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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  We Are Still Here - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Good story. Wendy and Tonia's reminisences are nice. Good touch having Agnes re-living the Skype call over and over since it makes her so happy.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey!

The pitch reads like drama, whatever, I like how you sell it.

p2 dialogue does not work well so far. It's too slow when me being in the room and watching her/them - verbal interaction has few balance just as.

Then last page contradicts everything in a positive way. Sure. However, I still would go along quicker, which makes the whole story experience more effective and balanced. Like… don't give us too much that feels wrong before saying this is clever, which it is btw. First and second act still have to work as an experience on their own and not a mere long trap which only works in reverse. Concept saved this in the end. Maybe only one page less and things look much better here. Is good though.

All best.



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MarkD
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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I was really touched by how wholesome this was. Great job.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read/reviews.  This was the simplest/easiest short I could come up with that could be shot during lockdown or during strict social distancing.

A family record a video conference call which they set to play on loop for an elderly relative who suffers for dementia and is in lockdown in a care home. It is so she has some company and isn't afraid, that's the intention anyway.

I wanted the conversation to be wholesome, funny and full of love. I also wanted to avoid tropes and cliches so I used real events of my past.

The blowing down the car exhaust and getting caught by mother - that was me. I did this and I got caught out in exactly the same manner as in the script. The stop button on the escalator and being asked to leave the store, also me.

The mayonnaise incident happened in a restaurant with my niece, Tonia. To this day it is the funniest thing I've ever witnessed in real life and we were still belly laughing about it hours later.

Finally, I wanted to get across a few things I'd like to say to my mother, Agnes if she were still alive. This was my opportunity to do so.

Some got this as is, others seemed to want it more obvious. There is always a dilemma in scripts in how much you show and how much you tell until you are confident the audience gets it. I believe I show enough in this but I may add a few more pointers to make it a bit more obvious as I want to avoid telling.

I think the easiest way to do this is the post-it notes on the wall. Thet are reminders for Agnes. I'll highlight some of them.  

Thanks again for all your thoughts. It is appreciated.


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