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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Potato Radio - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Potato Radio - May OWC  (currently 321 views)
Spqr
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed the story, but should David be wasting all of those potatoes? No doubt a  number of new friendships will be forged during the pandemic, but none will be funnier than the one formed between David and Russell. These guys are really good characters. The only thing I might work on is the ending. To me it seems a little low-key.

David has been regressing to his childhood, having fun with his potato creations, so why stop now? Since he has so many spare potatoes maybe he should build a catapult and launch them into Russell's yard in retaliation for the beer cans. And, getting into the spirit of things, Russell starts throwing any piece of junk he can get his hands on. They laugh hilariously as they mess each other's backyard.
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Dan_P
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit mixed on this one. First of all: It's very creative and unique and I had absolutely no idea where it was going.

At first I didn't know what to think, and then I was so intrigued that I was anticipating something great at the end, before the final pages kinda let me down. Don't get me wrong: I really like that it's about the two characters meeting and connecting. But the setup was so creative and felt so purposeful, that it made me expect more than what you ended up delivering.

While the quirkiness was entertaining, I didn't find it THAT funny tbh. Having said that, I feel like this would be funnier already, if simply seen acted out on screen.

Overall, very creative, well written, and I still enjoyed most of it!
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. I think it might be my last, too! My only wish is that Potato radio toyed with the neighbor for just a line or two.

Very clever story. Usually the lone person talking to themselves is bothersome but this worked really well. No exposition and his remarks were realistic.

Nicely done, writer. Thanks for sharing.
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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I vote for Nick Offerman to play the role of David. I loved his initial dialogue while watching TV--Nope. Seen it, etc. Great work. I initially thought Russell had the virus, but I realize now he just thought that was the case.
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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SO, straight to the ending...

Don't care too much about this Charlie character, and he doesn't make the beer can flying over the fence thing any better. I think the answer to why the beer cans are thrown in David's yard needs to be found elsewhere without new characters being added.

That being said, this is a wonderfully wrapped little gift of a script. The way everything ties together, it feels neat and properly put together.

Don't care for the cliche' dialogue when he is skimming channels because it is VERY CLICHE'. The whole idea of skimming through the channels is so cliche' that it draws a lot of attention to itself to begin with.

Still enjoyed it all very much, good work!
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of great notes as always. I'm already doing a rewrite of the last page and a half. Yes, I rushed the end. Pretty much everybody busted me on that.

I had several instances of David messing with Russell in the script, but I needed a page to finish, so I had to cut 'em. I really wanted to end on the two neighbors coming together... but still on opposite sides of the fence. (I wanted a script that could be filmed with social distancing.)

Anyway, some great ideas. I'm looking at the catapult idea. I'll post a new script sometime next week, if anybody cares to see how it should have ended in the first place.

Thanks everybody!


PaulKWrites.com

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