thought of scripts that have waaaaaaaaaaay more description than mine.

Quoted from JSimon

But another problem with this description is that it has, as far as I can tell, no reason at all for being there. It's not connected to the story, doesn't add to any kind of mood or tone of the location. Imagine you are filming this: is it necessary to get this steaming coffee and find a way to keep it steaming for the length of the shoot?

I was attempting to show without telling. What does a steaming cup of liquid show you? It shows you that someone was there recently, probably a security guard drinking a brew, as itís near security monitors. What do powerless security monitors show you? That thereís no power, thatís for sure but itís also a reason why thereís no security guard. He (or they) have gone to check why all the security cameras have lost power.
I needed a reason for the lobby to be empty to setup Larryís trip in the faulty elevator. I know I could have just said ďAn empty lobbyĒ but to me thatís a cop-out, cheap and dull. If I read a script like that Iíd be like ďWhere are the security guards? That doesnít make sense?Ē But I was either too subtle or being too clever for my own good.  

Quoted from JSimon

A few self-deprecating moments go by.  I have no idea what that means.

Self-deprecation is the act of reprimanding oneself by belittling, undervaluing, or disparaging oneself. Larryís just embarrassed himself in front of a hot chick and sheís left the elevator. Between one floor and the next he goes over the situation in his mind and curses himself for his actions. I tried to get that across in a few words without being dull but again I think I was too clever for myself.

Quoted from JSimon

Putting it in the future was clever so you could have a crazy tall skyscraper with more floors and therefore more stops on the elevator. There were probably more clever things to this story that I missed because I started to skim due to the tedious writing. With a little work you will quickly learn to clean up that writing style. And it will make it easier for you to write because there's no need to work so hard on description!

Thanks but itís not set in the future. Thereís quite a few buildings in the world with more than 100 floors and more being built all the time. Itís not per se a real building but Larryís interpretation of the Stairway to heaven. Heís taking the elevator instead lol. Sorry I angered you so much with my writing style. Iím experimenting all the time, trying to find a balance so itís not overly descriptive but at the same time memorable and stands out a bit more form the crowd.  Seems like Iíve got a lot more practice ahead.


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Quoted from SteveClark

Okay, I get it. But who shot him and why? Not clear on that.

As one of the witnesses says near the end, there is no reason. Larry is the victim of a random shooting; which happens. Itís a bit sad as Larry is a nice guy but I liked the idea of a senseless crime rather than one explained in a neat package.

Quoted from SteveClark

This was okay, stayed within the parameters for the most part but... Boy! Was this tough to get through. You really need to trim this down. Felt like I was reading forever and it's only 10 pages.  The vibe/tone was consistent, if not a bit goofy with Larry's musings. Not sure a grown man would act this way, but... If he's on his way up to "you know where" then I guess it doesn't matter all that much.
Still, too much going on here to hold my attention. It was a tough read. However, good work on getting this done. Not a bad story, just needs to be trimmed way down and tightened up, IMHO.
Steve

Thanks Steve. Itís strange, some have said thereís not enough going on but I did try and do a lot in ten pages, maybe too much. It does need a trim and maybe more of a gradual spook vibe going on as he goes through the first 50 or so floors. I appreciate the read, glad you got something out of it despite being tough to get through.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I was excited to get into this thread, then read some comments and hit a brick wall.

Amazing. This is how you write a character into a corner haha! Quite clever to have only one elevator working, and have every floor selected. Then it kept going with Robbie. Random - and I like it.
I felt disoriented at times, like fighting the sanity of a dream. I asked myself if death could conjure one to fight for their life in this way. Just letting go of everything - painfully slow.
The dialogue was outstanding. Writing too. Maybe I'm one of the few, but this write had my full attention throughout. Well done. One of my favorites!

Thanks you so much Johnny, I love you! Itís heart-warming to see some people get this the way I envisioned it. Comments like that make me believe Iíve got some potential in there (maybe?) and Iíve just got to keep writing, keep on trying and hopefully keep on improving.

Quoted from cloroxmartini
Well that was weird and interesting, creative. Kudos.
Larry's early talky talk seemed like filler. I don't see him saying much of anything unless it's like "wtf?" and being very curious about what is happening.

Thank you. The early section is getting to know Larry and sharing a bit of the tedious part that such a long journey would entail. I think I was a bit too successful in the tedious aspects though!


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MarkRenshaw  -  June 8th, 2015, 5:54am
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Quoted from Stumpzian
This script left me puzzled.
I didn't get where Larry is until I reread the logline. His apartment building. Your first slug says Imotakan Lobby.
Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what Imotakan is.

I like to add little Easter Eggs and subtle stuff in my scripts. Imotakan is Nakatomi backwards, AKA Nakatomi Plaza, the Skyscraper from Die Hard. I was trying to drop a hint that this Skyscraper is not exactly what is seems. Sometimes I think Iím too clever for my own good.
Skyscrapers have office, commercial and residential uses so in essence, Larry does class it as his apartment building. Sorry for the confusion.

Quoted from Stumpzian
Given what he finds out at the end, I would expect Larry's floor-by-floor ascent to have more meaning. To me, it just seems pointlessly random -- a beautiful woman, an overturned water cooler, a humanoid figure, and Robbie the Robot from "Forbidden Planet," although Robbie is misidentified.

Robbie is simply the name he gives the robot, heís not from Forbidden Planet. I think I confused some people by having him do the impersonation from Lost in Space straight after but he also quotes Buck Rogers and Doctor Who. I should have called the robot Bob lol.

Quoted from Stumpzian

Small matter, I guess, but the tape you're talking about is not duct tape.

Iím curious, what is it then? When writing I did a search in google for ĎPolice duct tape do not crossí and it came up with images of the tape in question. Maybe itís a UK/US thing, Iím from the UK.

Quoted from Stumpzian

Overall, this has the feel of story that started with no ending in mind. I realize I may have missed some larger point.

I had a clear beginning, middle and end in mind when I wrote this but little time. I had Thursday night to write it and Friday to give it a read through for obvious errors. Maybe with more time and not being restricted with a shoestring budget or page length I could make this a lot better.


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Quoted from wonkavite
This one...?  Really strange.  It feels like the writer had the germ of an idea, and then ran with it without knowing how it would develop or end.  So it just got weirder and weirder... and eventually just got lost in the weeds.  Not for me, I'm afraid.  But certainly worth playing with after the OWC's over...

Thanks for the read and review. I did have a clear idea with this but very limited time to write it. No excuse I know, we all have limited time in the OWC. I thought Iíd done OK with it but I guess not.

Quoted from khamanna
It deffinitely gets points for imagination and subtleness.
In the end Larry has been shot and what we saw is an interpretation of what happened to him - I liked that reveal a lot.
What I did miss is an explanation of what happened and why he was shot. Even if he was on that floor by mistake and got shot by mistake, or just because he turned up to be an unwanted witness to something - we still don't know that and I think we ought to know. Unless I missed something. I didn't, did I?
He sees his mother at the end - she wasn't in the set up, so I think you better get rid of her and use someone from the set up in your final scene.

Iím so glad you like it and got what was going on. Larry was the victim of a random shooting, a senseless crime. I could have setup a reason, a motive etc. but that would have eaten up into the limited page length and in the end I thought, well random crime does happen and is it essential for this story to explain to the audience why Larry is dead? Sometimes people just die for no neatly packaged reason and I liked that, even though it seems morbid.
His mom at the end was to reinforce the idea heís at heaven and hopefully allow the reader to put all the pieces together. It would be hard to tie it into a character at the beginning as Larry is the only character, apart from the hot woman which would be weird if that was his mom!

Quoted from PrussianMosby

If there is not much happening in all those floors, except for Larry fighting his boredom, then cut it to a Minimum, or the viewer will turn off. The ending is nice and sweet.
It's overwritten for what it is. Just give us 7 precisely executed pages and you have a different pair of shoes here imo

I was way too good at getting the tedious element of going up 99 floors. In fact if JJ Abrams is thinking about doing a Star Wars movie about a couple of droids going up 99999 floors in the Death Star, IíM HIS MAN!
The lesson here for the next draft or next time is to make it more interesting early on. I think maybe the hot woman should have stayed in the elevator.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented on this, it has helped a great deal and this OWC has been a very enjoyable, if not somewhat humbling experience!


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DanC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I have 2 questions:

1.  How did you get everyone's quotes in one response?  I don't know how to do that.  And clearly, you can do that, since, well, you did that?

2.  In all the responses, 1 caught my eye, the WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH.  

That got me to thinking about the over description.  I think it's like sugar cereals.  Sure you like them, but, having too much of a good thing gets you sick of it.

In other words, if you save the over description for the most important part of the script, then it would really stand out b/c we haven't been desensitized by it.  

And yea, the one reference about Die Hard went totally over my head.  No one got it.

I think you and I both suffer from the "big reveal" issue.  We see it like old time TV would show it.  Sadly, we don't live in that time period anymore.  That was the main issue with my story too.  

I think the story would be good, but, it does need to be clearer.  I'm sure you can do it.  

As for extra dialog, you could introduce the oddball operator of the lift.  And you know, 99 wouldn't read heaven per say, 77 would be a better number.  Unless that's a UK thing

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from DanC
Mark,

I have 2 questions:

1.  How did you get everyone's quotes in one response?  I don't know how to do that.  And clearly, you can do that, since, well, you did that?

2.  In all the responses, 1 caught my eye, the WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH.  

That got me to thinking about the over description.  I think it's like sugar cereals.  Sure you like them, but, having too much of a good thing gets you sick of it.

In other words, if you save the over description for the most important part of the script, then it would really stand out b/c we haven't been desensitized by it.  

And yea, the one reference about Die Hard went totally over my head.  No one got it.

I think you and I both suffer from the "big reveal" issue.  We see it like old time TV would show it.  Sadly, we don't live in that time period anymore.  That was the main issue with my story too.  

I think the story would be good, but, it does need to be clearer.  I'm sure you can do it.  

As for extra dialog, you could introduce the oddball operator of the lift.  And you know, 99 wouldn't read heaven per say, 77 would be a better number.  Unless that's a UK thing

Dan


Itís a case of hitting the quote button on every response, cutting and pasting them into a word document and doing some editing. Itís not quick and mistakes are easy to make. If anyone knows an easier solution, then like Spock, Iím all ears.

For me Dan, every part of the script is important. Thereís a few great screenwriters out there who say everything in the script must mean something and I agree. To deliberately make certain parts of the script bland and mean less than others, just to make it easier for people who just want to scan the script as quick as possible; to me that is just wrong! Some people read the script and got it completely despite the slow beginning and my choice of descriptions, others didnít. Who is right? The frustrating answer is all of them, a lot of this is down to personal opinion.


Hell is level 66 (666) so the opposite off 66 is sixes upside down which is 99; heaven! Thatís the logic in my head anyway. I admit my mind is unlike any logical mind in all of mankindís existence; but the logic is there nonetheless.



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Gum
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Jumping into this late, my apologies. After reading your comments regarding the actual composition of the work, I gave it (another) go. This time I found it way more intriguing when I made a succinct comparison to a notable author; Robert Monroe. Actually, he (Monroe) wrote non-fictional content that really pulled you into his world.

That being; his worlds are 'Astral Planes' he frequented with precise skill and determination, at least he did before he passed on. It is even suggested by his closest friends and family that he actually set up his next (reincarnated) life, and escaped there to properly transcend.

Anyway, one of the most prolific things he spoke of was his ability to intercept recently disembodied souls, those who had died within minutes, hours, days, and even (sometimes) months after their release from the corporeal. He took it upon himself to (sometimes) assist those (lost, or confused) disembodied souls to find a way out and off this planet. But rarely did he ever achieve this task. He states that the astral (world) would suddenly change into a field of debauchery, an orgy of disembodied souls all wrapped in a twisted mess of gloom. Many times, the souls would leave their guide (Munroe) and just fall into the trap like a lamb to the slaughter.

You capitalized on something that many question, but are never really granted an answer to, and I believe you handled it with a surreal, interesting, and very nostalgic twist of events.  It was only by fluke I found the Munroe series and really became a stern advocate for his theories regarding ethereal entities, and their real and true journey through a gauntlet of tests in order to prove their worth before transcendence.  You achieved the same message here with only a few pages... crafty to say the least!

Now, I'm off to to dig through my Monroe series and get lost in (his) translation... Cheers!


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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from Gum
Mark,

Jumping into this late, my apologies. After reading your comments regarding the actual composition of the work, I gave it (another) go. This time I found it way more intriguing when I made a succinct comparison to a notable author; Robert Monroe. Actually, he (Monroe) wrote non-fictional content that really pulled you into his world.

That being; his worlds are 'Astral Planes' he frequented with precise skill and determination, at least he did before he passed on. It is even suggested by his closest friends and family that he actually set up his next (reincarnated) life, and escaped there to properly transcend.

Anyway, one of the most prolific things he spoke of was his ability to intercept recently disembodied souls, those who had died within minutes, hours, days, and even (sometimes) months after their release from the corporeal. He took it upon himself to (sometimes) assist those (lost, or confused) disembodied souls to find a way out and off this planet. But rarely did he ever achieve this task. He states that the astral (world) would suddenly change into a field of debauchery, an orgy of disembodied souls all wrapped in a twisted mess of gloom. Many times, the souls would leave their guide (Munroe) and just fall into the trap like a lamb to the slaughter.

You capitalized on something that many question, but are never really granted an answer to, and I believe you handled it with a surreal, interesting, and very nostalgic twist of events.  It was only by fluke I found the Munroe series and really became a stern advocate for his theories regarding ethereal entities, and their real and true journey through a gauntlet of tests in order to prove their worth before transcendence.  You achieved the same message here with only a few pages... crafty to say the least!

Now, I'm off to to dig through my Monroe series and get lost in (his) translation... Cheers!


Genius! Hey man, where were you with this brilliant description of my Oscar-worthy, multi-layered, metaphysical and downright bloody amazing script when people were poo-pooing my descriptions or saying it was a bit slow? Eh? EH? WHERE WERE YOU???

Lol!

Thanks Canis   Glad you got something out of it.

I now demand a recount!!

-Mark  




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Gum
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No worries, mateÖ anytime.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I now demand a recount!!


Lol, Iím with you on thatÖ as long as my (ahem) acid trip script is included in the remixÖ no?


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Grandma Bear
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Nakatomi Plaza...  Maybe this will turn into a John McClane story.  

After the first page, I'm thinking the writing could definitely be trimmed down. "A plastic cup with steaming hot black liquid". Why not write, a plastic cup with hot coffee?

Page 5. By now, I'm starting to feel my attention drifting because there isn't really much going on. Just Larry going slowly by every single floor. In my first two drafts of SLEEP, the readers giving me coverage had the same thing to say about my script. The same that could be said here. There's this sense of waiting and the main character isn't an active character. He's basically just reacting to stuff that is happening to him. He's not taking any action himself. I felt the same about Larry here.

IMHO, this story would benefit from fewer floors. Of course, then the title wouldn't make sense, but as far as the story goes, it would be better. Fewer floors. Fewer problems that could be better developed.

Sorry it's taken me so long to catch up with some of these.  

Good luck with the re-write.  


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