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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Short Fuse - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Short Fuse - May OWC  (currently 516 views)
Spqr
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Good characters and dialogue. The story is fun and the ending fitting. Even the name "Toby" fits the neutered would-be terrorist. You get the feeling Judy's great spiel is the same one she gives to everyone. You'd have a hard time getting anyone to buy into this feel-good fantasy, but it was well done, nonetheless.

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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I am not a fan of the opening Slug.  So dull and generic.

"A fifth-floor walk up on the West Side of NYC." - Thank you for telling us this, as no one would know it, considering we're inside this apartment.

Need a comma between "quick" and guide".

So, when Judy appears onscreen, which you do state, you really should have "ON SCREEN" or the like, but I guess I'm being overly picky.

"Heavy make-up, bouffant hair, matching red lips and nails and dripping in gold bling she hurriedly extinguishes a cigarette, waving away a haze of smoke." - Get rid of "she' and replace it with a comma.

Cap all nicknames used in dialogue - "darling" - You're using it as a name, so Cap it - "Darling".

The end.  I can't help but like what you've done here.  Personally, it's hard for me to say that, as I don't find humor in ISIS, but somehow, you've managed to not only make this funny, but in the end, touching even, which is very rare.

On screen, I don't know how well this would play out...or be received, as it's mostly talking heads, but on paper, it's well conceived and delivered.

I give you credit, as this will be remembered.  Good job.

****


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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The Moviegoer
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is very black humour. Reminds me of ‘Four Lions’ a bit. It definitely demands suspension of disbelief that this guy’s worldview would be changed by this quack psychotherapist but some of the moments, e.g. the gratefulness journal, bring a wry smile. The psychotherapist’s patois was amusing but maybe a little overcooked. The story was strangely optimistic which brought an interesting light touch to such a dark theme. Well-written and definitely a memorable story.  


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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An ISIS bomber in an existential crisis due to empty roads - cool idea.

The slapstick nature of this allows the ending, otherwise it’s too much to buy. But we can.

The psychotherapist is both over the top, and seriously unlikely, but actually key to this working. At first I though she was too much and step too far, but then again the whole thing is really, so we suspend our disbelief.

And in his change he finds a new belief.

Good effort.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JEStaats
Thank you for not going down the path I thought you were going to take. Loved this - great job. Loved the L.I. accent and making this feel real. Jersey-born, here.

Nothing much else to say. Nicely done and thanks for entering!

EDIT: So I just went back and read the reviews of others and was surprised to see that peeps thought the therapist was a little over the top. Come on, people, she's an online/internet psychoanalyst doing skype therapy from Long Island! Spot on. Don't change a thing. And this is not my entry, either.


I re-read = and you swayed me to your side on the over the top thing. I would perhaps go for a just a little bit more modernization - parts of her dialogue and behavior had the vibe of a 1950s  diner waitress rather than someone who was 20 years old in 1980.  Just a couple of places here and there - but, I still your main point is correct. My mind has been changed


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanna say thanks to you all and add a few comments, now that I can.

The idea for this came about cause I was recalling in the early days of lockdown how everything looked like a ghost town. Eerie and surreal. I got to thinking about a character with a nefarious plan and what it would be like if nobody actually turned up.

Pia, thanks for kicking things off. So pleased you liked it.

Ghostie, I hear you re the genre of dramedy.  The thing in my mind was balancing serious subject matter with comedy. If I called it a comedy it probably wouldn't meet expectations.

Dave, AJR, and the rest of you who were on the fence regarding Judy being a bit over the top... Yep, she intentionally is. I knew I was walking a fine line here in pulling it off but I needed Judy to act as the comedic, somewhat oblivious foil to Toby, or else it would be too grim.

Thank you, JE! I was so close to commenting on my own entry but knew I'd blow my cover. You said exactly what I was going for. I envisaged Judy as quintessentially Long Island. She works from home, hence the ciggy and sly drink. I'm very happy that Judy read authentically to you. Estelle from Friends (Joey's Agent) was the inspiration for Judy.

Mark, wow. What a comment.

Yuvraj, thanks for weighing in. The Series of Shots is a stylistic choice. They're quick shots. I tend to save Montage for longer scenes like RomComs overlaid with music.

Regarding your comment on fixing Judy's grammar in dialogue -  it's written that way intentionally. If all of our characters spoke with perfect grammar we'd have no distinctive characters imho.

Jeff,Cap all nicknames used in dialogue - "darling" - You're using it as a name, so Cap it - "Darling".
... For a moment there I actually thought you were calling me darling.  
I gave this proper consideration and you got me thinking cause I like to get this stuff right. Turns out terms of endearment fall under a different category to nicknames:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/are-nicknames-capitalized

Anyway, I won't thank everyone individually, it's not a bloody Oscar speech. I'm just happy most of you enjoyed this and appreciated the humour, and the ending.

Soon to be the proud owner of a mug, and thrilled.


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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 10:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from LC
Just wanna say thanks to you all and add a few comments, now that I can.

The idea for this came about cause I was recalling in the early days of lockdown how everything looked like a ghost town. Eerie and surreal. I got to thinking about a character with a nefarious plan and what it would be like if nobody actually turned up.

Pia, thanks for kicking things off. So pleased you liked it.

Ghostie, I hear you re the genre of dramedy.  The thing in my mind was balancing serious subject matter with comedy. If I called it a comedy it probably wouldn't meet expectations.

Dave, AJR, and the rest of you who were on the fence regarding Judy being a bit over the top... Yep, she intentionally is. I knew I was walking a fine line here in pulling it off but I needed Judy to act as the comedic, somewhat oblivious foil to Toby, or else it would be too grim.

Thank you, JE! I was so close to commenting on my own entry but knew I'd blow my cover. You said exactly what I was going for. I envisaged Judy as quintessentially Long Island. She works from home, hence the ciggy and sly drink. I'm very happy that Judy read authentically to you. Estelle from Friends (Joey's Agent) was the inspiration for Judy.

Mark, wow. What a comment.

Yuvraj, thanks for weighing in. The Series of Shots is a stylistic choice. They're quick shots. I tend to save Montage for longer scenes like RomComs overlaid with music.

Regarding your comment on fixing Judy's grammar in dialogue -  it's written that way intentionally. If all of our characters spoke with perfect grammar we'd have no distinctive characters imho.

Jeff,Cap all nicknames used in dialogue - "darling" - You're using it as a name, so Cap it - "Darling".
... For a moment there I actually thought you were calling me darling.  
I gave this proper consideration and you got me thinking cause I like to get this stuff right. Turns out terms of endearment fall under a different category to nicknames:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/are-nicknames-capitalized

Anyway, I won't thank everyone individually, it's not a bloody Oscar speech. I'm just happy most of you enjoyed this and appreciated the humour, and the ending.

Soon to be the proud owner of a mug, and thrilled.


Twas a really good script Libby  - make sure you post a pic of that mug!

PS - I reversed course on your therapist - JE showed me the error of my ways


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby,

Great idea and great script.

So yeah she is over the top, however I guess it's possible that he came upon some dime store 1-800 quack of a fortune teller posing as a psychotherapist, and at that point she's already ringing up his credit card, so the advice may as well be entertaining.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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LC
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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AJR, yes, a likely route.  

And Dave, yep, I did notice that swing around and was very happy to see your comment.

Mug photo, hmm...
Let's hope the post gets it here sometime this year. Everyone shopping online during Covid has meant here it's been at a slower than snail pace lately.

Thanks for your further comments, guys.
Suffice to say I had a good time this round.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 11:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from LC


Jeff,Cap all nicknames used in dialogue - "darling" - You're using it as a name, so Cap it - "Darling".
... For a moment there I actually thought you were calling me darling.  
I gave this proper consideration and you got me thinking cause I like to get this stuff right. Turns out terms of endearment fall under a different category to nicknames:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/are-nicknames-capitalized



I read the article.  I do not agree, but then again, the example it shows, is not like what we're talking about here, using a nickname/term of endearment, as substitution of an actual name, in talking to that person.

The example shows something that I don't think many peeps would say, as the term of endearment is usually intended for that person, who is endeared.

BUT...I did like your script!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff, forget the nickname thing. There's two articles here and they talk about not getting the two confused.

This example is what we're talking about:

Don’t Capitalize Terms of Endearment
...Terms of endearment aren’t capitalized. For example, let’s say you call your husband "honey." You might walk in the door and say “Honey, I’m home,” but you wouldn’t call your sister and say, “When I got home, honey was already making dinner. What a guy!”

A term of endearment isn’t interchangeable with a name (the same way a nickname is), and terms of endearment aren’t capitalized
.

That said,

Chicago’s preferred style has always been to lowercase pet names... but (then they concede) you can’t go wrong unless you’re inconsistent, since the issue is guided by preference rather than rule.

So, they seem to be having it both ways by saying it's also about preference/consistency.

I was going to say we'll have to beg to differ but we can both be correct it seems.  

Very pleased you liked the script btw.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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[quote=LC]

[i]Don’t Capitalize Terms of Endearment
...Terms of endearment aren’t capitalized. For example, let’s say you call your husband "honey." You might walk in the door and say “Honey, I’m home,” but you wouldn’t call your sister and say, “When I got home, honey was already making dinner. What a guy!”

/quote]

But, Libby, look at the example your quoting - it is not what we're talking about, as it is not someone using the petname, nickname, term of endearment, to who they are placing it on, in conversation.

Just saying...



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Huh? Not to beat a dead horse, but...

There's three examples:

Darling, good morning.
Save the snaffle, darling.
I think you have a very bright
future ahead of you, darling

All used by Judy as an endearment.
What am I missing?



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  May 26th, 2020, 10:42pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2020, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from LC
What am I missing?


Not sure, but we are not in agreement.

There is absolutely no reason to Cap a nickname, but not a term of endearment, which is rally just a nickname.

No big deal, though.



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