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Writing's not bad. A few mistakes here and there, but definitely not bad for an OWC.
The problems here are the story, plot, action, and dialogue. The characters aren't good by any means, either, but that's the least of your issues.
Story-wise, this is cliché, but worse, it's dull, with not surprises.
Plot plays out extremely straight forward...again, with no surprises or tension.
The action here is very unrealistic. There's not a lot of action, so when it hits, it has to come off as believable, and in no way does it.
Dialogue is the real killer here, though. It's just not remotely good, believable, or realistic. Lots of exposition that reads very poorly. For this kind of story to work, dialogue has to shine, or if nothing else, come off as believable.
Bottom line is that this needs to be spruced up quite a bit to be anything entertaining.
Tough challenge, so take my words as they're meant...to point out what needs attention. Your actual writing is better than most, so that's a great start. Now, work on story, action, and especially dialogue.
Best of luck going forward.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
But how do I know this is inside a medical office building, let alone the 8th floor? Because the slugline says it?
A description would help.
Betty waits for the doors of the elevators to open. OK.. So there's more than one elevator... Good prospects here...
Then it goes all descriptive and nuts.
I lost it because you chose to talk about how everything looked instead of focusing on the action/
Vinyl floors, blank wallpaper, trash receptacle. A bank of two elevators, each with lighted numbers above the doors. She pushes the ï¿¿downï¿¿ button between them. Looks up at the numbers. They seem to hang with no change. She pouts and leans on one foot. A face pokes around the corner of a the elevator from an adjoining hallway. Then hides. Bettyï¿¿s eyes widen in expectation. The full face comes into her view: a
there maybe a point to this, but it' 's ridiculously long winded. GET TO THE POINT.
A bit on the moderate side. Given the OWC, I don't mind a little exposition. At least it isn't too forced. However, I've read one too many now to just give a pass on over describing the decrepit conditions of cheap hotel buildings. Not when when we can get right to the story. Overall not a bad effort. Just middle of the road.
The writing and the descriptions kept me going for the first two pages but as soon as the real action began I struggled with this. In all honesty, I thought the reveal was going to be someone was going to shout ‘CUT’ on page 5, then we’d discover the people in the elevator were actually actors filming an episode of a cheesy, over the top soap opera. This is how it read, to me anyway.
The ending wasn’t really an ending. I found this hard to get through. Sorry for the negativity. At least you completed the OWC and you do know how to write, just focus on developing the characters and story.
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Way too straight a story line. Celeb girl, stalker bad guy, handy dandy woman to save the day. We've all been spoiled by the twist at the end, the reversal, the clever misdirection. This has none of that and suffers for it. The dialogue follows the story as too direct, too informational.
The panic and helplessness of the passengers when they witness Lori being attacked is very well done. The end works, I think, because it shows Lori acting impulsively, her gratitude makes her vulnerable again.
A tip. With something like the panic button, it would have been more dynamic to see her hand move before the button is mentioned. Then describe it lightly. Doing an insert, back to scene etc is a clunky way. But it's all stuff that can be fine tuned.
Either way I like the concept. A stalker, a lift, very claustrophobic - good potential. Good choice with the restraining order. It adds to the tension wiithout us knowing the backstory . I'e - it comes loaded which is alway the best way to start a script.
Your antagonist - he needs work. He starts off ok, aggressive, focused etc. what's he going to do? However, he then gets cheesy - Mr lover boy. Keep him sinister. That's what this script is about. A tight space, a sinister man and moment...with witnesses.
Let's think. He gets violent with the lady. Do the others help? Tension, conflict.
All the best, but with a lot of revision this concept has legs
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This wasn't bad. It started off really well for me. You have good attention to detail in the opening scene. I felt I was there. You had a decent, quick set up. You set the scene, intro'd everyone and its all a go from there. After that, it fell kinda flat for me. There really wasn't much action going down, and whatever there was was circumstantial to the situation really. It's just that nothing really jumped out at me here. Your ending was cute. Betty got to have dinner with her celebrity friend. Everyone's happy. It needs something more regarding plot and reveal. You put all those characters into the elevator, but the only one you really needed was Betty. If all those people are there you should have made them significant to the story in some way. Maybe the old man keels over and dies? Bad example, yes, but something more is needed here.
I think you could've done more with this. Might have been able to build tension by hiding the identity of the stalker (from Lori and the reader) until the climax. As it is, your nickel's spent on page 2. Could've had a little twist where Betty's the actual stalker and Cedric's just a fan, but because Lori's so on edge she freaks out on him.
There's a lot of exposition and the story's a bit cliché.
As mentioned by others, some formatting (e.g. BACK TO SCENE) is off. You also capped things like COMMOTION, but didn't cap some of your characters (e.g. security guard) when they were introduced.
It's always good to be able to complete a script when facing a hard deadline and you've got a story here, it just needs to be reworked and refined. So good job and good luck.