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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  I'll Be Seeing You - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    I'll Be Seeing You - May OWC  (currently 378 views)
The Moviegoer
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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This was nicely written with good vivid descriptions.

It was quite moving – sentimental but with an authentic feel that stops it becoming mushy or saccharin. It has a believable air about it. Henry comes across as a likeable sort.

The line at the end where he says ‘I told you I’d bring you home’ seemed a bit off-note. It seems glib and almost a bit comic and out of keeping with the rest of the story. Maybe you could change this line or have him say it but then have him burst out crying in the car alone or something. Or he sings the song and chokes on the lines as he wells up.

Also, why did the woman take a picture of him? I thought this would be a plot point but it was ignored. Would agree that the nurses just rolling her out of the room came across as a bit unnecessarily cold.

Overall an enjoyable slice-of-life story.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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I'm not crying, you're crying!!

I do actually have tears in my eyes. That was wonderful and so sad.

Well done writer, well done.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dan_P
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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The writing itself is very solid and it didn't drag or throw me off at any point.

I must say I didn't feel too much at the end, probably because I could sort of see where it was going. But that might be only because that type of story is just very real right now. I liked the fitting, sober tone of the writing, and the drama felt tangible (just the part where the nurses wordlessly wheel her out of the room seemed a bit movie-ish). So, while there were no surprises, I still found it compelling due to the writing and tone, and overall think this is well done!
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. I don't like feeling this way when I read work on here, dang it. Stop it.

I do have to agree that the picture taking was unnecessary. I wonder if you had intent to reference later in the story but chose not to?

Well done, writer!
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi!

This is a good pitch of you.

Intro is all right. Your text rolls fine.

Sis/Bro, this sinks like the Titanic – for me. You completely trashed the whole nursing home staff and completely destroyed our hero's integrity with that closing impression. The fine lines are just not precise enough in the whole picture. And I'm truly surprised because the first half was in top shape. Top shape. It's confusing to see how you buried that story.

I guess you wanted to express something which isn't successfully translated yet. Confusing decisions. You got it though. Then that...

All best



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Gary Howell
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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So thanks to everyone for all your kind words and the great comments!  Just a quick note about this script -- this basically came from the void in my life following the death of my wife Sarah in February in a hospice facility.  Going there day after day was mentally and emotionally exhausting and I was just trying to capture something of that strain felt by people in that position.

There are some things in the script I wanted to address.  The first is that the I meant to have Henry listening to that song, "I'll be seeing you", at his home, while he's looking at pictures of Annie, before he goes to the nursing facility.  That gives him the idea later to sing to her.

The second is the picture someone takes of him singing. This probably should have been taken out.  I originally had a longer script where someone takes a video of him singing, and it ends up on the news and he becomes a viral sensation.  We've all seen those types of instances on the news and other social media.  But the script started to run long and it didn't feel like it would have been keeping with the tone of the story, so I cut all that out and probably just forgot to cut that part of the picture taker out as well.

One other change I'd probably make is to have the nurses, instead of wheeling Annie out of the room, they wheel her over to the window, so Henry can sing directly to her, and then they wheel her out.

The last thing was that I noticed some people were jarred by him getting a call, and then the next scene was Henry bringing home an urn with Annie's ashes.  I was trying to figure out a way to show a passage of time without adding a SUPER.  Maybe I can show that he's now in a short sleeve shirt, the weather's nice, etc., which might indicate a passage of time, but effectively there's supposed to be about two to three weeks that have passed since he's gotten that phone call.  I'll try to figure that out.

Anyway, thanks again -- and I appreciate Don coming up with this challenge.  It was cathartic (in more ways than one) to get this written, and to have it so warmly received.

Sarah (always my biggest cheerleader), this one was for you -- love you now and forever.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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ajr
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Gary, I had no idea. So sorry to hear of your loss.

This was well done and the win was well-deserved. A really touching tribute.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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I only know you casually from the OWCs and the general board. I read what you recently told about your life fully. I prayed for you all along the way. Cu



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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the opening Slug at all - so generic, tells us nothing.

Not thrilled with the "ROOM" in the 3rd Slug, either.  We later find out it's actually Room 110.

You seem to have a habit of sometimes using a subject, and others, not.  Sometimes, these subjectless lines can be attached to the prior sentence with a comma.

The end.  Well, Gary, I read the thread and saw your post about writing this.

As I read the last few lines, tears actually came to my eyes, and to say it was touching, is an understatement of immense proportions.

What makes this work, is the singing, the choice of song, and of course, the end.  Up until then, it doesn't do much, isn't written all that great, and is fairly straight forward, but the end...Oh man...it hits home very hard.

Well done..

****


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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