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Short Fuse by L. Chambers (LC) writing as Pandemically Motivated - Short, Dramedy - A young man believing himself to be on the brink of greatness has his dreams crushed when Covid-19 strikes. 6 pages - pdf format
Overall, I think this is pretty strong. Good dialogue.. I was able to follow this without any problems. If it's dramedy - sometimes I'm not even sure what dramedy means but it often seems to be a confusion between black humor and satire or an action comedy with not enough action and not enough comedy. Some of the funnier moments were with Judy.
This was really good. I enjoyed the characters and especially enjoyed Toby's unique arch. When you flash to certain clues of what Toby's aspirations were, it was genuinely surprising. And I did become worried... even at the end, I was like "uh-oh"... but then I was hit with another, more satisfying surprise. Very nice work.
Thought it had more of a serious tone, aside from the psychiatrist. It had me generally worried at the end. The buildup was good and I suppose some of the conversation implying his terrorist leanings were done in a humorous way. Title fit.
On the title page, no need to write the copyright statement. It leaves an impression on the reader that the writer is possessive and sorta boasting in a sense. Especially, writing for a contest/challenge, it is good practice.
And even if you were to write it, you should write it at the extreme bottom of the title page.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
- In the KITCHEN, Toby takes batches of banana muffins from the oven. Breathes in their fresh-baked scent.
- In the LOUNGE ROOM, a Youtubeepisode of Yoga with Adrieneplays on a big-screen TV - Toby tries awkwardly to adopt a downward-dog pose, falls over.
- IN THE BEDROOM, Toby, pen poised over a notepad.A blank page below the heading reads: GRATEFULNESS JOURNAL.
Instead of 'series of shots', write 'quick montage' or simply 'montage'.
JUDY But that’d be BS. Lemme guess... You was always a high achiever. Before all this you was at the top of your game. You were going to set the world on fire, am I right?
I think it should be you were always a high achiever.
Okay, damn you for making me like a story about an ISIS devotee! This is really a nicely done tale of a potential terrorist with no one to terrorize, and how he copes with the situation. A lot of humor to be mined (ha!) from that and you did a good job with it.
I'm was on the fence about the therapist. I think she was almost too over the top for the tone you were originally going for in the story, but I think it worked out okay. And the ending was especially a great turn, although mortar rounds as fireworks? Not sure that they would explode in the air since that's not their purpose, but that's just nitpicking. Overall, great job. Best of luck.
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
The therapist character was definitely riding the edge. But, you're writing a dramedy, so you needed the comedy to come from somewhere. And, I'm not sure this works if the therapist is played straight. So, in the end, I think that was probably a good call.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Thank you for not going down the path I thought you were going to take. Loved this - great job. Loved the L.I. accent and making this feel real. Jersey-born, here.
Nothing much else to say. Nicely done and thanks for entering!
EDIT: So I just went back and read the reviews of others and was surprised to see that peeps thought the therapist was a little over the top. Come on, people, she's an online/internet psychoanalyst doing skype therapy from Long Island! Spot on. Don't change a thing. And this is not my entry, either.