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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  This Is How They'll Find Me - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    This Is How They'll Find Me - May OWC  (currently 274 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Is How They'll Find Me by It'sreallyonlytwosmalljokes - Short, Comedy - A lone bright spot amidst another boring day. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi
This is how it is, absolutely.
You documented it.
And it fits on two pages. My life.
I don't even wish for more here.
But on the other hand I don' t know if I should recommend this for a read. It's just too close to reality and it is what it is - it's about absolutely nothing.
Which is dramatic and not a comedy for me.
Good job I think.
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MarkD
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. I think it may be just a bit too poignant to be labeled a comedy though.
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Gary Howell
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty funny setup and spot on in the send up on daily life during the quarantine.  And itís 2 pages!

I especially liked the substitution of an emergency supplies truck (toilet paper, cleaning supplies) in place of the ice cream truck.  I can just picture grown adults running down the street waving cash, battling each other to be in line, cursing each other out.  Iím actually glad you didnít show any of that because itís probably funnier to imagine than to see on paper.

You could literally film this in the span of about 15 minutes once you had everything set up.  Good job on this.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
ARTHUR, 30s, showered last Friday get off his back, sits slumped on a puffy sofa, TV remote in hand.

Something wrong with this sentence structure Ė think maybe (get off his back) would read clearer.

Didn't get this one - I mean - yeah, I know he's running out of entertainment - didn't quite sync up the sound outside with coming back in with TP. etc. I was lost.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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I actually really liked this one, probably more than most people. Yes, it's pretty spot on with the mundane daily routine... I'm sure we've all pretty much every movie and TV show that ever existed at this point (that's available on streaming). But here's what I liked about it... something that the writer REALLY nailed, at least in regards to how I, personally, can relate to this (I'm sure others can, too). Especially when you're out of work (not sure if the character here is, but I am), it's the little things that can really make your day. Just going to the grocery store and finding an awesome deal on Ellio's pizza kinda reinvigorates my day. So, that joyous feeling he gets after stocking up on basics is something I really enjoyed... and something the character enjoyed... even though the cycle starts all over again.

Sure, nothing happens really... but I think that's the whole point.

Overall, very well written, outside of what Dave pointed out with that one line of description -- ARTHUR, 30s, showered last Friday get off his back, sits slumped on a puffy sofa, TV remote in hand. Not sure what the writer meant, there. Maybe he just took a shower and washed off the stench of last Friday? I dunno. Anyway, nice work.

-- Michael


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Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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I wish you'd detailed that the truck was a Mr Whippy van.  We've had one cruising around every weekend since the virus started. The music is always Greensleeves in our neck of the woods - not sure what it is elsewhere.

Instead he bought supplies?

A BELL claps twice...?
Okay, I'm probably out of the loop cause you lost me there.

I liked the mundanity of his existence and him getting go the end of the Internet - absurd, cause you couldn't possibly do that, but of course that's the joke.

I would have liked just a little bit more with this one. You were definitely on the right track.



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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Running out of internet was funny.

The whole truck delivery thing didn't quite hit the spot with me and I'm not sure how easy it would be to get a colourful truck to drive down a street to film this unless you found some stock footage you could use.

However, you managed to represent a huge percentage of the population's existence right now in 2 pages which is quite an achievement!.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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What we do to get rid of boredom

At first I thought he was going to buy an ice cream - didnít know you could by loo roll from a van.

The banter between Siri and alexia has something about it - May be something to develop


My scripts †HERE

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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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I get that this was supposed to be minimalist... I guess I wanted more.

The devices taunting him was amusing.

I understand the line that everyone is struggling with - showered last Friday "get off his back" - the latter portion is an aside from the omniscient narrator defending the man. I thought it was funny.

AJR


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. I liked how Alexa agreed with Siri. I liked that the ice-cream truck was bringing necessities. Other than that, not much else to it. I'm not a big comedy person. For those who can relate to this, wow...    


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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Right away, the first line of description was confusing.

I dunno-- comedy for me has to be embarrassing-- almost shocking and absurd to be funny. I like what you wrote, but to me it wasn't belly laugh stuff.  Nicely written though.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good. The conversation with Siri, Alexa and OK Google were funny. Very close to reality yet very different from other scripts.

I enjoyed it a lot. Good job, writer.
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steven8
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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I really, really liked this one.  Plain simple and so just plain...plain.  Excellent.  I just wish it was that freakin' easy to get hand sanitizer!
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi!

The general substance is there. Reads to me as if you just would have to find one, two or three further specific moments to make the characteristics of the topic Pop from the screen/page in pure harmony with the concept. With some teamwork or a polish you may find the eventual lol moments that show the concept in best shape.

All best



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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Oh how I loathe the opening Slug.  How many times have I seen this exact same Slug?  WAY TOO MANY!!

The passage that follows does not help your cause, here.

WOW...the next passage that describes Arthur is just plain old poorly written.  "get" should be "gets", but it's just poorly structured and phrased.

"A truck approaches..." - Obviously, this is not within the Slug, so you'd need a POV here, or something like, "Through the window...".

The end.  Sorry, but so little here, so close to home for so many, just doesn't resonate.  There is 1 funny line about Alexa agreeing with Siri, but that's about it.  Just not much here.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Spqr
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Arthur is bored beyond belief and all he does is watch whatever is available on the media. The problem is a lot of people were like this before the lockdown, and Arthur may have been one of them. What I'd like to see is a clue as to what he was like before the lockdown.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was kind of like a Seinfeld episode: Current; some chuckles; and ultimately a show about nothing. Maybe just picture George or Kramer on the couch.

Short and sweet - Good job, writer.
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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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The byline is beautiful - itsonlytwosmalljokes. That alone was worth clicking on this one. The bell/truck must be something regional.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the reads, everybody. Byline says it all for me. I had two scenes that didn't fit well in Potato Radio, so I used them to create this little 2-pager.

So glad at least a couple of you got the ice cream truck joke. I never considered that it might be a regional thing. Makes sense in hindsight.

Don't know why, but the visual of a bunch of adults chasing after a toilet paper truck like kids after ice cream just struck me as hilarious.

I left the specific visual out of the script for ease of filming. But, I still wanted the audience to experience it. Glad that it worked for a couple people anyway.

Thanks for all the notes!!!


PaulKWrites.com

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