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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  I'll Be Seeing You - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I'll Be Seeing You by Gary Howell (Gary Howell) writing as Jimmy Durante - Short, Drama - A man vows to bring his wife home from a nursing home in the midst of a deadly pandemic. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Writer's Choice, May 2020 OWC


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 4th, 2020, 10:21pm
revised draft
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Nice sweet and sad story well told. I don't have anything to complain about other than it moved too quickly at the end. Maybe you ran out of pages? Annie was wheeled out of the room and next he has the urn. You need something in between there, IMO.

Great job.  


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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
. In the B.G., a TV announcer drones on about the latest COVID-19 news.


Not familiar with the B.G so I didn’t know what you were talking about.

The writing is really solid.

A poignant tale here. A string entry. Nice work.

If I had to make one change I would add multiple visits as his wife slowly fades away. I know you're limited in pages for this one - that is really just food for thought if you have a 2nd draft.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bayne
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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A heart breaking tale. Well written and grounded. Despite not knowing much about Henry, you present him with enough empathy and conviction that the details of his relationship with Annie are not needed.  

The one thing that I would change would be the nurses rolling Annie away while Henry is singing. It came off as a bit melodramatic in an otherwise grounded story. Could be more effective if he shows up the next morning and she's gone, then you could pick up with him banging on the front door and talking with Joanna from there.

That being said, this is still a very solid entry. Nice work.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah very sad, depressing, but I loved the story though. Everything’s working as far as I'm concerned.  Can’t help but think this is coming from personal experience. Would certainly keep reading If it were longer.  Nothing more I want to add. Great job.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Jeez, no happy endings or comedic great escapes here!

Just personal preference I suppose. I wanted him to get her outta there, and not just in an urn. So depressing.
The same story is perfect for some wheelchair-escape physical comedy imho.

Well written.
...

Too many people dying in nursing homes at the moment and no visitors allowed, so resonant and topical for sure.


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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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No comment on the writing, definitely competently written, and pulls at the heartstrings. I have a personal connection to his, living in the area where this piece is set, and having a relative in a facility at the moment.

Not much "unfolds" here, but it's sweet, poignant, and definitely hits home. Captures the suffering of not being able to see our loved ones. I think this thing has proved that video is not enough, and that we need human interaction to survive.

Love the title and the tie-in to Henry singing the song.

Well done.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was really sad, really tugged at the heart strings, especially with him singing to her from outside. Very heartbreaking.

My only complaint really is at the end, he gets that fateful phone call... then the next scene, he's bringing her home in an urn (very sad BTW). I'm not sure if this needed a scene in between or not... but I think just a longer, more drawn out transition. Maybe a FADE TO BLACK... then a FADE IN. Or something to show that a few days or so have passed (not necessarily a title card to indicate how much time has passed).

Really nice work, here.

PAGE 1:


Quoted Text
Henry pulls his beat up Cadillac into a parking spot. The
facility looks like it’s seen better days as well.

Henry proceeds to the entrance, and tries to open the front
door, but it’s locked. A sign in the middle of the door
reads: “FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR RESIDENTS, NO VISITORS ALLOWED.
NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Henry’s shoulders droop. He shuffles back to the car. He
contemplates driving away, but then gets out and opens the
trunk.


Just a nitpick -- I know there wasn't much time to revise/rewrite -- and this is probably just a personal preference in regards to the actual writing. But, to me, starting each new action block with "Henry" feels a little repetitive and robotic.

PAGE 4:


Quoted Text
Henry moves as quickly as his unsteady legs will take him to
the front entrance. When he gets there, he POUNDS
continuously on the glass door entrance.


Should probably start a new scene heading here.


-- Michael


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Rob
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. This is a very moving piece. It was devastating to see the woman moved off as her husband sang outside. All the notes rang true with me. Very effective. You can feel good about this one.
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PedroS
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Dear writer, thank you for sharing your story.
I really enjoyed this one. Although the end was at some point quite clear did you cover it in such a lovely way. Great work, my friend. Keep on.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Man, this one is sad. It for sure strung the chords in my heart.

It is written beautifully, specially the dialogs. Seriously, when Henry started singing for Annie, I melted right there.

I felt that dialog where Henry mentioned their kids and grandkids, was a bit long. But sighting the emotional weight the story has, it was nice.

I could nit-pick a few typos here and there but fuck it. The story is pure at it's core dealing with emotions.

For an old person, nothing is devastating then the lose of their life-long beloved ones.

Carry on, brother.

Looking forward to more of your work.

Good luck.



Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  May 18th, 2020, 9:43am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Good work.

Sentimental, but it plays nicely into the theme and situation the world is experiencing.

The coming back in an urn actually surprised me when that was a likely option - didn’t see it coming.

I think you can play around with the ending, there are various options to make the most out of it

Why was a photo taken - don’t recall it having any meaning

Well done


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Gary Howell
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hits the three "S's" hard.  Sweet, sad, sentimental.  Really plays into the issues that are arising at nursing homes during the pandemic and makes you hurt not only for Henry, but all the families that are having to deal with this type of situation all around the world.

Enjoyed this a great deal.  If there's anything I would maybe have added, it would be some connection at the beginning to the song he sings later.  So maybe he's shuts off the TV and turns on a stereo, and that song is playing, and it reminds him of Annie.  Or maybe he sings it to her picture before he leaves the house to go see her.

Overall though, good job here.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent story. Henry is an admirable character, and his devotion to his wife is endearing.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. Hits hard.

Two nits: I'd recommend dropping the taking of the photo. It plays no role that I can see. And, I was thrown out of the story just a bit by the nurses and doctor basically ignoring him singing outside the window. It's a cold reaction that feels out of place. I think they'd actually roll her closer to the window for a moment, before taking her from the room. Which might even make a powerful moment even more powerful.

Good job.


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The Moviegoer
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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This was nicely written with good vivid descriptions.

It was quite moving – sentimental but with an authentic feel that stops it becoming mushy or saccharin. It has a believable air about it. Henry comes across as a likeable sort.

The line at the end where he says ‘I told you I’d bring you home’ seemed a bit off-note. It seems glib and almost a bit comic and out of keeping with the rest of the story. Maybe you could change this line or have him say it but then have him burst out crying in the car alone or something. Or he sings the song and chokes on the lines as he wells up.

Also, why did the woman take a picture of him? I thought this would be a plot point but it was ignored. Would agree that the nurses just rolling her out of the room came across as a bit unnecessarily cold.

Overall an enjoyable slice-of-life story.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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I'm not crying, you're crying!!

I do actually have tears in my eyes. That was wonderful and so sad.

Well done writer, well done.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dan_P
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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The writing itself is very solid and it didn't drag or throw me off at any point.

I must say I didn't feel too much at the end, probably because I could sort of see where it was going. But that might be only because that type of story is just very real right now. I liked the fitting, sober tone of the writing, and the drama felt tangible (just the part where the nurses wordlessly wheel her out of the room seemed a bit movie-ish). So, while there were no surprises, I still found it compelling due to the writing and tone, and overall think this is well done!
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. I don't like feeling this way when I read work on here, dang it. Stop it.

I do have to agree that the picture taking was unnecessary. I wonder if you had intent to reference later in the story but chose not to?

Well done, writer!
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi!

This is a good pitch of you.

Intro is all right. Your text rolls fine.

Sis/Bro, this sinks like the Titanic – for me. You completely trashed the whole nursing home staff and completely destroyed our hero's integrity with that closing impression. The fine lines are just not precise enough in the whole picture. And I'm truly surprised because the first half was in top shape. Top shape. It's confusing to see how you buried that story.

I guess you wanted to express something which isn't successfully translated yet. Confusing decisions. You got it though. Then that...

All best



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Gary Howell
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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So thanks to everyone for all your kind words and the great comments!  Just a quick note about this script -- this basically came from the void in my life following the death of my wife Sarah in February in a hospice facility.  Going there day after day was mentally and emotionally exhausting and I was just trying to capture something of that strain felt by people in that position.

There are some things in the script I wanted to address.  The first is that the I meant to have Henry listening to that song, "I'll be seeing you", at his home, while he's looking at pictures of Annie, before he goes to the nursing facility.  That gives him the idea later to sing to her.

The second is the picture someone takes of him singing. This probably should have been taken out.  I originally had a longer script where someone takes a video of him singing, and it ends up on the news and he becomes a viral sensation.  We've all seen those types of instances on the news and other social media.  But the script started to run long and it didn't feel like it would have been keeping with the tone of the story, so I cut all that out and probably just forgot to cut that part of the picture taker out as well.

One other change I'd probably make is to have the nurses, instead of wheeling Annie out of the room, they wheel her over to the window, so Henry can sing directly to her, and then they wheel her out.

The last thing was that I noticed some people were jarred by him getting a call, and then the next scene was Henry bringing home an urn with Annie's ashes.  I was trying to figure out a way to show a passage of time without adding a SUPER.  Maybe I can show that he's now in a short sleeve shirt, the weather's nice, etc., which might indicate a passage of time, but effectively there's supposed to be about two to three weeks that have passed since he's gotten that phone call.  I'll try to figure that out.

Anyway, thanks again -- and I appreciate Don coming up with this challenge.  It was cathartic (in more ways than one) to get this written, and to have it so warmly received.

Sarah (always my biggest cheerleader), this one was for you -- love you now and forever.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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ajr
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Gary, I had no idea. So sorry to hear of your loss.

This was well done and the win was well-deserved. A really touching tribute.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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I only know you casually from the OWCs and the general board. I read what you recently told about your life fully. I prayed for you all along the way. Cu



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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the opening Slug at all - so generic, tells us nothing.

Not thrilled with the "ROOM" in the 3rd Slug, either.  We later find out it's actually Room 110.

You seem to have a habit of sometimes using a subject, and others, not.  Sometimes, these subjectless lines can be attached to the prior sentence with a comma.

The end.  Well, Gary, I read the thread and saw your post about writing this.

As I read the last few lines, tears actually came to my eyes, and to say it was touching, is an understatement of immense proportions.

What makes this work, is the singing, the choice of song, and of course, the end.  Up until then, it doesn't do much, isn't written all that great, and is fairly straight forward, but the end...Oh man...it hits home very hard.

Well done..

****


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