The Sparkly Red Blouse by B Simmons - A young girl plays with her new dolls.  Short, Horror

I like the twist. Creepy kids are the best. Didn't understand the significance of the red blouse though.

Nice entry, writer!!

Not really sure what transpired here; some kind of voodoo doll scenario, if that deciphers it a bit. But why would Peyton have them (voodoo dolls), are Mommy and Daddy assholes? Then Daddy got a right good talking to by the wood-chipper… “be nicer”; says Mr. Wood-chipper.

Gory type twist going on that would definitely be shocking, but less back story tells me nothing really. The shirt came with the doll, but where is the doll from? 2 pages are a bitch to work with, leaves so many things unanswered. Best of luck.

I liked this one quite a bit. I wasn't quite sure where it was going, but whenever I hear a character (especially in a short) say the word "woodchipper", I assume someone's going to go through it at some point during the story. After the red dress appears on Peyton's bed, I knew where it was going, I just didn't know how -- which you answered with the garbage disposal part at the ending.

Very demented. I liked it a lot!

-- Michael

Really enjoyed it. I'm fine with not knowing why it's happening exactly. If you're gonna make this longer after the challenge, I would have a few more events in the sequence. But that was a disturbed ending, in a great way.

Not too sure what her parents did to deserve the torture or at least her Father, but then again you only have 2 pages to jam it in

I enjoy this very entertaining. The girl is some kind of freak of nature seen in many Horror movies... Kids are scary but yet we still have them hmmmm

Great entry

Hi writer,

Quoted Text NATALIE Not now sweetie.

Not now, sweetie

Quoted Text We hear MATT (early 40s) coming down the stairs

Always better to write more visually than using "we hear", eg: Stairs creak, the banging of footsteps, just for example.

Quoted Text PEYTON Mommy look!

Mommy, look

I enjoyed elements of this but didn't really get how they tie together especially regarding the blouse.

So a bit of a hit and miss for me. The writing, other than the couple of notes, is pretty good.

All the best.

I liked this one

I would make the kid a bit creepier though, or know what she is doing - a kid putting a new doll (which she obviously likes) through garbage disposal seemed strange, did she know what it would do?
You could ramp up the tension here I think, the mom figures out what the doll does, the kid holds the dad doll over the disposal, mom steps closer, kid drops it closer to the disposal... a standoff... could just leave it there on a cliffhanger and the kid starts making demands.

Great idea, the execution could be improved.

I get the voodoo doll element, but the mother holds the same red blouse the doll is wearing, so why did the dad get killed? It would have made sense if he was wearing a red shirt.

I’m gonna clean up
the brush in the back with the
wood chipper!

This will not end well.  Clear forshadowing.  

Again, horrifying and funny at the same time.   With more room, I can see where this is going with Peyton holding the female doll over the sink.

- Don

For two pages - good work.

Clear where this one is going so the twist is a bit too foreshadowed.

Nice job.

Interesting story. Feel like this one needs another page or two to help properly set up the end. Writing is alright, but it can use a good rewrite.

A very solid entry.

I wish I could know more about these characters before the daughter knowingly (?) kills her dad with a voodoo doll that I don't know how she got. Probably needed more time to tell it, at just two pages it feels like a we just simply see a little girl kill her dad and also a blouse that is the title of the short that is significant in some way (?)

This has some good bones (no pun intended) but needs some work. I didn't quite get the red shirt but loved the garbage disposal/wood chipper carnage. Knew it was going that way but liked it none the less. Good work, writer.

So, kind of difficult to casually drop in a wood-chipper without telegraphing where this story is going to go.

But getting there was fun enough.  Imaginative.  Solid entry.

The dolls are the equivalent of voodoo dolls, but instead of sticking pins in the effigies, Peyton shoves one into the disposal. Works for me. But the big blouse raised a question in my mind: If the blouse the source of evil that caused Peyton to do what she did, does this mean Natalie will turn into a bad guy if she puts hers on? Writers gonna make you think.

Creepy kids and/or creepy dolls. A great combination but no real motive for murder. Nicely written and a decent twist.
Well done.

Aren't woodchippers fun!

But I didn't get anything from the setup that would explain how she could do what she did, or why.

Definitely something here, but I think those two things need some thought.

Wood chipper... never good.

Are we seeing Matt leave by the front door or just supposed to be hearing him leave?  We’ve only heard him up till that point so it could do with a bit more clarity.

So the dolls are like voodoo dolls somehow?  Or is it just the presence of the dress?  What was the significance of the second sparkly dress?

I like what you’re going for but this needs a little more world building to connect the dolls and girl’s actions to the father’s death.  Tough to do in the short space and it's a shame as I like the intent.  As it stands I’m not sure how it all ties together.

Whoa. That was insanely different.  Love the twist at the end. I was really worried that Peyton was going to wind up in the chipper, so glad you at least didn’t go there.  Some good writing on display here.

Writer,

Get what you're going for with this one, but it needs tome explanation as to how the child is able to do this. Sort of lost without that tidbit of info, I think. Well written and all, just misses on the logic front.

Steve

There's a bit of voodoo here! Nice to see the old classics come back.

I would have liked it more if the male doll were dressed like Nathan, or even had something to tie it to the character. But then again, this seems like a reverse of voodoo, like she conjured the red blouse for her doll and one appeared for her mom since the mother doesn't seem to recognize it. But that's where there should be something that ties Nathan to the male doll since the parents and dolls are definitely linked.

Good job subverting expectations with the wood chipper. I knew it was coming but the cause came out of the blue. Nicely done.

I know you only had 2 pages... but, I'm hoping you expand this to include at least some hint as to the why.

Good stuff.

I knew there was going to be trouble as soon as the wood chipper was announced. I like the gruesome end. The origin of these toys would be interesting to learn.

Hey everyone, thanks for reading my work.

Definitely agree, 2 pages is hard to work with to really ramp up the stakes and do a bit of a back and forth with stretching out the rising tension before the payoff. I think I had it in my head that if I attributed the blouse to the Mom, this would read as too obvious with the voodoo dolls, so I decided to not make an exact tie-in on which person was going to die, was it going to be Mom or Dad?

Peyton is oblivious to the fact that this is happening. I hadn't come up with a clear reason as to how these dolls come into her possession and both parents are also unaware (until Mom figures it out too late). Personally, I don't think it really takes away from the story as a 2-pager on how the dolls come into her possession and why this is happening, but I can see how this may make a few readers wanting more!  

This idea was inspired by Treehouse of Horror's Evil Krusty Doll which is a parody of Twilight Zone's, the classic, Talky Tina. Clearly my head is still at the October OWC!

Thanks again everyone.