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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  OK Boomer - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OK Boomer - May OWC  (currently 281 views)
PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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The characterization is pretty strong in this one. Some good dialogue and nice relationship-building in a short time.

With a cleanup on the issues mentioned in other reviews, this could be strong.

Mick's reactions weren't believable. First, you'd think he'd most concerned about someone in his house... especially given that he's immune. If you go back for a rewrite, look to make his actions more consistent with what you know to be true: he's immune. Maybe Danny thinks the old man is scared because of the virus, but finds out he's wrong.

In fact, it could be kind of interesting if Danny thinks Mick is scared, but Mick just isn't... which is confusing to Danny. He should be scared. Why isn't he? Answer: He has nothing to lose, and only company to gain.  Which helps your ending: "Why would Mick want Danny to stay in the end?" He's more bored than he is scared.

All you need to make that work is a moment of connection between the two.

One last nit to pick: the test kit felt way too convenient. I'd recommend Mick use his knowledge (gained from watching his wife die from the disease) to convince Danny of what the young man probably knows is actually true: he has it. Mick: "I know what COVID looks like. Watched it take my wife. Started with a cough, just like yours." Not that, specifically, but you get the idea.

Good luck. Hope you do a rewrite. And, I hope you share it here if you do.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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We're off to a very poor start - title doesn't make sense to me, opening Slug is very generic and poor, and then we jump into a 7 line passage.  Oh boy...

OK, I read it all.  So many problems.  Slugs are poor and wrong in many places.  Dialogue, actions, reactions, interaction all completely false and unrealistic.  Story is almost nonexistent.

Doesn't do a thing for me, sorry to say.

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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Formatting issues aside, I liked this. The characters pulled me through the story. You had something to say but rather than have on the nose dialogue, you wrapped it into the story and weaved it around the characters.

That's how you do it!

Meets the criteria as well, good job.  


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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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There's a good lesson in this--be careful who you deal with. I liked the contrast in perspectives and patience levels. I appreciate the fact that Mick was generous with his home. It seemed a little convenient that Mick had a testing kit in his house. Where can the rest of us get hold of one? An appropriate script for the times.
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The Moviegoer
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Was fun. First draft ran a bit over hence the bunched description. Just to clear up some confusion: a press is an Irish term for a cupboard, and semi-detached housing is a common type of build in Ireland/UK where 2 houses are joined together in 1 building.

https://abriefshadow.weebly.com/


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