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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Potato Radio - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Potato Radio - May OWC  (currently 312 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Potato Radio by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Mr. Potato Head - Short, Comedy, Light Comedy - Isolated and bored, a man fashions a homemade transmitter that leads to an unexpected connection. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 3rd, 2020, 9:57am
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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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So, Covid made you turn to potatoes.
Mine is socks. I know you know what I'm talking about (wink).

That's a very nice potato story. I thought there's a bit of commotion there in the middle that made me read a few passages twice but that's fine.
I found it very entertaining nonetheless.
I can see you making it. You could potatorize the ending though but your call. It's just Charlie is new to this talk and it seems strange the short ended on the talk about him. Maybe David should make sure Charlie is not a giant potato or something first.
But funny. Nice job.
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ajr
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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This was very cute!

And original. Someone thinking of science while they are bored. Refreshing.

For me, this was wonderful in the first 4 pages, and then I think there were chances to mine gold that might have been passed up.

I think once David knows that someone can hear him, and that it's his neighbor, the gloves are off, and he can toy with him at will. And Russell would totally deserve it since he's a beer-can-throwing cretin.  And I think the end where they discuss how and why it happened kind of peters off... I think there's solid ground upon which to build a more attention-grabbing ending.

And the braces thing was reminiscent of REAL GENIUS, where they bug the antag's mouth and make it a radio transmitter and then pretend Jesus is talking to him. I would have liked to have seen something akin to that.

Anyway, nice job on writing something original, clever and entertaining.

AJR


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Gary Howell
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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What a oddball concept Ė but I liked it.  Basically just two guys connecting during the quarantine under the most unlikely of circumstances.  The radio transmitter to the teeth bit seemed straight out of a Gilliganís Island episode.  

The writing is solid and definitely nothing to complain from that standpoint.  I think if there is anything that I feel needs re-working is the ending, which seemed like it fizzled once they connected.  Iím not sure what else you could do with it, but with something as off the wall as you were going with this, it felt too straightforward of an ending.  But other than that I was completely on board with this.
Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, you can just picture the scenes. I thought the dialogue was nice and punchy. Um, the ending was just ho-hum for me. Nice job.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Least virusy script I've read so far.

The boredom leading to crazy invention is a good one - but I really did laugh at any moment. Comedy is very s subjective so perhaps it's just me.

The ending did not quite land either.

Good effort on entering. Certainly a clever premise.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this isn't really my preferred genre, but I really, really liked this one. Very creative, very original. I liked both characters and, of course, could relate to their boredom and mundane activities they each participate in to kill time. There's been times during this lockdown where I've been so lonely, I went down to the corner store and just chatted it up w/ the owner for a half hour or so. I'm sure we could all use good company during these times. It was cool to see these two neighbors finally connect under strange circumstances... and in a very unique way that I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. Very nice!

-- Michael


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Creative use of potatoes, very creative.

It's just a bit all over the place and doesn't quite land anywhere until he connects with Russell via his fillings at the end. I think there is a lot of potential in this, you just need to decide which angle of the story to go with and stick to it rather than going off in all sorts of different directions.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thatís the one I have enjoyed the most so far - well done.

Possibly last page or so it slackened off, but I enjoyed that.

Covid related - not the strongest candidate, but actually this was about lockdown, connection with a neighbour, doing new things, so - ok - I change my mind on that.

Yeah, the best for me so far.

Well done


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Bayne
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Fun! I struggled to keep up at certain points; it's very much all over the place. But I appreciate the wackiness of it all. A nice change of pace that held my interest and made me smile.
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Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but this didn't work for me. I was struggling throughout the script to figure out what excatly is going on. But, perhaps it's just me.

Nicely written though. Creative.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. Well written, well told. Would be easy to film too. My only complaint would be that there wasn't a whole lot about a pandemic. Other than the mention of COVID on the phone which felt sort of inserted just to fit the parameters. If it was a little more pandemic related, which would be an easy fix, I would call this one my favorite so far. Great job!


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spesh2k
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I liked this one. Well written, well told. Would be easy to film too. My only complaint would be that there wasn't a whole lot about a pandemic. Other than the mention of COVID on the phone which felt sort of inserted just to fit the parameters. If it was a little more pandemic related, which would be an easy fix, I would call this one my favorite so far. Great job!


This one was SOOOO not my genre, but the earnest yet quirky tone and the earnestness of the characters makes the script so damn likable. Agreed, also one of my faves... which is saying a lot considering the complete absence of bloodshed

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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Arundel
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Funny. A few criticisms. Why open with an establishing shot of the neighborhood instead of just going straight into David's house?

Where did he get all the potatoes. It would be funny if he went to the store and instead of stocking up on "essential" items, he's buying sacks (or just a sack) of potatoes. But that adds more characters/locations.

Russel's phone call was funny. Always though he was hearing it transmitted through his TV though.

Also didn't get the introduction of this Charlie character at the end.

A lot of it was still funny though.
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steven8
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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My favorite so far.  It's the first comedy script I've read on the site that actually made me laugh out loud.  First thing I thought was Russell's fillings were picking up the radio waves like Laurie Partridge in the Partridge Family.  I have no real issues with this at all.  It read very smoothly and I could see the whole thing being easily filmed.  Tops.

@Arundel - We've got that many potatoes...

Revision History (1 edits)
steven8  -  May 19th, 2020, 4:05am
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Spqr
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed the story, but should David be wasting all of those potatoes? No doubt a  number of new friendships will be forged during the pandemic, but none will be funnier than the one formed between David and Russell. These guys are really good characters. The only thing I might work on is the ending. To me it seems a little low-key.

David has been regressing to his childhood, having fun with his potato creations, so why stop now? Since he has so many spare potatoes maybe he should build a catapult and launch them into Russell's yard in retaliation for the beer cans. And, getting into the spirit of things, Russell starts throwing any piece of junk he can get his hands on. They laugh hilariously as they mess each other's backyard.
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Dan_P
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit mixed on this one. First of all: It's very creative and unique and I had absolutely no idea where it was going.

At first I didn't know what to think, and then I was so intrigued that I was anticipating something great at the end, before the final pages kinda let me down. Don't get me wrong: I really like that it's about the two characters meeting and connecting. But the setup was so creative and felt so purposeful, that it made me expect more than what you ended up delivering.

While the quirkiness was entertaining, I didn't find it THAT funny tbh. Having said that, I feel like this would be funnier already, if simply seen acted out on screen.

Overall, very creative, well written, and I still enjoyed most of it!
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. I think it might be my last, too! My only wish is that Potato radio toyed with the neighbor for just a line or two.

Very clever story. Usually the lone person talking to themselves is bothersome but this worked really well. No exposition and his remarks were realistic.

Nicely done, writer. Thanks for sharing.
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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I vote for Nick Offerman to play the role of David. I loved his initial dialogue while watching TV--Nope. Seen it, etc. Great work. I initially thought Russell had the virus, but I realize now he just thought that was the case.
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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SO, straight to the ending...

Don't care too much about this Charlie character, and he doesn't make the beer can flying over the fence thing any better. I think the answer to why the beer cans are thrown in David's yard needs to be found elsewhere without new characters being added.

That being said, this is a wonderfully wrapped little gift of a script. The way everything ties together, it feels neat and properly put together.

Don't care for the cliche' dialogue when he is skimming channels because it is VERY CLICHE'. The whole idea of skimming through the channels is so cliche' that it draws a lot of attention to itself to begin with.

Still enjoyed it all very much, good work!
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of great notes as always. I'm already doing a rewrite of the last page and a half. Yes, I rushed the end. Pretty much everybody busted me on that.

I had several instances of David messing with Russell in the script, but I needed a page to finish, so I had to cut 'em. I really wanted to end on the two neighbors coming together... but still on opposite sides of the fence. (I wanted a script that could be filmed with social distancing.)

Anyway, some great ideas. I'm looking at the catapult idea. I'll post a new script sometime next week, if anybody cares to see how it should have ended in the first place.

Thanks everybody!


PaulKWrites.com

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