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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Short Fuse - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Short Fuse - May OWC  (currently 2564 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Short Fuse by L. Chambers (LC) writing as Pandemically Motivated - Short, Dramedy - A young man believing himself to be on the brink of greatness has his dreams crushed when Covid-19 strikes. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 26th, 2020, 8:21am
revised draft
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. Liked the writing. Loved the characters and the story was great too. I have nothing to add. It works as is.  


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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A couple of thoughts, for whatever they're worth:

Overall, I think this is pretty strong. Good dialogue.. I was able to follow this without any problems.  If it's dramedy - sometimes I'm not even sure what dramedy means but it often seems to be a confusion between black humor and satire or an action comedy with not enough action and not enough comedy.   Some of the funnier moments were with Judy.

Ghost



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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was really good. I enjoyed the characters and especially enjoyed Toby's unique arch. When you flash to certain clues of what Toby's aspirations were, it was genuinely surprising. And I did become worried... even at the end, I was like "uh-oh"... but then I was hit with another, more satisfying surprise. Very nice work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work.

For me, the therapist needs to be throttled down just a notch. There were times where she came off cartoonish - you don't need that and I think it is a hiccup to the genuine thread of your story.

I'd also lose the cigarette - that ain't happening in 2020 (indoor office smoking)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Fantastic - A great message to the world about change told in a simple, yet effective manner.

Well done! I'd like to see this one made and sent out to the world.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the psychotherapist was over-the-top but other than that I liked the idea, the messaging, the tension, and I laughed when Toby fell over trying to do yoga. Nice job!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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haha, nice. It was very entertaining.
I don't know if he's planning to invent a vaccine now but that was very very good.
I laughed actually.
It should go under a comedy I think.
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Arundel
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thought it had more of a serious tone, aside from the psychiatrist. It had me generally worried at the end. The buildup was good and I suppose some of the conversation implying his terrorist leanings were done in a humorous way. Title fit.
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Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. The dialogues were nice. Loved Toby's character arc. The ending was very satisfying.  

Pretty well-written.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Just a few suggestions,

On the title page, no need to write the copyright statement. It leaves an impression on the reader that the writer is possessive and sorta boasting in a sense. Especially, writing for a contest/challenge, it is good practice.

And even if you were to write it, you should write it at the extreme bottom of the title page.


Quoted Text
SERIES OF SHOTS:

- In the KITCHEN, Toby takes batches of banana muffins from the oven. Breathes in their fresh-baked scent.

- In the LOUNGE ROOM, a Youtubeepisode of Yoga with Adrieneplays on a big-screen TV - Toby tries awkwardly to adopt a downward-dog pose, falls over.

- IN THE BEDROOM, Toby, pen poised over a notepad.A blank page below the heading reads: GRATEFULNESS JOURNAL.


Instead of 'series of shots', write 'quick montage' or simply 'montage'.

Quoted Text

JUDY
But that’d be BS. Lemme guess... You was always a high achiever. Before all this you was at the top of your game. You were going to set the world on fire, am I right?


I think it should be you were always a high achiever.

Overall a nice story.

Good luck.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Okay, damn you for making me like a story about an ISIS devotee! This is really a nicely done tale of a potential terrorist with no one to terrorize, and how he copes with the situation.  A lot of  humor to be mined (ha!) from that and you did a good job with it.

I'm was on the fence about the therapist.  I think she was almost too over the top for the tone you were originally going for in the story, but I think it worked out okay.  And the ending was especially a great turn, although mortar rounds as fireworks? Not sure that they would explode in the air since that's not their purpose, but that's just nitpicking.  Overall, great job.  Best of luck.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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PKCardinal
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was excellent.

The therapist character was definitely riding the edge. But, you're writing a dramedy, so you needed the comedy to come from somewhere. And, I'm not sure this works if the therapist is played straight. So, in the end, I think that was probably a good call.

Well done.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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JEStaats
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Thank you for not going down the path I thought you were going to take. Loved this - great job. Loved the L.I. accent and making this feel real. Jersey-born, here.

Nothing much else to say. Nicely done and thanks for entering!

EDIT: So I just went back and read the reviews of others and was surprised to see that peeps thought the therapist was a little over the top. Come on, people, she's an online/internet psychoanalyst doing skype therapy from Long Island! Spot on. Don't change a thing. And this is not my entry, either.
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Rob
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a big fan of Judy. "Snaffle" and "piffle" are excellent words to add to my vocabulary. A nice contrast between characters in this one.
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