SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 23rd, 2021, 1:39am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The 'something' is the September One Week Challange

scripts due to SimplyScripts.com/owc


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  57 percent Up - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    57 percent Up - May OWC  (currently 1699 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:34am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14970
Posts Per Day
1.98
57 percent Up by Bill Sarre - Short, Drama - Stuck at home because of Covid-19, a Blitz surviving pensioner makes the most of his nursing visits. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  December 3rd, 2020, 6:01pm
Logged
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1617
Posts Per Day
0.86
I liked this. Well written, good dialogue, nice little twist and reveal. Good work, writer. It does need some cleanup but quite good overall. Some might pick on your prose as unnecessary but I like a bit of prose thrown in every so often.

Good job - Congrats.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 27
ajr
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1475
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey writer,

So this was very well written, obviously by a Brit, and I enjoyed the very proper pace and tone and language. It did get a bit aside-y at the beginning, however that doesn't really bother me when it's done well, as it is here.

So, good twist, very clever how clever Reg really is. The only question I have is its connection to COVID. So this story could happen anywhere at any time, if not for the 8:00 pm clap. So I got a bit confused with how the FLASHBACK was written - Reg obviously spies on the nurse while she's upstairs, but does he take the credit cards while she's outside getting applause? That part really didn't flow for me.  If so, then COVID is well-used as a plot device, though it's a bit of luck that a thieving nurse comes around at just the right time for her bag to be unattended.

I thought you were going to shame the nurse with the applause (is she even a real nurse?), so good misdirection on that.

Nicely written and cleverly conceived -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Bayne
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.05
A solid story, nicely structured. The pacing and gradual reveal kept me hooked. No loose ends; it's a complete story with a satisfying ending. I sensed it coming, yet I was still curious to see exactly how the twist would be executed. You've also done some great world building here, establishing that the behaviors and motives of these characters are commonplace. That allows us to route for them despite their two-faced nature.

My only nitpick is the description "It’s like a scene from a movie where we expect a distant scream to break the silence". Since it's a scene description, you're already describing to us a scene from a movie... your movie. Something along the lines of "you'd almost expect a scream to break the silence" could work better, as it wouldn't distract readers from the current movie scene they're engrossed in.

Aside from that, well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6909
Posts Per Day
2.65
This will be a contender.

I thought the opening was a little over-described - but not to the point of annoyance

Great job. Well done.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 27
Gary in Houston
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1177
Posts Per Day
0.37
My take on this is that hits all the marks from a story perspective and has a pretty clever ending to it.  Pretty decently written as well, although I would say maybe a tad overwritten in spots, but not enough that it took me out of the read.

I like how you weaved the script’s title into the storyline.  For me, that’s important and the sign that the writer is really thinking about their work.  

Good job on this one. Best of luck with it.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
PedroS
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 2:58am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
48
Posts Per Day
0.03

Dear artist, thank you for presenting this work.

"Everything dated, everything faded", I bet you liked this one here as much as I do.
Overall nice writing style and beautiful laid out twist.
I enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:45am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1187
Posts Per Day
0.24
This was good. The dialogue was natural and the script, overall, was well written. I saw in other comments people saying the beginning part may have been over written... but the way I see it, it's a great way to draw out a beat in real time. Though I'd go with something other than that "scene from a movie" description line.

Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I got a little confused by the ending and had to go back because I felt like I missed something... but I didn't. So, he sees on his Ipad (nice set up by the way) Karen stealing his shit. I get that. What I was confused about was him hooking her purse with his cane, which I assume happened while she was preoccupied with everyone clapping. But it says he just took the credit cards... why didn't he get his cash back, too? Also, I wasn't sure if she was a real nurse or not... thought maybe she did something to Sarah. But, looking back, I assume that Reg robbed Sarah, too (which caused her not to be able to show up, hence Karen there).

Anyway, nice work here, cool twist!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 27
LC
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6075
Posts Per Day
1.28
His chair -  haha, picturing Marty's chair in Frasier here.
I don't think you need 'guess what' as a preamble on p.5 - And maybe tweak this line:

I’m sorry, she’s been with the
police today. Had something stolen,


This information is given a bit too soon and freely imh, plus she seems the type to use slang -
She's down the coppers, had something nicked, pinched or robbed.

Nit-picking here, just thinking a divide in dialogue might add colour.

Reg giving Karen the thumbs up would be very funny on film. Nice touch.

Nice work, solid writing... A little underwhelming for me but competently told and I'm warming to it the more I think about it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 27
_ghostwriters
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1230
Posts Per Day
0.27
My tuppence worth,

Hmmm.  The force is strong with this one, too.  Nicely done, but your probably looking for a bit of critique.  Ok.  

Everyone has given some great comments already.  The truth, not much to add.  I'd only be nit-picking. So...not going to reiterate what others have said.   The writing; I was drawing pictures in my mind through the descriptions and so forth.  Second, I luv the name Reg.   

I liked this too, just didn't love it.  But my spidey senses tell me this one will score well in the end.  My apology for the useless notes. -A

Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
khamanna
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 1:07am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Posts
4017
Posts Per Day
0.92
The writing and the dialog especially - all top notch.

The plot was a bit convenient. He was expecting a thief and he got her. Too much of a coincidence for me.
Also, I might have missed a few moments, but I think it's just me. Couple of things I didn't get. I might return to it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 7:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2226
Posts Per Day
0.73
Top-notch, excellent work and a great twist. It meets the criteria for me.

My only nitpick is it takes 4 pages to get interesting. Up until the nurse steals, this is quite a dull, although well written build up. I'd start later and get to the juicy bits sooner.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.27
My first read, as the weekend was a blur with pool, alcohol, and food.

I decided not to take any actual notes as I read, but as I comment, I do have the script open to go back to, if anything pops up I want to mention.

Overall, I'd say, "Not bad".  But, in saying that, I can't tell you honestly that I liked it or liked the writing.

Obviously a Brit here, with Brit slangs that shouldn't be included in descriptions and the like.  There are numerous examples of awkward phrasings.

Story-wise, it didn't do much for me, but I think that's most likely because of a few choices you made...

It's very obvious that Karen is a bad person, or just not who she seems to be, long before she robs Reg.  Now, maybe that's on purpose to highlight the "twist" at the end, but for me, it worked against your story and the read.

Reg may be a good character, but making him be 95 years old and having him speak the way he does, doesn't work for me.  Obviously, everyone is unique in real life and in fictional life, and there are very few times someone can say, "that would never happen like that", but Reg doesn't seem anywhere near 95 years old - and I don't think he needs to be or should be.  80, 85, sure, but 95 is a completely different thing (my Dad is 95 years old and probably easily in the top 1% in terms of health, mobility, and just being with it, but he's nowhere as young acting as Reg is).

The ending - yeah, I get it, it comes off as clever, but it just didn't do anything for me, as I didn't buy it.

I've read over the other comments and see that everyone really liked this, but I just can't be that lenient or excited.  For me, it's 1 of those that falls in the middle and will quickly be forgotten.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
470
Posts Per Day
0.10
Weak connection to the criteria, but since the virus is the only reason Karen is back on the job, it works. This is a solid turning-the-table story, but I'd maybe tone down Karen's decrepitudinous persona. She must have some redeeming quality. She gets what she deserves, but Reg is also a rat and quite smug about it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
The Moviegoer
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.07
I thought this was excellent.

The set-up for these characters to meet was interesting and the characters came across as believable. The dialogue was snappy but evocative. Reg asking her to make him a cup of tea was a nice realistic touch. The Blitz spirit talk foreshadowed the climax in a way that wrapped the story up nicely.  

It took a few nice twists and turns with both of them being thieves. The writer managed to get in Covid topicality with the clapping angle which was nice and novel. Karen’s awkwardness at the clapping was a nice piece of dramatic juxtaposition – she knows what she really is, and Reg is enjoying her discomfort.

The fact it’s inspired by a genuine statistic gives it a darkly subversive ring of truth when everybody is forcing positivity.

To nitpick, maybe the clapping could ring really loudly in her ears to dial up her discomfort in this scene. Also, not sure if it’s standard to put ‘Flashback’ on its own line but can be missed by the reader more easily at the end of a slugline.

Otherwise I thought this piece was pretty flawless.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2020 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006