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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  I Got The Shaft - OWC
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  Author    I Got The Shaft - OWC  (currently 2952 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Got The Shaft by Steven Tyler - Short, Drama - A geek and a beautiful woman stuck in an elevator.  What could go wrong? 7 pages - pdf, format


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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Another snappy little read.

The dialogue held up very well and the action lines were simple and succinct. The bumbling geek can be easily imagined, so too can the woman.

The interactions between them both was the strong point, for sure. It comes to a climax in the most unexpected way but it worked for what it was, I can imagine it and that's the strongest praise I can give.

As for who wrote it... I dunno, maybe bert? I always notice on his scripts that he has that bold title on the front page but who knows? Someone who knows his style better might rule that out.


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eldave1
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Captured the two characters well. The dialogue fit them. Style, format, action lines are well written.

Not a fan of how this played out. I am all for interesting twists - this one strayed way too much for me. In other words, it is not hard to have a surprise ending if there are no connected tangents in the story. This kind of felt like that to me. Yeah - I got the WTF moment at the end but it was more of a WTF this doesn't connect then a WTF - what a neat twist.


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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the "WTF" moment because it was random, that's just me though


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stevie
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah neat little script but the WTF is, well, not quite full on WTF but more of a...hmm WTF.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Being trapped in a lift with a deadly assassin - not a bad idea.

I think the getting out the lift, doing a job, then going back there seemed a tad of. Why do that?

I couldn't get why he was disgusted with a pretty simple question

The end did feel a little bolted on and without merit. Reminded me of pritzi's honor, I think.

The fact that he got the blood on the face also seemed a tad easy.

So for me, a few mechanics need to be worked on, but it has potential.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing in this but it went astray for me when she comes back to the lift... why doesn't she take another lift, or the stairs to escape... she's just ut herself back in a box, stuck, with her victime a few floors ahead,,,

The dialogue is decent though and whilst I saw the twist coming, it did work for me... though imho, it'd be better with Justin left alive.

Decent effort.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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LC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, yeah it's pretty good.

I too, do not understand why Justin is 'disgusted' (in description)  - I suppose it's a comment on her insensitivity with his papers strewn everywhere?

The gun with the silencer sorta came left of field for me - I expect that was meant to be a surprise reveal and it was - after all the clue's there in the dialogue about them both having a 'killer day'.

Justin jumps from the blood to the paint to the blood pretty quickly too, which makes him appear cluey and yet he actually came across as being not too bright imh which bugged me. I don't know, I'm undecided about this one, it seems to defy a bit of logic in terms of the character's actions...as others have noted. I still liked it just think it could be a bit more fleshed out.

Finally, though we've seen it before, the gun and the knife was a nice cinematic ending.


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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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I had to read stuff twice for the WTF moment.  I didn't like that at all.  there was no clue for that.

Why would she go back?  Why would he ask if she went pee?

It was interesting, it just didn't work for me.

8/10


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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't do it for me. I read this yesterday initially and didn't like it, thought it might be because I was tired and read it again today. However, I still do not like it. Very simple story, very little effort. I'm sure you'll agree.

4 out of 10.


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khamanna
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Two assassins stuck together in an elevator. But they are not really stuck - she got out. She left her shoes inside and came back - dont get that part. Did she comeback for the shoes maybe?
Did Justin get disgusted because she said an f word there? What a prune. But you mislead me well - he's a killer too, so good job with that.

I wish the characters were more what they are. Gve them some quirky lines maybe
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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, liked it enough, though not much by way of payoff.  Couldíve done with a little more tension/suspense towards the end.  The Ďkillerí dialogue at the beginning goes some way to informing us as to whatís going on and I appreciate the subtlety.  

One thing, subjective perhaps, but there seemed like a number of unnecessary action lines breaking up the dialogue.  Dialogue was done well and reactions can often be conveyed through this and without all the direction.  Trust your story and let the dialogue breathe.


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a little put off by her coming back and him not leaving.  Doesn't make a lot of sense.  In any case, it works to a point but if they're both killers why do they have to kill each other?  She did her job.  He didn't.  Unless his job was her.  In any case, it's a bit too pat.  

Best
Richard
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Simon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was good, but I thought the ending was a bit silly. It didn't seem too realistic to me. Two people at the same time? Not impossible, I guess. Get tired of Aerosmith? Only joking.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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The good news is that I read the entire script.  The not so good news is that this didn't work for me on any level, sorry to say.

The writing itself needs work.  It's dull, filled with asides, runs on way too long , and worst of all, has a silly feel to it.

Same with the dialogue.  Doesn't ring remotely real, and comes off like this is supposed to be a joke or something.

The story/plot/action all is as above...silly and unrealistic.

If this was played for laughs, it could have worked with some funny material interlaced throughout, but the end?  Oh boy...doesn't work for me at all.


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