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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Infectious Personality - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Infectious Personality - May OWC  (currently 249 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 8:55am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse

The Swamp...
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Channeling Knives Out? I liked it even if a bit predictable. The logline tells us there will be a crime. As soon as we know there's an old rich man and two younger kids, we pretty much know right away what the crime will be. The double cross was also an obvious. I knew it would be Beth, but didn't see Lawrence's part coming.

I had some issues with some of the logic and logistics. First off, I don't think this would be easy or cheap to film unless you of course have access to a mansion on the coast. Second. Jeb was locked in there for five days. I think an autopsy would show that he either starved to death or of dehydration.

See how he's going in the morning. I bet it was written by someone from down under.

Not a lot of men sips beer. Wine yes, but beer? Beer is for drinking, not sipping.  

Not a lot of characters to like here, but it was written well and well told, even if predictable.  

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Posted: May 21st, 2020, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Tucson, AZ
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Another well crafted entry. Clean and concise with no wasting of words. Very similar style to the Five Stages I just read. Same writer?

Nice work, writer.
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Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 8:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Not sure if a change makes sense, but, the title completely rocks when worded as on the main May OWC board. Caught my eye like 'what' when I originally read all pitches before. And there wasn't such impression back then …  just an observation I think is to note here for the statistics :-).

Set-up's complicated to follow – a high risk context machine. Has a taste of Cardinal though. Very ambitious. Let me see.

"Sunshine filters through the drapes gently cascading down on the corpse of Jeb Owens. His slackened jaw frozen in an open position - his last breath."

Precise it is, huh?

The envelope thing and the whole context behind, including my understanding about the positions of cook and driver/security person, wasn't that clear I must say. That was quite abstract. You can improve that. But I wanted to keep it short this time, so I won't go into that further.

Few clear stakes and lack of motivations/character background is a problem. It wants to live from technique and style but that's not enough this time- for me.

All best.

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