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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Our Own Good - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Our Own Good - May OWC  (currently 271 views)
Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Though not specifically stated, I assume this story takes place in the US. The problem is there's no way vaccination would ever be made mandatory, unless the death rate was close to a hundred percent. That objection aside...

If Angie's intention is to start a riot (and the mysterious "manicured hand" clicking off the monitor at the end implies that she's working with someone else), then her reaction on page 4, when "Angie sees the guard go down and her expression goes from manic to panic," is off. Isn't this what she was working for, or have I misread her intentions?

That minor quibble aside, this scene is a good primer on how to start a riot.
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Dan_P
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Really like the title!

This was so easy to picture. The noise, the mood, the setting - very visual and atmospheric!

The ending left me unsatisfied, though: the guy switching off the monitor just feels a bit random to me. As if there was something more to happen, that you didn't show us. Had it just ended with the drone being destroyed and thus the drone's feed going black, there would still be an open-endedness, but it would have been a clearer finale, I think. The "mystery man" kinda felt like a new element, which then didn't pay off. Unless the man in black's manicured hand was somehow supposed to indicate, that Angie was right all along??

"Angie is only two places back before she enters a tent."
- Maybe just poor English on my part, but it took me quite a while to understand that sentence...

Again, the visual writing made this a very quick read, and I liked it overall.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this potential vision but, then again, I found it disturbing. A little over the top but so was Nazi Germany. Nice reference with the ghettos.

It would've been nice to use one more page to show Angie getting forcibly pushed off the bus or some other introduction that escalated her outburst. Nice tie in with the logline too.

I get the men in black. Government puppeteers? The faceless running the show.

Nice work, writer. Thanks for entering.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Before we get all wrapped in the next OWC, I need to close this one out:
- I totally overlooked the budgetary requirement set in this OWC parameters. Dang it. Would it have made a difference in my scoring? Only the Shadow knows...
- Was this taken from real life? Everyone...meet my wife Angie

Bring on the next OWC! Retribution time!!
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JEStaats
Before we get all wrapped in the next OWC, I need to close this one out:
- I totally overlooked the budgetary requirement set in this OWC parameters. Dang it. Would it have made a difference in my scoring? Only the Shadow knows...
- Was this taken from real life? Everyone...meet my wife Angie
Bring on the next OWC! Retribution time!!

Haha, very funny, John.
You can see from my feedback I really liked this.
And, apparently I had it wrong with you ditching your protag at the end?


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