Good story. Wendy and Tonia's reminisences are nice. Good touch having Agnes re-living the Skype call over and over since it makes her so happy.

Hey!

The pitch reads like drama, whatever, I like how you sell it.

p2 dialogue does not work well so far. It's too slow when me being in the room and watching her/them - verbal interaction has few balance just as.

Then last page contradicts everything in a positive way. Sure. However, I still would go along quicker, which makes the whole story experience more effective and balanced. Like… don't give us too much that feels wrong before saying this is clever, which it is btw. First and second act still have to work as an experience on their own and not a mere long trap which only works in reverse. Concept saved this in the end. Maybe only one page less and things look much better here. Is good though.

All best.

I was really touched by how wholesome this was. Great job.

Thanks for the read/reviews.  This was the simplest/easiest short I could come up with that could be shot during lockdown or during strict social distancing.

A family record a video conference call which they set to play on loop for an elderly relative who suffers for dementia and is in lockdown in a care home. It is so she has some company and isn't afraid, that's the intention anyway.

I wanted the conversation to be wholesome, funny and full of love. I also wanted to avoid tropes and cliches so I used real events of my past.

The blowing down the car exhaust and getting caught by mother - that was me. I did this and I got caught out in exactly the same manner as in the script. The stop button on the escalator and being asked to leave the store, also me.

The mayonnaise incident happened in a restaurant with my niece, Tonia. To this day it is the funniest thing I've ever witnessed in real life and we were still belly laughing about it hours later.

Finally, I wanted to get across a few things I'd like to say to my mother, Agnes if she were still alive. This was my opportunity to do so.

Some got this as is, others seemed to want it more obvious. There is always a dilemma in scripts in how much you show and how much you tell until you are confident the audience gets it. I believe I show enough in this but I may add a few more pointers to make it a bit more obvious as I want to avoid telling.

I think the easiest way to do this is the post-it notes on the wall. Thet are reminders for Agnes. I'll highlight some of them.  

Thanks again for all your thoughts. It is appreciated.

UPDATE

I've removed the script as a Venuzwalen filmmaker who lives in Mexico has bought an exclusive two-year option on it. She spotted it right here on SS, so thank you yet again, Don for this amazing place! And doesn't it show how many lurkers we have on these boards?

Things have moved rather quickly since. I've spent a couple of weeks transferring the setting to Mexico and extending it to be a few pages longer. The filmmaker has then translated it into Spanish.

Two production companies are involved, the location picked and casting begins today. They are looking to begin filming as early as the 26th of July.

I am so excited!!

Great news Mark!

Oh congrats to you on it! It's a very good one. I remember it so well. And all of it! That's the power of a great story I guess.