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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  I Got The Shaft - OWC
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  Author    I Got The Shaft - OWC  (currently 2955 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I have to disagree with Dreamscale (again). There's actually some pretty good writing here, but (I'll give Dreamscale this, though) Justin's reaction to Heather being a killer seemed a little "off," Scary Movie-ish. Like Wes Anderson trying to do a thriller/slasher.

Code

Justin paces around the elevator, panicked.

                          JUSTIN
         Oh shit, I'm stuck in the elevator
         with a killer.

He screams.

                          JUSTIN
          Help.  Help someone.



A little too on-the-nose. I'd change it to "Oh shit" or leave it out altogether. Not how I (or anyone in the real world) would react in this situation. And I would use exclamation points. He's stuck in an elevator with a killer, for crying out loud!   Scream your lungs out, Justin! (Not you, Bieber.)

There are a few orphans taking up their own action lines. Try to fit everything on one line, or add at least one extra word so the orphan doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.

Also, why did she get back in? Just to kill Justin? Why didn't Justin get out, too? Afraid of heights or something?

Where did the gun come from? Don't they have security guards?   Sorry. seemed a little random. "I'm only pulling out a gun because I'm in a movie."

Grading method:

Walk This Way = A
Sweet Emotion = B
Dream On = C
Dud Looks Like a Lady = D
No More, No More = F



Dream Oooon! Dream oooooon! Dream on!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

This did and didn't work, so I give it a decent 7/10.


FADE IN:
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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was alright. I've been avoiding it as the title put me off. I thought it was going to be some awful sex comedy. Thankfully it isn't.

Not sure about the paint idea. Did he think she'd passed some bloke painting who flicked his brush at her? That isn't a euphemism.

I think there's a solid idea here. It didn't quite come to fruition. But it's not as far off as some might say.

It needs work, some editing and polishing. That said, there wasn't many scripts in this challenge that don't need any work. Apart from mine, obviously.

R




Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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I like this. Sure it needs work but it is shoestring budget, set in an elevator and itís entertaining.

I liked the characters, the way they acted, their dialogue. I guessed she was a hit woman quite early on but it didnít deter me.

Once she gets back in the elevator with the Ďpaintí on her face it starts to lose it a bit and the WTF moment does come out of left field but a polish could fix most of these issues easily. Itís like Mr. and Mrs. Smith but if they had just metÖand killed each other lol.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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EWall433
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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First the good. I like the concept and actually like how it ended. Both assassins dead and freaking the hell out of the first person to open the elevator. My main problems are with Justin. If heís a killer too, he doesnít really act consistently. At one point heís acting scared and shouting for help, then later heís alluding to how little Heather knows about him. In the end it comes down to, what is he even doing here? We know Heatherís here to kill someone in the building. But why is Justin here? Coincidence? If so, why does he care about what Heatherís doing? Why play with fire? If what sheís doing is any business of his, why wait until after itís done to intercede?

Iíd figure out Justinís role in all this. Maybe heís supposed to protect her target. Maybe theyíre both attempting to collect a bounty on the same target. Once you have that, rework the story with that knowledge, because right now Justin as a hitman feels random, even though itís hinted at
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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The writer seems to be offering a hint of what's to come early on when Justin asks Heather whether she'd had a busy day.

Heather: A killer.
Justin: Yeah, me too. Gotta get this job done...or my boss will kill me, too.

But there's not much more here to help set up the finale. I take it she's supposed to kill somebody, and Justin's supposed to kill somebody. The elevator stalls.

Heather climbs out, completes the job, returns -- maybe for the shoes, as someone else said, or maybe to stab Justin. She does so. Next, Justin shoots her.  Whether she was his original target, who knows? Whether Justin was her second target, who knows?

The script cruises nicely from Point A to Point Z. What's missing is some of the letters in between.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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You know, I rather like this one.  It's very simple and straightforward.  Not very fancy at all - but it works. When I read the blood description, I immediately cringed, thinking "vampire."  So assassin was actually a bit of a relief.  

As to plot points... I'm not 100% sure how a female assassin could use a broken elevator ruse to reach her target... why not just go straight to that floor?  Because disappearing temporarily through an escape hatch looks just as fishy.

That aside, nice work!  And definitely one that would be easy to shoot.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 5:01am Report to Moderator
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Wait, so, instead of going to the floor, she opened the latch and climbed there? I'm very confused now, where and when did she kill the other person? Also, no Tarantino? Ha, ha, ha. Maybe I'm just totally out of it right now but really, not even sure about anything that happened here. The elevator being the only location hurts the script (but it's part of the challenge), since every beat occurs OS, barring the ending. Really hard to connect with anything unfortunately.

Revision History (1 edits)
nawazm11  -  May 31st, 2015, 8:25am
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SteveClark
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This is a good one, mostly because I felt it was well written and smooth. The writer gives us little details about these two characters over the course of the story, but doesn't smash us over the head. Stuff like that just adds to the read, IMO. It helps the flow, and it gives  a neat visual. The characters actions sometimes get you to know them better than any dialogue can. This script does that.

Only nit was the ending. Didn't really do it for me, but where else could this one have gone really? It was entertaining and well written, and that's good enough for me at the moment.

Steve


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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I Got The Shaft

I read this yesterday and remember the twist of two killers. It's a generic one but you played it out solid. I have to say I like the characters and their interactions more than the structure of the plot, which is good, I believe...

The challenge is extremely hard this time imo and you showed you can take it successful.



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Iancou
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Has potential, but falls short and is too convenient with respect to the ending. With work, it could be fixed, but there is still the matter of falling too close to Prizzi's Honor.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Some decent lines, but not the best writing - somewhat awkward - the script feels too strict at times:

Justin sets his briefcase down and shuffles his papers in an attempt to straighten them.

The corner of Heather's mouth goes up as she huffs at that.

Heather wraps her long purse handle crossways over her shoulder.

She pulls a small compact mirror from her tiny purse still strapped across her.

This isn't a compete sentence, just a long adjective:

Justin still recovering from the shock.

The plot seemed incomplete, and the dialogue could've been better spent to invest in the plot. Not much else to add.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, thanks for all of the comments on my script - all of them.  Not sure if I will rewrite and put this out there.  I want to address some of the things mentioned in the reviews.  Since I have to explain some things, doesn't that mean the script needs work?  

1.  This was originally going to be a rom com and to be called Love in an Elevator.  That is why I chose the writer name Steven Tyler.
2.  Yeah, I had a little Mr. and Mrs. Smith in mind while writing this.
3.  Some questioned why Heather left the elevator.  The power went out, and she was there to do a hit.
4.  As to Justin, he was there to hit Heather.  
5.  The power going out was not in his or her control.  Just happened.  Both hit persons just improvised to the situation.  
6.  They didn't know each other.  She's there to kill someone, he's there to kill her and she doesn't know it.
7.  She realizes he's there to kill her when she she's the disorganized man's stuff neatly stacked in the corner.
8.  At first, I was going to have him live.  I changed my mind at the very end for a more WTF ending.
9.  I wish I had spent more time on it and some of the writing showed it.

Thanks again to all that read and commented.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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