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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  OK Boomer - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OK Boomer - May OWC  (currently 280 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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OK Boomer by Carmel - Short, Drama - Amid lockdown, an unlikely couple are forced to endure each otherís company. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Try to think of your paragraphs as camera shots on screen. Break each shot up. Ideally, never have more than four lines of action lines in one paragraph.

You can also tighten up your writing by using very specific words instead of long descriptions. Remember, in screenwriting, you want to use as few words as possible to say as much as possible.

What's a top press?

You can get rid of the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages.

Mick/Mike...

Finished. I liked the story a lot. A'hole Danny gets his. A character arch in six pages! Well done. Irony and drama here. Very good. You just need to tweak your screenwriting style some as it looks like a prose writer just starting out with scripts.  


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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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This one was just okay for me, I guess. After Danny gets away from the cops and enters the house, not much else happens. It was nice to see them bond, I guess, coming from two very different generations years apart. But Mick seemed more concerned about Covid than he did about a stranger breaking into his house. And then, it turns out that Mick is immune (or at least he thinks he is)... so why was he so concerned about Danny keeping his distance at the beginning?

I know there wasn't much time to finish this, so I congratulate you on getting this finished by deadline. But the writing can definitely be tightened... it did feel rushed, the progressions of the story AND the writing itself. The action lines in particular can be much tighter by cutting out redundancies in description. And scene headings need to be utilized better... we're taken to different locations but the scene heading stays the same a few times.

Anyway, it was a nice effort.


Quoted Text
DANNY, 19, races down a road in a deserted housing estate.
He checks over his shoulder. We see his pursuers - 2
policemen, both wearing oxygen masks. Theyíre gaining
ground. Danny accelerates around a corner. He spots a door
of a semi-detached house open. There are bins with the lids
open in the small front garden. Danny breaks hard, goes in
through the door, shuts it. The policemen race by.


This is a bit of an eye-sore to open your story with. You can definitely chop this down and break it up into separate action lines as focus of action changes. You already have HOUSING ESTATE in the scene heading, you don't need to mention it again in description - it's redundant. I would recommend having a brief description of the housing estate... I'm really not sure what I'm looking at or where our characters are. Also, characters should be capitalized when introduced, even bit characters. And, especially with DANNY, a character description other than age would be nice. Even a word or two to capture his essence.

Also, if he's at a semi-detached house, that would be another location... though I'm not sure what a semi-detached is or looks like.

EXT. HOUSING ESTATE - DAY

DANNY, 19, brief description, races down the street on the deserted property, running away from --

TWO COPS wearing Covid masks, in hot pursuit, chasing after him on foot.

Danny dashes around the corner as they continue to gain ground, spotting a --

SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE

Its front door opened, Danny rushes past empty bins on the front garden and enters.


Or something like that.


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - DAY
Danny stands with his ear pressed to the door listening for
their footsteps to recede. He turns around to see MICK, 80,
coming out of the kitchen carrying two tied bags of rubbish.
Mick freezes in his spot when he sees Danny.


Hmm... I thought he already entered the house? Is there another door? I'm really confused as to what I'm looking at here and what the situation is. Is he inside the house? Apparently, that's what the scene heading says. But where in the house are we and what door does he have his ear pressed against?


Quoted Text
DANNY
Like tinned vegetables, yeah?
(slams press shut)
Fuck sake. Anything decent to eat.


Need a question mark there.

PAGE 2 - Why would Danny leave him alone out there? And why wouldn't Mick call the cops?


Quoted Text
DANNY
Not make one for me, no?


Think this is a typo.


Quoted Text
MICK
Iím allowed move around in my own
home i presume.


Another typo.

-- Michael



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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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The action blocks and descriptions are less than optimal. They are a bit dense and a bit clunky and in some cases not quite clear. As an example in your opening header you are outside of a house and then weíre down a road and itís not really clear if we have changed scenes or not.


Quoted Text
DANNY
Relax, would ya? I donít have it.

A bit off point for me Ė wouldnít the man be backing up because a stranger just busted into his house?


Quoted Text
MICK
Iím allowed move around in my own home i presume.

I not ď IĒ

So, the writing needs work Ė itís not crisp and clean, but that is relatively easy to learn. The story-telling is good so kudos on you because that is very hard to learn.  
Somehow I think they should have had a chat about why he busted in the house.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Gary Howell
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I guess if youíre going to have a story titled ďOK BoomerĒ then maybe use that in the script somewhere to make it relatable.  Although Iím not sure it would work here as Mick really isnít a boomer.

My feelings on this is it is a bit overwritten.  Youíre very heavy on the action lines.  Itís not that theyíre badly written, itís just too much of it.   Others have mentioned it so I know youíre already getting this message.

I guess Iím curious why Mick would be so willing to allow a criminal to just squat in his house for two weeks.  Seems to turn the switch a little too easily. Also, if Mick thinks heís immune, why does he worry about the milk after Danny has drunk some.  And why would Mick stay in the house while Danny is going to the bathroom?  Seems like the perfect opportunity to leave.  I mean, whatís Danny going to do if Mick does leave?

The ending does seem to come a little too easily, but it does at least try to tug at the heartstrings a little bit.  A nice go at the contest, just try editing this down some, maybe fix some of the logic holes, and youíll have a pretty decent story.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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PedroS
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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Dear artist, thank you for presenting this work.
You have there an interesting dynamic between the characters that could have been played out better if you hadn't describe every single thought and step in detail. Leave some place for the reader or the audience to count 1 and 1 together and figure it out on their own. I like the insert of the wife's fate, though. Nice dramatic element. However keep on doing your work and leave place for imagination
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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So I like the idea of this, and it feels like the first 6 pages of a larger story. You can certainly see this as being the opening of a FINDING FORRESTER different-worlds type relationship, explored over the 2 weeks of Danny's sickness. And then there would be the tension of how sick he gets and whether he survives.

At no page count you could also deliver the story of Mick's wife over the course of the film, instead of having it jammed into bite-sized exposition.

I guess my point is that there is too much "story" here for 6 pages, but the good news is that while in this form it doesn't quite hit the mark, once you can rewrite this unfettered, there is a lot of room for exploration.

There is however a bit too much ghost in the machine here. You need to find a different way to find out if Danny is positive. Or, just assume he's positive. Or, the tension of whether he is or isn't, as he gets sicker. And having Mick be immune? I don't know if that adds or detracts from the story. Maybe the tension of whether Mick gets it is worth exploring as well? Maybe his wife passed, and had the symptoms but didn't get tested, and wasn't classified as a COVID death?  Again, my point is that the McGuffin test kit works against you here.

Interesting, and worth exploring, for sure -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Need to lose the police And the chase to satisfy the requirement I think.

So why were they chasing him? For not wearing a mask? I think it should be in there.
The dialog is good but better lose all the camera direction

So Micks wife is dead from covid and he didnít catch it and scared of other people? Thatís had to be played out and talked over

Overall it was pretty good as I enjoyed their chat.

Is too press some kind of juice making technique btw?
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Arundel
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, I thought the cops were chasing him cause he was a thief. Later Mick hints at that: "Yeah, I know what you'd be doing." (sic). Hence, robbing.

Liked the title. I kind of get what it implies (young and old).
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Bayne
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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You did a really great job developing these characters. I was invested in both of them, curious to see where the story would take us.

Unfortunately, I was underwhelmed by the ending. I didn't feel that any of the character elements you introduced had a payoff (such as Dan being on the run, or Mick suffering the loss of his wife). It was sweet that they decided to stick together, but the conclusion felt incomplete to me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but ultimately, it feels like there's way more to the story than we're getting. Perhaps a final line from one of the characters would help wrap it up?

I did like these characters though, so great job on that front.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Nods of agreement to most of the comments above, the story seems fine tho' itís way too convenient, you made everything easy for Danny, no real obstacles, even the ending was pretty anti-climatic... It just felt incomplete. That's it. Good effort.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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Payoff towards the ending was not that good.

The actions were written in big chunks, which is not a good sign.

Dialogs were pretty nice.

Characters were redundant at the very least.

Overall decent but could have been better.

Good luck.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Now, I like that.

Ok, I am sure we can find holes in this, and itís perhaps a bit contrived, but itís warm.

I donít normally comment much on format but you used continuous in a bathroom scene, didnít seem right

Given a polish and some time to breath, Like the wine, I think this could be a great little script.


My scripts †HERE

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JEStaats
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Good little story that a lot of revision (caps, spelling, grammar, and over-written action) could make great. Fairly realistic dialogue and backstory too. Was this written in a rush? Take some time after this is over and you'll have a winner.

Nicely done - thanks for entering!
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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I like this one a lot. Danny and Mick were quite believable. The only thing I might tone down is Mick's apparent fear of infection at the beginning. When Danny learns that Mick is immune, maybe he asks why he's been so skittish, and Mick says something like: "Some people are more dangerous than the virus."
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