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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Broken Restraining Order - OWC
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  Author    Broken Restraining Order - OWC  (currently 2790 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Broken Restraining Order by 0 - Short, Crime, Drama - Celebrity Lori Kirkland believes she covers herself with caution, only to be trapped in an elevator with her stalker. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writing's not bad.  A few mistakes here and there, but definitely not bad for an OWC.

The problems here are the story, plot, action, and dialogue.  The characters aren't good by any means, either, but that's the least of your issues.

Story-wise, this is cliché, but worse, it's dull, with not surprises.

Plot plays out extremely straight forward...again, with no surprises or tension.

The action here is very unrealistic.  There's not a lot of action, so when it hits, it has to come off as believable, and in no way does it.

Dialogue is the real killer here, though.  It's just not remotely good, believable, or realistic.  Lots of exposition that reads very poorly.  For this kind of story to work, dialogue has to shine, or if nothing else, come off as believable.

Bottom line is that this needs to be spruced up quite a bit to be anything entertaining.

Tough challenge, so take my words as they're meant...to point out what needs attention.  Your actual writing is better than most, so that's a great start.  Now, work on story, action, and especially dialogue.

Best of luck going forward.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  May 24th, 2015, 3:55pm
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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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This one seems rushed. The story is weak, needs beefing up. The dialogue is heavy with exposition.

It has to be a 3 out of 10.


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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Writing this as I read it -- never a great idea.

But how do I know this is inside a medical office building, let alone the 8th floor?  Because the slugline says it?

A description would help.

Betty waits for the doors of the elevators to open. OK..
So there's more than one elevator... Good prospects here...

Then it goes all descriptive and nuts.

I lost it because you chose to talk about how everything looked instead of focusing on the action/

Vinyl floors, blank wallpaper, trash receptacle. A bank of
two elevators, each with lighted numbers above the doors. She
pushes the ï¿¿downï¿¿ button between them. Looks up at the
numbers. They seem to hang with no change.
She pouts and leans on one foot.
A face pokes around the corner of a the elevator from an
adjoining hallway. Then hides.
Bettyï¿¿s eyes widen in expectation.
The full face comes into her view: a

there maybe a point to this, but it'
's ridiculously long winded.
GET TO THE POINT.

Sorry, just found it too talkative and boring.
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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I found it boring to a point too.  Too much at the beginning with the descriptions.

Get to the elevator faster.  What's the old saying, arrive late at the scene, leave early.

It wasn't bad, but, it wasn't that good either.

5/10


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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Not a real compelling end (i.e., a dinner invite). Kind of left me - meh.  Some parts were well written. I have some suggestions in specific areas:


Quoted Text
A face pokes around the corner of a the elevator from an
adjoining hallway. Then hides.

Betty’s eyes widen in expectation.

The full face comes into her view: a pretty, oval face:
sunglasses, brimmed hat, shirt blouse collar turned up.


You never take the poke around the corner anywhere - so why have it? It's unnecessary action. I would just start with someone approached around the corner


Quoted Text
A small Crowd of Passersby gather for the elevators: an
Elderly Lady with a walker, her Female Attendant, doddering
Old Gentleman, Gentleman’s Spouse.


Your characters have dialogue later - CAP them here.


Quoted Text
LORI
I have a restraining order against
this man. Take him away. I don’t
every want to see him again.


This left me cold - like out of a detective TV series.  Too cliched.

Quoted Text

LORI
Thanks. What’s you name?


should be your name.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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A bit on the moderate side. Given the OWC, I don't mind a little exposition. At least it isn't too forced. However, I've read one too many now to just give a pass on over describing the decrepit conditions of cheap hotel buildings. Not when when we can get right to the story. Overall not a bad effort. Just middle of the road.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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The writing and the descriptions kept me going for the first two pages but as soon as the real action began I struggled with this. In all honesty, I thought the reveal was going to be someone was going to shout ‘CUT’ on page 5, then we’d discover the people in the elevator were actually actors filming an episode of a cheesy, over the top soap opera. This is how it read, to me anyway.

The ending wasn’t really an ending. I found this hard to get through. Sorry for the negativity. At least you completed the OWC and you do know how to write, just focus on developing the characters and story.

-Mark


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Way too straight a story line.  Celeb girl, stalker bad guy, handy dandy woman to save the day.  We've all been spoiled by the twist at the end, the reversal, the clever misdirection.  This has none of that and suffers for it.  The dialogue follows the story as too direct, too informational.  

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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As mentioned... there's no twist, nothing unusual... it should be less linear, e.g. end with a reveal that Betty is a stalker too!

Anything to spice it up a little...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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c m hall
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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The panic and helplessness of the passengers when they witness Lori being attacked is very well done.  The end works, I think, because it shows Lori acting impulsively, her gratitude makes her vulnerable again.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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I'm afraid I have to agree with pretty much everything Jeff said here. The writing isn't bad, but this is really dull. This one needs more kick all the way around. Dialogue, action and characters.

You are also misusing the BACK TO SCENE directions. No need to go BACK TO SCENE when we never left in the first place.

I'm sure you can rewrite this one into a more  intriguing piece. The story is there, you just need to entertain us better.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Rushed or fairly new to screenplay writing?

A tip. With something like the panic button, it would have been more dynamic to see her hand move before the button is mentioned. Then describe it lightly. Doing an insert, back to scene etc is a clunky way. But it's all stuff that can be fine tuned.

Either way I like the concept. A stalker, a lift, very claustrophobic - good potential. Good choice with the restraining order. It adds to the tension wiithout us knowing the backstory . I'e - it comes loaded which is alway the best way to start a script.

Your antagonist - he needs work. He starts off ok, aggressive, focused etc. what's he going to do? However, he then gets cheesy - Mr lover boy. Keep him sinister. That's what this script is about. A tight space, a sinister man and moment...with witnesses.

Let's think. He gets violent with the lady. Do the others help? Tension, conflict.

All the best, but with a lot of revision this concept has legs


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SteveClark
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This wasn't bad. It started off really well for me. You have good attention to detail in the opening scene. I felt I was there.  You had a decent, quick set up. You set the scene, intro'd everyone and its all a go from there. After that, it fell kinda flat for me. There really wasn't much action going down, and whatever there was was circumstantial to the situation really. It's just that nothing really jumped out at me here. Your ending was cute. Betty got to have dinner with her celebrity friend. Everyone's happy. It needs something more regarding plot and reveal. You put all those characters into the elevator, but the only one you really needed was Betty. If all those people are there you should have made them significant to the story in some way. Maybe the old man keels over and dies? Bad example, yes, but something more is needed here.

Steve


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paydirt
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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I think you could've done more with this.  Might have been able to build tension by hiding the identity of the stalker (from Lori and the reader) until the climax.   As it is, your nickel's spent on page 2. Could've had a little twist where Betty's the actual stalker and Cedric's just a fan, but because Lori's so on edge she freaks out on him.

There's a lot of exposition and the story's a bit cliché.  

As mentioned by others, some formatting (e.g. BACK TO SCENE) is off.  You also capped things like COMMOTION, but didn't cap some of your characters (e.g. security guard) when they were introduced.

It's always good to be able to complete a script when facing a hard deadline and you've got a story here, it just needs to be reworked and refined.  So good job and good luck.
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