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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  This Is How They'll Find Me - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    This Is How They'll Find Me - May OWC  (currently 273 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Oh how I loathe the opening Slug.  How many times have I seen this exact same Slug?  WAY TOO MANY!!

The passage that follows does not help your cause, here.

WOW...the next passage that describes Arthur is just plain old poorly written.  "get" should be "gets", but it's just poorly structured and phrased.

"A truck approaches..." - Obviously, this is not within the Slug, so you'd need a POV here, or something like, "Through the window...".

The end.  Sorry, but so little here, so close to home for so many, just doesn't resonate.  There is 1 funny line about Alexa agreeing with Siri, but that's about it.  Just not much here.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Spqr
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Arthur is bored beyond belief and all he does is watch whatever is available on the media. The problem is a lot of people were like this before the lockdown, and Arthur may have been one of them. What I'd like to see is a clue as to what he was like before the lockdown.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was kind of like a Seinfeld episode: Current; some chuckles; and ultimately a show about nothing. Maybe just picture George or Kramer on the couch.

Short and sweet - Good job, writer.
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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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The byline is beautiful - itsonlytwosmalljokes. That alone was worth clicking on this one. The bell/truck must be something regional.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the reads, everybody. Byline says it all for me. I had two scenes that didn't fit well in Potato Radio, so I used them to create this little 2-pager.

So glad at least a couple of you got the ice cream truck joke. I never considered that it might be a regional thing. Makes sense in hindsight.

Don't know why, but the visual of a bunch of adults chasing after a toilet paper truck like kids after ice cream just struck me as hilarious.

I left the specific visual out of the script for ease of filming. But, I still wanted the audience to experience it. Glad that it worked for a couple people anyway.

Thanks for all the notes!!!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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