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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Broken Restraining Order - OWC
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  Author    Broken Restraining Order - OWC  (currently 2792 views)
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 5:39pm Report to Moderator

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Cedric is over the top. Work on making characters a little more realistic.

Nothing got in the way of the read, so the writing is fine.

The narrative is kind of empty. Is this actress that famous that we automatically care about her? I've never heard of her or the series. We don't know anything at all about the main character: what she needs, what she wants, what she fears, what problems she faces. We get no satisfaction from her winning a dinner with this minor celebrity. I don't mean to be harsh, but what does the writer want us to take from this tale?

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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Way too long for the story you want to tell, I could argue all of this can fit into two pages. Psycho holds up some actress, another woman saves her, there's literally not much else here. On that end too, it's not very exciting or original, doesn't really push any boundaries or try to craft something new. That's not usually a problem but when the reader is ten steps ahead of the writer, it's never a good sign. Needs work unfortunately.
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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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You know what a saguaro is?
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I think it started out engaging but then ended up predicatble. You had more than enough pages to play with this demented guy, who you did well, and Lori, but when Lori said "No! No! When we get out of this, you’ll wish you’d never seen me!" you set up the play but never paid it off.
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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:43am Report to Moderator

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Good concept here, being stuck on an elevator with your stalker. Having the main character be a celebrity adds a little extra twist. I was disappointed how it played out, though. First, I thought you missed an opportunity to play on the mystery of who her stalker even is. She’s on the elevator with a crowd of people. If she knows one of them is her stalker, but not who, you’ve instantly grabbed my attention. Instead you had some guy barge into the elevator and pretty much say, “Get out of my way. I’m her stalker.”

After that, I couldn’t quite buy how easily he handles everyone. I know everyone else is women and old people, but there’s six of them. The impossibility of this comes through with the passage, “The(y) fumble for their cell phones. Cedric is too fast for them. He grips Lori in one hand and KNOCKS AWAY the phones with the other.” Is he knocking away six phones in one swipe? I guess if he’s a ninja… but then, a ninja would probably do something craftier than barge onto a crowded elevator. Actually, most people would do something craftier than that. If you were to keep it playing out this way, it would be a lot more believable to have just Lori, Cedric and Betty in the elevator. Either cut out the crowd or use them to build mystery/tension.

Finally, it all came to a close without much of a twist or surprise. There’s a saying that goes, a story should be about one of the most important/interesting events in your character’s life. I’m not a fan of hard-and-fast rules, but I think it applies here. Based on the set-up, I’m not even sure this was the most interesting thing to happen between Cedric and Lori. And based on how it ended, it doesn’t really seem like it’s over. He’ll go to jail for a bit, get out, and be fully capable of breaking the restraining order again. So in the end this struck me as more of an ‘incident’ than a story.

There is a story to be had here, though. I’d just work on the pacing and try to make the outcome a little more significant for the players involved.

Good luck with it.
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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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I have a feeling this writer is somewhat new.  There's the foundation for a fun story in here, but the characters come off very 2D as written.  (The stalker's too cartoony, and most of the other characters far too passive when he attacks Lori. It's like they just stand around casually and let it happen.)  Alot of the dialogue and interaction seems forced.  None of which is damning criticism; just an indication that it needs a bit of a polish before it's done!  
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Posted: May 30th, 2015, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Cedric and those phones...

For me this was an oddly monotone story with solid delivery. There was never an absence of tension, rather amazingly easy solutions to every problem presented. Void of subtext. Even the title is matter-of-fact.

Quick read, just not my type of stuff. Good effort though.
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Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:03am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

North Carolina
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I wish I'd thought of this idea - so rife with possibilities. A celebrity stalker on the elevator with the object of his obsession.

The commenters above hit the points I would make. I hope this capable writer agrees with them enough to give it another go. This draft is a good start.

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Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:47am Report to Moderator

Southeastern United States
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Technically, it was well-written, but there was no... "soul" to it. It was merely a few scenes in a longer script instead of a stand alone script. As for the ending, I was rooting for a beat down on Cedric, but it was just a macing and take away. This has potential for a longer script with refinement, but needs some work at the front and back ends. Best of luck.

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Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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A sweet story about becoming friends under specific circumstances. I enjoyed it throughout. I don't think it's ambitious enough for a realization. As a read, it's cheery and pleasant to me.

@ well, I'm really conflicted rethinking your stuff. Perhaps it's worth to film, if out of their friendship evolving, you'd focus more on solidarity and civil courage against those creeps. I know that you already started something like that as a Kind of sub-theme - bring it to the top. Show us the fateful difference between to look away and to help more intense.

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